(I am working an average rush hour at a large grocery store when I approach the end of an elderly woman’s order.)
Me: “Okay, this will be $46.48.”
Customer: *starts hitting card reader with signature pen* “Your machine isn’t working!”
Me: “Ma’am, you need to swipe your card before you can sign.”
Customer: *continues to hit card reader with pen* “Your g**d*** machine isn’t working!”
Me: “Ma’am, please stop hitting the machine. You need to swipe you card.”
Customer: *throws pen at me* “Your machine’s broken!”
Me: “It isn’t broken. You just haven’t swiped your card yet.”
Customer: “Your machine’s broken! See?!”
(When she flips the card reader around, it is indeed broken—by her, of course.)
Brains Over Brawn, Part 2
(I am bringing shopping carts back into my workplace when I see a grown man, in a business suit, running with his cart to pick up speed and then riding on the back of it. As I keep walking towards the building, I walk past a woman.)
Woman: *disgusted* “I don’t know him.”
Me: “It’s okay. Boys will be boys!”
For Some, Childhood Never Ends, Part 2
For Some, Childhood Never Ends
(Oftentimes, customers want free advice on the phone on what to do in order to save on getting an estimate or a inspection.)
Caller: “I need advice on something. Let’s say I have a big wall dividing the kitchen and the dinning room, but I want to open it up so I have a big room. Can I do that?”
Me: “Well, probably, but there might be complications. For example, if you have a load bearing wall, we’d need to set it up so that the load is distributed differently. Not to mention, there are pipes and wires you need to worry about. Really, we’d need to send someone out to look it over, sir. It’s not really something we can tell you over the phone without seeing it first.”
Caller: “No, no. I got what I needed.”
Me: “Uh, okay.”
(He then hangs up. One week later, he calls back.)
Caller: “I’m going to sue you. I’m going to sue the living heck out of your business. You ruined my life.”
Me: “What? What’s going on? Who is this?”
Caller: “I called for advice. You said I could remove my wall in between my kitchen and dinning room. Well, I did. I cut it out with my chainsaw and everything was fine until my ceiling caved in. And you know what’s above my kitchen? The upstairs bath room. The bathtub fell through and I had to turn off the water because it damaged my pipes. Now, who’s gonna pay for that?”
(I’m working during a night shift. A girl enters the lobby in her pajamas.)
Student: “Um, hi. I’ve locked myself out of my room.”
Me: “Okay, no problem. As you know, the access fee is £5.”
Student: “Yes, I know, but I don’t have any money with me. Everything is in my room.”
Me: “Well, I can’t let you back in until we get £5 from you, but I can take it from your deposit if you like.”
Student: “No, no! You can’t do that. My mum will kill me!”
Me: “It’s either that, or you give me £5 cash right now. There is no alternative.”
(The girl awkwardly pauses.)
Student: “Are you sure?”
(The girl gives him a cheeky look before taking off her top completely, exposing her naked front. I stare in shock, before quickly regaining my composure.)
Me: “Well, those are very nice. Now, that’ll be £5 please.”
Customer: "What sort of fuel economy does this one have?"
Me: "Sir, you’re in the wrong lot. That’s another customer’s car."
Customer: "So this one’s reserved? What about the blue one over there?"
Me: "You need to go back to the front of the building. These are all the cars that other customers drove here in."
Customer: "Wait, what? So I can just drive them?"
Me: "No. You can test drive a specific unit of each of our models, but these cars belong to other people."
Customer: "So you’re just going to deprive me of everything? Fine! I’m leaving!"
(He kicks another car on the way out.)
Customer: "Wait… f***! That’s mine!”