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    Category: Wild & Unruly

    This Apple Doesn’t Foul Far From The Tree

    | Virginia, USA | Family & Kids, Top, Wild & Unruly

    (I work in a community college library. I am passing through the kid’s room, where students often leave their children while they study, when I witness a small boy push a girl down over a toy.)

    Little Boy: *to the little girl* “F***ing C**t!!”

    (Shocked and offended by his foul language, I march straight into the room, snatch him up by the arm, and physically drag him, bawling and squalling into the main library, where his mother is talking on her cell phone.)

    Me: “I’m going to tell your mom EXACTLY what you said to that little girl—”

    Mom: *into her phone* “Hold on…” *to me* “Hey! HEY! What the F*** are you doing to my boy!? F***ING B***H!”

    Courage Under Hire

    | Montreal, Quebec, Canada | At The Checkout, Criminal/Illegal, Top, Wild & Unruly

    (I’m in the back, preparing for my shift. It’s past rush hour, but the station is still busy. My coworker is working the till, and there’s a line of customers.)

    Coworker: “Good evening. What pump did you have?”

    (Suddenly, the customer pulls out a BIG hunting knife.)

    Customer: *threatening* “Give me the cash!”

    Coworker: *annoyed* “Did you have gas to pay for or not? It’s late. There are people behind you in line waiting to pay and go home, and you’re holding up the line.”

    Customer: *lowers knife* “Oh, sorry.”

    (To everyone’s surprise, the would-be robber leaves, dejected. Everyone just stares at my coworker, dumbfounded.)

    Coworker: “Wait, was he trying to rob us?”

    Next Customer: “Balls of steel, man!”

    (My coworker realizes what he’s done, and starts freaking out. He was a bit shaken for an hour or so, but was okay afterwards.)

    Speak Loudly And Carry A Big Stick

    | Morisset, Australia | Bizarre, Wild & Unruly

    (My friend and I are out doing some shopping. Note: my friend had sprained his ankle earlier that day, so I’d leant him a walking stick I happened to own to help him around the store. A rather disheveled old man, also with a cane, approaches us out of the blue.)

    Old Man: *to my friend* “Nice cane!”

    My Friend: “Thanks.”

    Old Man: “Did you get it here?” *turns to an employee who is stocking shelves beside us* “Did he get it here?”

    Employee: “Uh—”

    Old Man: “Handy things, canes! Great for clubbing people!” *swings his cane wildly* “It’s honestly something no senior should be without; they’re great for self-defense. If anyone tries to attack you, or mug you, you can just smash them!”

    (The old man begins to mime beating someone with his cane. My friend, the employee, and I exchange glances.)

    My Friend: “Yeah… good…”

    Old Man: “Do you know what else canes are good for? MOUNTAINS. Have you been to the mountains? They’ve got these great canes up there; huge branches that they’ve carved into. Great for bushwalking, but what I think they should do is just whack one of those little rubber things on the end and sell them as regular old walking sticks. I think there’s a serious market for those!” *turns to the employee* “Would you stock something like that?”

    Employee: “I—”

    Old Man: “And do you know what else? You could sell self defense DVDs with the walking sticks, teaching people the weak spots in the human body and the best way to swing your cane! THE BALLS! Aim for the balls! Or the nose or stomach; that’d work! Even just getaway attacks, like taking out the knees, giving you time to run. You know, even if people didn’t want the walking stick, I think they’d still buy the DVD; that’s really handy knowledge!”

    (He stops as it looks like a thought dawns on him, while the three of us just stare at him, speechless.)

    Old Man: “There is a genuine market for these!” *points at me and my friend accusingly* “It’s mine! You know it’s mine and you can’t have it! Try and steal it… AND I’LL WHACK YA!”

    (He lunges at us with his cane and we jump back when he swings it at us. He laughs maniacally and rushes off without another word, leaving us dumbfounded and a little scared.)

    Employee: *whispers* “Don’t steal his idea, whatever you do…”

    Not Feeling Your Fetishes

    | Mankato, MN, USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Wild & Unruly

    (I’m ringing a customer up, when suddenly she runs her fingers through my hair as I’m leaning down to write something.)

    Customer: “Sorry! Couldn’t resist. Such soft hair! I have a hair fetish… and a foot fetish. But only if they’re clean. You have clean fingernails! So, you’re good.”

    Me: “Uh, thanks…”

    Always Right, Even When Completely Car-razy

    | Pennsylvania, USA | Bizarre, Criminal/Illegal, Holidays, Top, Wild & Unruly

    (It’s Christmas time, and the parking lot has completely filled at the mall where I work. A shuttle is actually taking customers from a stadium across the highway where they are letting us overflow traffic. We’re busy at work when we hear a loud crash outside. An SUV has jumped the curb, onto the sidewalk and slammed into a willow reindeer in front of our window. We all rush out, to see if anyone was hurt, in time to see a woman getting out of the driver’s seat.)

    Manager: “Are you alright?!”

    Woman: “The only thing not alright here is your godd*** parking lot. There’s no f***ing parking anywhere!”

    (Cursing up a storm, she yanks two kids out of the backseat and starts walking away.)

    Manager: “Hey, you can’t leave your car here!”

    Woman: “The h*** I can’t! There’s no other godd*** place to park!”

    (Right after she leaves, security arrives. Our store’s door is partially blocked for an hour while they tow the car, and we fill out paperwork with her description and the police are called to assess the damages. Just before close, the woman and her kids, all laden with shopping bags, come storming into our store. She notices her car is missing and begins screaming and yelling. I run to telephone security.)

    Manager: “Mall security towed your car because—”

    Woman: “The h*** they did! You took the car!”

    Manager:I took it?”

    Woman: “You and your little girlies over there must have pushed it somewhere! Where is it?!”

    (She barges past the manager, through the store, and into the backroom. A moment later, we hear screams and something smash. I get off the phone with security and rush back to find she has smashed our employee coffee pot and is knocking over boxes. Seeing me, she shoves back onto the selling floor, and starts knocking over fixtures and mannequins. The manager has rushed all other customers to the fitting rooms for their safety. Grabbing her kids, the woman heads for the door and is literally tackled by mall security. She not only ends up arrested for property damage and assault charges, but they find shoplifted items in her bags. The clincher? She wrote in to corporate later, complaining about our customer service and demanding a free gift card!)

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