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    Category: Wild & Unruly

    Hard Hats vs. Hard Heads

    | Buffalo, NY, USA | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Top, Wild & Unruly

    (One day, I have a flat tire in front of a coffee & donut shop that is under construction. The shop is obviously unfinished, and is full of equipment and blocked by orange cones. The construction workers on site kindly change my tire and refuse to take my money, so the next day I return with pizzas, wings, and subs as a thank you. As I’m passing out food, an SUV pulls into the lot. The SUV mows down an orange cone which gets stuck under the vehicle and starts making the loudest grinding noise imaginable as it’s dragged along. The foreman goes over to speak to the woman driver. She is yelling at the drive-thru apparatus, which is obviously not operational–just like the rest of the unfinished coffee & donut shop.)

    Woman: “I’d like a large fries, a Big Mac, and a Diet Coke, please!”

    Foreman: “Ma’am, this location is still under construction. There’s no one here to take your order. Furthermore, this is a coffee and donut chain. Even when the building is done, they won’t sell burgers. If you’re looking for burgers, go up the street to the corner.”

    Woman: *exasperated sigh* “Oh, alright then. I’ll take a large coffee with three sugars and a bagel sandwich with cream cheese and jam. Ooh, do they have fritters here?”

    Foreman: “I’m sorry if I was unclear, ma’am, but this store isn’t open yet. There are no employees inside to make your food. Heck, the electrical isn’t installed yet.”

    Woman: “Why, you little fibber! I can see your whole crew eating right over there! You just don’t want me to have a lunch break even though you’re getting one!”

    Foreman: “Ma’am, that food was brought by the woman over there in the suit. We helped her change her tire the other day, so she bought us pizza.”

    Woman: “Pizza?! You said this was a coffee and donut place!”

    Foreman: “The pizza was bought at [local grocery store]. It’s not from here.”

    Woman: “From [local grocery store]? Don’t be ridiculous! This building looks nothing like [local grocery store]! Do you think I’m stupid?!”

    Foreman: “I’m paid to build restaurants ma’am, not give IQ tests. But you’re in a restricted construction zone and you need to leave right now.”

    Woman: “This is bulls***! I demand to speak to your manager right this instant!” *she sees me and starts shouting* “Miss! Oh, Miss! I’d like to speak to you!”

    (I pick my way across the unpaved lot.)

    Woman: “Miss, I’d like to lodge a complaint about your employees!”

    Me: “Madam, I’m not their manager and this building isn’t open for business yet. However, if you pull your right wheel up on that curb, perhaps the crew can dislodge the traffic cone stuck beneath you before you leave so it doesn’t damage your vehicle.”

    Woman: “Of course you’re the manager! You’re wearing a suit and heels! And what’s this nonsense about a traffic cone? I didn’t run over any traffic cone! I tell you it’s like the whole world has gone crazy!”

    Me: “Well, it seems like part of it certainly has. Regardless, I’m not the manager here. However, I am the attorney who’s going to flag down that nice police officer across the street if you don’t cease trespassing and vacate these premises immediately.”

    Woman: “Well, I never! I’m going to call the corporate offices and complain about the whole lot of you. You see if I don’t! I’ll have your jobs!”

    (The woman pulls her car out of the lot, oblivious to the horrible noise being made by the still-wedged traffic cone. She also mows down another cone as she leaves, although that one doesn’t stick.)

    Foreman: “Good grief. So much for Darwin and natural selection.”

    Related:
    Hardcovers Vs. Hard Hats

    Bottom-Rung Bozos

    | Florida, USA | Top, Wild & Unruly

    (This takes place in a small, mom-and-pop gift store. Note: I am about 7 months pregnant when this takes place.)

    Customer: “Hey you, girl! I need one of those games at the top of the shelf.”

    Me: “Sure, no problem, sir. Just give me a moment to finish up here and I’ll grab it.”

    Customer: “Well, hurry up!”

    (The customer continues to mutter about me being useless. I go to grab the ladder when my coworker, who happens to be the owner’s son, sees this.)

    Coworker: *to me* “Oh hey…you don’t need to be on that ladder. I got it.”

    Customer: *to coworker* “What?! No, I asked her. Let her do it!”

    Coworker: “Sir, it’s not safe for her to be up there right now.”

    Customer: “YOU SHOULDN’T BE ACCOMMODATING TO FATTIES!”

    (Note: the customer himself is extremely large.)

    Coworker: “Sir, she’s pregnant, not fat.”

    Customer: “Stupid b**** is just fat! You shouldn’t accommodate fatties! She’s just a fat b****! Make her do her job! STOP ACCOMMODATING THE FATTIES!”

    Me: “Sir, I’m seven months pregnant, not fat, and if you continue to use vulgar language, I will have to ask you to leave.”

