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    Category: Wild & Unruly

    Didn’t See The Kicker

    | Pensacola, FL, USA | At The Checkout, Money, Wild & Unruly

    (My girlfriend is a cashier, and I am a customer in her line. There’s a customer in front of me, giving her a hard time. He writes a check and hands it to her.)

    Girlfriend: “I’m sorry, sir, but our system has declined your check.”

    Customer: “What? I’m a millionaire! That’s not possible!”

    Girlfriend: “Well, actually, I think it’s because the license and check are from different states. It’s to prevent identity theft.”

    Customer: “Well, thank you for nothing, worthless b****! I know you did this on purpose!”

    Girlfriend: “Sir, I can assure you I didn’t. Now. Do you have another form of payment?”

    Customer: “No! You d*** b****! You’re just being totally worthless! Why don’t we take this out to the parking lot?”

    Me: “Oh, can I film that?”

    Girlfriend: *smiling* “Absolutely.”

    Customer: “What the h*** are you talking about?”

    Me: “Oh, didn’t you know? She’s a championship kickboxer. I just want to film her kicking your a**.”

    (The customer huffs and stomps away.)

    Girlfriend: “Aw, why did you scare him off? I was looking forward to that.”

    All Snowing, Not All Knowing

    | Edmonton, AB, Canada | Transportation, Wild & Unruly

    Man: “Hey, bro. Do you know when the number seven bus is coming?”

    Me: “It should’ve been here five minutes ago.”

    Man: “Un-f******-believable. I bet you anything the driver’s a woman or old.”

    Me: “Um… or this heavy snow delayed the bus, as it has for the last two days.”

    (Five minutes later…)

    Man: “F*** sakes, I got places to be. B**** needs to hurry up!”

    Me: “Calm down, man. You don’t know what happened.”

    Man: “Stop trying to stick up for these f****** lazy-a** drivers.”

    (I decide not to bother. Ten minutes later the bus arrives. We get on.)

    Man: “F****** finally. We’ve been waiting for an hour in the snow!”

    Driver: “I’m sorry. I was delayed by an accident. Sounds pretty bad; I had to be rerouted so the ambulances could get there.”

    (The man goes silent.)

    Me: “I hope you’re f****** happy now.”

    His Account Just Got Axed

    | Adelaide, SA, Australia | Money, Technology, Wild & Unruly

    Me: “Welcome to [Bank]. This is [Name]. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “This d*** ATM wont give me my money, and now it’s eaten my card! I want you to get it back! NOW!”

    Me: “Okay, sir. May I have you member number please?”

    (The customer confirms the details.)

    Me: “I can see here, sir, that you have used another bank’s ATM, and that you entered the wrong PIN three times?”

    Customer: “It’s not my d*** fault I got my cards mixed up. Just get my card back!”

    Me: “Unfortunately, sir, we are unable to access that machine for you. It does not belong to our bank, and you have used a machine that is not attached to another bank branch, so the card has been cancelled. I can order a new one straight away, but I need to advise you that there will be a fee.”

    Customer: “No. YOU will get my card back right now, or I will go to my car, get my axe, and chop up this machine!”

    Me: “Okay, sir. Go ahead.”

    Customer: “What, what…? But I said that I’m going to get an axe!”

    Me: “I know you did, on someone else’s ATM, so it doesn’t really affect us does it? I should let you know that I have made notes of the threat you just made, though.”

    Customer: “I’ll close all my accounts! I’ll go to the branch right now.”

    Me: “You WILL close your accounts, sir. And I see from your notes that this was your final warning about threatening behavior. However, I suggest that you don’t approach any branch or staff member again, as you apparently have an axe. The police will be notified the moment you step foot in any of our branches. You will be sent a cheque in the mail. Thank you for calling [Bank].”

    Anything Could Spark Him Off

    | QC, Canada | Crazy Requests, Transportation, Wild & Unruly

    (A woman is looking at the spark plug we have on the floor. She seems confused about what she needs, so I go to her to help her pick the right one.)

    Me: “Are you having trouble finding the spark plugs you need?”

    Woman: “Yes! My husband sent me to pick new spark plugs for his car. He gave me an old one to make sure I get the right one, but they all look the same!”

    Me: “Well, just come to the counter and I’ll help you find the right one. I’ll just need some information about the car. Which year, make, model, and engine size is it?”

    Woman: “I think it’s a Ford. It’s a car for sure, not a truck. Pretty sure it’s a Ford. I’m not sure of the year. I think he got it in 2008. Or 2009. But I don’t know if it was new or not. And for the model, it’s the one with 4 doors. It’s grey, too!”

    Me: “Okay. Well, I need more precise info. But it’s all right. I can usually do a cross-reference with the old spark plug you have to see what I have in stock.”

    Woman: “Oh! That’s great. I really don’t know anything about cars, as you can see. My husband sent me because he hates dealing with you people. He thinks you are all incompetent jerks.”

