Customer: *referring to the recital hall* “Excuse me, can you direct me to your Rectal Hall?”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “The Rectal Hall. I need to get into your Rectal Hall. Where is your Rectal Hall?”

Me: “I sincerely doubt you want the answer to that question.”

Me: “Hi, Paul speaking. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Who?”

Me: “Paul.”

Customer: “John?”

Me: “No, Paul.”

Customer: “John?”

Me: “No, Paul. P-A-U-L.”

Customer: “That’s not how you spell John!”

Customer: “Hi, do your Renaissance cake toppers have Swastika crystals?”

Me: “I’m sorry, do you mean Swarovski crystals?”

Customer: “Yeah, those.”

(There is a customer in the refrigerated dairy section, looking lost.)

Me: “Can I help you find something?”

Customer: *grabs my arm* “Oh, yes! I’m looking for cheese.”

Me: “Well, it would be in this aisle. What kind of cheese?”

Customer: “You know, it’s white, and has little green flecks of Filipino.”

Me: “Uhm, I don’t think we have that. Do you mean jalapeño?”

Customer: “Yes, that’s it!”

(A customer who doesn’t seem to speak much English walks up to me.)

Customer: “Where is chili?”

Me: “Are you looking for chili mix or pre-made chili?”

Customer: “Is chili in can?”

(I tell him where to find the canned chili. A few minutes later, he comes up to me again.)

Customer: “Sorry, I no find it. Help please?”

Me: “Do you know what brand it was?”

Customer: “It has picture of dog.”

Me: “A dog logo? I can’t think of a brand that makes chili and has a dog logo.”

Customer: “Is called… ah… What is it… um… [dog food brand]! Yes, that’s it! [Dog food brand] is name! The one with the dog!”

Me: “Sir… [dog food brand] is a brand of dog food.”

Customer: “Yes! Yes! Is chili with dog picture! Where is it? My family love it!”