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    Category: Wild & Unruly

    Harry Potter And The Disorder Of The Forks-Flicks

    | USA | Top, Wild & Unruly

    (I am a customer at a bookstore. I am browsing a few shelves when another customer comes up to me.)

    Customer: “Excuse me!”

    (I think I’m blocking her way, so I move two feet over.)

    Me: “Sorry, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Why the f*** are you walking away from me, you f***ing little c***?! I’ll have you fired for this!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, I think you’re conf—”

    Customer: “You little w****! You think you can sell my daughter these trashy novels, and expect to get away with it? She told me all about the saleslady who told her ‘Oh, you don’t want the Twilight series, Harry Potter is much better!’ Well, I’m telling you right now, my daughter DOES want the Twilight series. So, you better exchange the books right now, you b****!”

    Me: “Ma’am, there’s been a mistake. I don’t work here.”

    Customer: “DON’T YOU LIE TO ME, YOU LITTLE S***!”

    (The woman whaps me over the head with a hardcover book. This one is the fifth Harry Potter and therefore the thickest. I stumble backwards, and fall on my butt. At this point, an actual employee has noticed the situation, and has called for mall security. He runs over to try to break it up.)

    Employee: “Ma’am, you can’t hit other customers!”

    Customer: “That’s not a customer, and don’t you lie to me! I know it’s another one of your second rate employees, trying to get out of exchanging my books!”

    (The customer proceeds to kick me as I’m still on the ground. When the employee tries to stop her, she hits him across the face with the book as well. He doesn’t fall over; instead, he grabs her arm and gets the book from her. She continues to try attacking, so he puts her in a headlock to immobilize her.)

    Customer: “YOU’RE ALL JUST A BUNCH OF LITTLE F***ERS WHO DON’T WANT TO RETURN MY BOOK! WELL, I’M GETTING ALL YOU A**HOLES FIRED!”

    (After screaming more profanities, security finally shows up. She is escorted out in handcuffs and is currently serving jail time for assault and battery. I ended up with a concussion, but got a five-hundred dollar gift card to the store as compensation. I also got a date with the employee who came to my rescue!)

    Some Customers Deserve To Be Carted Off

    | New Haven, CT, USA | Bizarre, Top, Wild & Unruly

    (I am shopping in a large supermarket. There is a young woman of Asian descent in a wheelchair, examining the ingredient list on some items. A middle-aged woman comes into the same aisle, stares blankly into space and then starts pushing the young woman’s wheelchair.)

    Young Customer: *surprised as her wheelchair is pushed* “Excuse me?”

    Middle-aged Customer: *blankly* “What?

    (The young customer’s wheelchair grinds to a rubbery halt from the brakes.)

    Young Customer: “What exactly do you think you’re doing?”

    Middle-aged Customer: “Why are you in my shopping cart?! GET THE F*** OUT OF MY GROCERIES, YOU B****!”

    Young Customer: *on the verge of tears* “I-I’m sorry, but—”

    Middle-aged Customer: “What did you do to my groceries, you filthy thief?! You steal jobs from my country, and NOW you steal food?!”

    (The middle-aged customer struggles with the young customer for a few seconds. Suddenly, she shoves the young woman off of her wheelchair.)

    Young Customer: *screams*

    (Hearing the poor young customer’s screaming, a manager as well as a few other customers rush over to the aisle to help. Seeing this, the middle-aged customer freezes for a second and then tries to bolt with her “shopping cart”, but can’t push it due to the brakes. The manager takes one look at the girl on the floor, one look at the other woman’s wild expression, and then promptly tackles the woman to the ground as she tries to flee.)

    Middle-aged Customer: *hysterically* “Rape! Rape! Help! I’m being raped!”

    Manager: “Are you serious?!”

    Middle-aged Customer: *points to the young customer* “You should arrest her! She stole my job, and then she stole my groceries!”

    Manager: *fed up* “Well, I’m sure the police will be happy to hear about it!”

    Middle-aged Customer: *gets hauled off as the other customers applaud*

    Bowling For Breadwinners

    | Massapequa, NY, USA | Family & Kids, Wild & Unruly

    (I work at a dollar store in the area where I pack out boxes for a summer job. I am assembling plastic cups in the children’s section when I hear a large bang behind me. I turn around and find a child holding a heavily-loaded shopping cart loaded inches away from my legs. With all that weight, he could have severely injured me. The cart apparently hit the box I was packing out from.)

    Customer: “Mommy! I almost hit him!”

    Customer’s Mom: “Don’t worry sweetie. You’ll get him next time!”

    (I never asked to work in the children’s aisle again!)

    Keep Calm And Cop On

    | USA | Top, Wild & Unruly

    (We have one female coworker on our shift, and despite the fact that we’re all more physically intimidating than she is, we usually will let her handle aggressive customers because she tends to freak them out. Not only is she a calm person, but she can’t read body language and therefore doesn’t respond to menacing behavior. Note: she’s also one of the smallest people working in the store.)

    Customer: *barges up to the counter* “You f***ing people sold me some piece of s*** equipment that doesn’t f***ing work!”

    Female Coworker: *blank stare* “I’m sorry, what seems to be the problem?”

    Customer: “It doesn’t f***ing work! What, do you got cotton in your ears, little girl?”

    Female Coworker: *dead pan* “You did indicate that the device is not working, sir. I was asking for clarification.”

    Customer: *uneasy* “Well it ain’t…downloadin’ stuff like it’s s’posed to.”

    Female Coworker: *holds out her hand* “May I?”

    (She examines the device for a moment, then turns it off and opens the back of it.)

    Female Coworker: “Sir, how long have you had this device?”

    Customer: “Six weeks.”

    Female Coworker: “…and in that time, how much exposure to water or other liquid has it had?”

    Customer: *leans in and gets in her face* “Don’t you DARE try to blame this on me, you f***ing b***! You little godd*** c***! This is all your fault I know you sold me a faulty device! You will fix it or give me my money back, because I didn’t do s***!”

    Female Coworker: *smiling calmly* “Sir, did you perhaps drop it in the snow last week?”

    Customer: “What the f***’s that got to do with anything?”

    Female Coworker: *hands him the device* “When you can answer that, I’m sure anyone here will be happy to help you. However, as the device has been compromised and not by a factory defect, I’m afraid I cannot help you at this time.”

    (Surprisingly, the customer returned a week later, and very sheepishly apologized for his behavior. On that same occasion, another customer with less self control tried to take a swing at my female coworker. We were delighted to discover the first customer was in fact a cop, and got to watch the other guy get arrested in the middle of the store.)

    Don’t Mess With Employees, Part 2

    | Not Always Right | Roundups, Wild & Unruly

    Don’t Mess With Employees, Part 2! This week, we return with part two of the roundup that started it all: teaching misbehaving customers the consequences of messing with employees!

    1. Why Barkeeps Should Rule The World (6,011 thumbs up)
      A cheap patron asks a stupid question and gets a priceless answer!
    2. Scamming In Plain Sight (4,764 thumbs up)
      The only damage this scamming customer will get is to his wallet.
    3. Coming To A Theater Near You: Gangsta Ushers (2,937 thumbs up)
      A thieving movie customer gets the show of a lifetime!
    4. Don’t Mess With The Candyland Gang (1,794 thumbs up)
      What do a Fairy, Santa Clause, and a six-foot Snowman have in common?
    5. Choose Your Battles (3,653 thumbs up)
      A violent video game customer learns it’s best not to wrestle with wrestlers!

    PS #1: check out our new Extras section, with pictures, videos, and news galore!

    PS #2: Read more roundups here!

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