    (I take the spark plug and start checking for cross-reference numbers. However, I can soon sense this will turn bad because the spark plug I hold is made by a company I’ve never heard of. It looks like a cheap Chinese knockoff. To make sure, I ask my coworkers if they’ve ever seen this brand. None have, and it is not listed in our cross-reference book.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. It appears that this brand of spark plug is not listed in our cross-reference books. I’ll have to make a couple of calls to the manufacturers to see if they can match it.”

    Woman: “It’s okay. I’ll wait. My husband will be really pissed off if I don’t come back with the spark plugs.”

    (While I’m waiting on the phone for a manufacturer hotline to answer, her cell phone rings. I can clearly hear her conversation.)

    Woman: “They are looking if they can do cross-reference to find the good one.”

    Husband: “Why the f*** were not able to find one by yourself? Now you’ll have to deal with those f***** morons that work there. It’s not too f****** hard to find one d*** spark plug. F****** useless woman! You’re all the same. Don’t make me come there. They’ll f****** regret it!”

    (By this time, the manufacturer have told me they cannot cross reference this spark plug, and they’ve never heard of this brand before.)

    Me: “I’m very sorry, ma’am. I’ll absolutely need the car information. I cannot do a cross-reference on this plug. Nobody’s seem to have heard of this brand before.”

    Woman: “I was sure this would happen. My husband likes to buy stuff on the internet because he says your store is ripping off people. He says you’re all thieves. His cheap spark plug stopped working and he’s having all sort of problem with the car ever since. But I really don’t know what car he has.”

    Me: “Can you call him and ask him?”

    Woman: “He’ll be pissed off. Too bad for him. He should have come here by himself.”

    (She calls her husband on my phone and tells him I need some info on his car.)

    Husband: “What do you f****** need to know?”

    Me: “Just basic information, sir. Year, make, model, and engine size.”

    Husband: “It’s a f****** Ford. Now gave my wife the spark plugs.”

    Me: “Sorry. I still need the year and engine size.”

    Husband: “I ain’t giving that to you. You’ll know what I’ll drive and you’ll try to rip me off.”

    Me: “Look. If you don’t want to tell me what kind of car you have, it’s fine. But don’t expect to get spark plugs.”

    Husband: YOU F****** B****! YOU’LL GET YOUR SORRY A** ON THE FLOOR AND LOOK AT EACH AND EVERY F****** SPARK PLUG YOU HAVE AND FIND THE ONES I NEED, AND GAVE THEM TO MY ME SO I CAN FINISH MY F****** CAR.

    Me: “Like I said, I’m sorry, but there is nothing I can do in this situation. I will not go on the floor and look at the hundreds of different spark plugs models and lose countless hours because you are too lazy to come up here and buy them yourself, and too paranoid to give me the basic information I need. So I cannot help you and I will terminate this call right now.”

    (The woman told me to not worry; she’d go to her friend’s place for a couple of hours, like she always did when he’s angry at something. She warned me that he would probably come and make all kinds of trouble. As she said, a couple of hours later a guy came in the store with a handful of old spark plugs. He started throwing them at the employees, all the time yelling about how we are thieves and that women are useless pieces of meat. We had to call the police to have him removed from the store. His case went to court and, thankfully, he was sent to anger management class!)

    Putting The Situation On To A Knife-Edge

    | Canada | At The Checkout, Criminal/Illegal, Top, Wild & Unruly

    (I am a customer at a party store, picking up a Halloween costume. The store sells not only costumes, but also toys, props, things for pranks, etc. As I’m getting ready to leave, a gruff-looking customer enters and marches up to the counter.)

    Customer: *pulls out a gun and aims it at the cashier* “Give me all the money or I’ll blow your f****** head off!”

    (Frightened, the cashier starts doing as told, while the other customers are shocked and unmoving. I recognize the gun as not real, but sadly the cashier does not. The customer isn’t paying attention to me. I sneak over to a shelf, pick up a certain item, and quietly remove it from its packaging while he keeps yelling. Eventually, I sneak up behind him.)

    Customer: “Hurry the f*** up! I don’t have all f****** d—”

    (I suddenly shove the stage knife I have unpackaged against his throat from behind.)

    Me: “Drop the gun or I swear to god I will slit your throat right here and now!”

    (Shaking, the man slowly puts the gun on the counter. I grab it with my free hand, just in case. The cashier calls the police, and when they arrive, she explains what happened to them. They arrest the man.)

    Me: “Hey. Before you take him away can I show him something?”

    Officer: “I don’t see why not.”

    (I hold up the fake knife, turn it, and plunge it into my stomach. The fake blade retracts into the handle and does nothing to me. I show him the knife again, and his eyes widen.)

    Me: *in a singsong tone* “Plastic!”

    (The customer was taken away looking both embarrassed and ticked off. The cashier let me keep the fake knife and gave me a discount on the costume I had come in to purchase. All in all, a good day!)


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