    Customer: “You stupid b****! Do your d*** job, you stupid fat a**!”

    Me: “I’m refusing you service. Please leave.”

    Customer: “YOU CAN’T DO THAT! GET THAT D*** GAME! I PAY YOUR SALARY!”

    (The owner, who has overheard the entire exchange, comes over.)

    Owner: “Sir, you shouldn’t be carrying on and calling people fatties…especially pregnant women.”

    Customer: “F*** YOU! I WANT TO TALK TO YOUR MANAGER!”

    Owner: “I’ll do you one better: I own this store, and if I see you in my store again, I will have you arrested for trespassing. Oh…and NO, you don’t pay her salary: I do, and I plan to give her a big raise after this.”

    Customer: “SCREW YOU! You can’t talk to me this way. I’m a paying customer!”

    Coworker: “Hey buddy, you just blow in from stupid town? You haven’t bought anything.”

    Customer: “DON’T ACCOMMODATE FATTIES!”

    (In his anger, he knocks down a rack of merchandise over and hauls out of the store as fast as he can.)

    Coworker: “I’m going to call the police…”

    (The customer was arrested less than a block away, and I got a raise.)

    Kernel Panic

    | Illinois, USA | Technology, Top, Wild & Unruly

    (I’m working at my local electronics store as a technician. A customer in her mid-30s walks up with a laptop.)

    Customer: “There’s something wrong with my laptop screen. It’s all screwed up!”

    Me: “Screwed up like how? Can you please be more specific, ma’am?”

    Customer: “I don’t know how to describe it. The picture’s all warped, and there are these funny multicolored lines on it.”

    Me: “Well, let me take a look at it…”

    (The customer sets the laptop on the counter and I turn it on. As soon as it turns on, it is obvious that the laptop screen is cracked.)

    Me: “Wow! It looks like the screen has an internal crack in it. What happened? Did the laptop fall? Was it struck with something?”

    (The customer looks at me sheepishly for a few moments, and then she responds.)

    Customer: “Last night, I was online and I was eating pistachios. One of them had a really hard shell. So, I took the nut, set it on the laptop, and closed the lid on it so the shell would crack.”

    Me: “You tried to crack open a nut with your laptop?!”

    Customer: “Well, yeah. I didn’t think a pistachio would break my laptop!”

    Aisle Always Need Directions, Part 3

    | Minnesota, USA | Wild & Unruly

    Customer: “Where’s my movie?”

    Me: “Can I see your ticket real quick?”

    Customer: “I left it in my movie. I just went to get popcorn. Where’s my movie?”

    Me: “What theater are you in, sir?”

    Customer: “I want to know where my movie is!”

    Me: “Well, what movie are you seeing?”

    Customer: “MY MOVIE!”

    Me: *taken aback* “I-I’m sorry, sir. If you won’t tell me what you’re seeing, I can’t help you.”

    Customer: *throws his entire bucket of popcorn and a large soda on the floor and storms out of the theater*

    Related:
    Aisle Always Need Directions, Part 2
    Aisle Always Need Directions

    Customers Can Be Tiring

    , | Portland, OR, USA | Top, Wild & Unruly

    (As part of our Memorial Day Weekend special, our tire shop is offering a flat rate $10 tire patch for flat tires. A customer calls ahead to inquire, and walks into our store an hour later.)

    Customer: “I’m here to get the $10 tire patch.”

    (The customer places an extremely old tire on the counter.)

    Me: “I apologize, but this tire is beyond patching. You are going to need to purchase a new tire.”

    Customer: “To h*** I am! You told me on the phone that you could fix this tire for $10, and that’s exactly what you’re going to do.”

    Me: “Ma’am, we can only patch tires with holes or leaks that are in otherwise good condition. This tire has multiple slash marks, and at least five nails that I can count. Not to mention, the rim is corroded and warped.”

    Customer: “Bulls***! You’re doing this because I’m a woman. Don’t think I’m smart enough to know my tires? Well, I’m smart enough to know that your commercials says that I can throw this tire through your window if I’m not satisfied!”

    (The customer tries—and fails—to throw her tire through our front glass. After a few attempts, she picks up a tire iron and starts breaking any glass she can find, including our front window and door. I manage to wrestle the tire iron away from her. At that moment, a policeman also walks in with his own tires.)

    Me: “Ma’am, firstly, that commercial was clearly from [our competitor]. Secondly, there is an armed officer literally right behind you!”

    Policeman: *sighs* “Ma’am, you’re under arrest for disorderly conduct and destruction of property.” *to me* “Can I go ahead and get these two tires replaced? I’ll pick them up when I’m done with the paperwork on all of this…”

    (The woman is arrested and taken away. Everyone in the store remains silent as we reflect on the damage.)

    Manager: “What the f*** just happened?!”


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