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    Category: Wild & Unruly

    Not All Visitors Stink

    | Panama City Beach, FL, USA | Awesome Customers, Family & Kids, Pets & Animals, Top, Wild & Unruly

    (I work at the snack shack at my local zoo one summer. We have a huge group of middle-school aged kids in the park, and their supervisor has all 75+ of them come to the shack at once for lunch. I have been serving for about forty-five minutes when this happens.)

    Kid #1: “Can I get a water and a hot dog for five dollars?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    (I ring him up, take his money, and give him the water. I’ve turned around to get the hotdog and am just coming back when I hear a shriek.)

    Me: “What happened?”

    Kid #1: “I don’t know.” *grabs hot dog and walks off*

    (I try to calm the kids down, and just when they’re in a line again, I smell an powerful odor; it’s obviously what caused the shriek.)

    Me: “Someone set off a stink bomb. One second…”

    (I radio the front so they know, but there are other groups in the park and it’s not an immediate danger, so it’s still just me.)

    Kid #2: “Yeah. I want to know who it is so we can get them later.”

    Me: “Here’s your order. So, someone decided to set off a stink bomb right where you all are getting and eating food?”

    Kid #3: “Pretty much. I want a cheeseburger and a soda.”

    Me: *still serving* “…In a place full of animals with a great sense of smell, like the bears and mandrills behind me?”

    Kid #4: “Don’t worry. We’ll figure it out and beat them up for you!”

    Me: “Oh, that’s sweet.”

    (I keep serving for about another ten minutes when I again hear a shriek; this time, it turns into hysterical screaming. I look and see that one of the parrots has been spooked off his perch, and, for some reason, several kids are screaming since he’s on the ground near them. I grab the radio and tell the keepers, but put up my “Back in Five Minutes” to calm the screaming kids down..)

    Me: *to the screaming kids* “It’s okay. Just back away from the macaw, kids. He’ll be fine; you’ll be fine. Just back up.”

    (The kids do so, and a keeper prepping for the wolf show runs over to put the bird back.)

    Me: “Thanks.”

    Keeper: “No problem. Hang in there…”

    (The keeper has just left when I hear yet another kid yell.)

    Another Kid: “Leave him alone!”

    (I turn to see some kids spooking our white peacock; this other kid, a girl, is trying to protect it.)

    Me: “Oh for the love of… that is the head keeper’s personal favorite animal! Desist!”

    (The kids break up, apparently snickering at my use of the word ‘desist’. I get back into the shack.)

    Kid #6: “Yay, you’re back. Um, a hot pretzel and soda.”

    (After I serve him, I see Kids #2 and #3; they’ve come back with a large group. To my surprise, the kids proceed to empty all the change I’ve given them into the donation jar.)

    Kid #2: “Sorry it’s been so crazy. I swear we’re not all that bad!”

    Be Thankful For Little Squirts

    | USA | Awesome Customers, Family & Kids, Food & Drink, Top, Wild & Unruly

    Rude customer: “What do you mean you don’t have any? I order those clams every time!”

    Waitress: “I’m really sorry, but we had a problem with the order and delivery and don’t have any today.”

    Rude customer: “Well, that’s not good enough. Order it right now. Get them from someone else if you have to.”

    Waitress: “Sir, clam dishes are aren’t available today. I’m sorry for the inconvenience. Perhaps if I may I suggest another dish?”

    Rude customer: “I don’t care. Get me my clams now!”

    Waitress: “As I’ve already explained—”

    Rude customer: “I want my clams!” *bangs table*

    (Suddenly, a stream of water squirts on him.)

    Rude customer: “What the f*** was that?!”

    (At a nearby table sits a little boy with a water gun.)

    Little boy: “Naughty, naughty, naughty!”

    His Story Isn’t Rat-ified

    | Boston, MA, USA | Bizarre, Criminal/Illegal, Hotels & Lodging, Pets & Animals, Top, Wild & Unruly

    (I am waiting to check in to a small hotel. When I walk up to the front desk, the concierge is answering the phone. The speaker is loud enough that I can follow most of the conversation.)

    Concierge: “Hello, front desk.”

    Caller: “There’s a squirrel in my room!”

    Concierge: “A squirrel in your room? Please be careful, sir. We’ll send someone along right away to remove it.”

    Caller: “Better hurry, it’s a big one! It opened the window!”

    Concierge: “Sorry, did you say the squirrel was able to open the window?”

    Caller: “Yeah, with its little hands!”

    Concierge: “You should leave your room right now and we’ll send someone along.”

    Concierge: *over the radio* “Security to room [number] to remove a squirrel, please.”

    (I check in. As I do so, the concierge is very flustered and apologetic about the squirrel issue.)

    Security: *radio* “Uh, front desk, this ain’t a squirrel.”

    Concierge: “What? What is it?”

    Security: “A raccoon. And the windows sealed shut.”

    (My spouse works in animal control and I know we’re in an area that has a rabies problem, so I feel the need to speak up.)

    Me: “There’s a rabies risk here, so you should really call animal control.”

    Concierge: “Okay, I’m gonna—”

    Security: “Also, this guy’s drunk as s***, and he’s telling me the raccoon is his pet cat.”

    Concierge: “F*** it. I’m calling the cops.”

    (Luckily, the raccoon was healthy, but the unfortunate hotel guest was deemed drunk, disorderly, and in possession of a local zoo’s stolen raccoon!)

    Admitting Defeat Was An Easy Thing Touché

    | Boston, MA, USA | Awesome Workers, Criminal/Illegal, Top, Wild & Unruly

    (The owner of the bookstore where I work is very old and walks with a cane. Despite this, he always wanders the shelves and helps out patrons. Behind the counter, in a glass case, he keeps an assortment of trophies and medals he won in his youth. One night, someone decides to try to steal them.)

    Owner: “I’m sorry, but you can’t be behind the counter.”

    Robber: *smashing the glass* “F*** you, old man! Just stay away and don’t do anything stupid!”

    (The robber sweeps the medals into his backpack and then tries to open the till.)

    Owner: “Stop that, young man! You’re making a terrible mistake!”

    Robber: *waves a large knife* “Yeah, well so are you! Back off! How do you open this f***ing thing?”"

    Owner: “Take a look at all those medals.”

    Robber: “What? Just open the f***ing cash register!”

    Owner: *very calmly* “Just take a look.”

    Robber: *confused* “Uh, okay. Yeah, they’re gold. That’s why I took them, you a**hole. Gold fencing, gold fencing, silver fencing…”

    (The owner gracefully draws the sword from his sword-cane.)

    Robber: “Oh, please! Try that stuff in a real fight and you’ll just get kill—”

    (With a flick of his weapon, the owner removes the robber’s glasses.)

    Robber: *drops the knife* “Don’t hurt me!” *drops to his knees*

    (I had called the police as soon as the knife came out. They arrive and identify the robber as a serial burglar who had stabbed a previous victim. Years later, at the owner’s retirement party, he recounts the story.)

    Owner: “You know, hearing that story makes me think of two things. One, I wish a fencing judge had been there so I could have gotten the gold for that bout, and two, I missed the only time in my life when I could have asked someone if they called that a knife.”

    The Lamp Isn’t The Only Thing That Needs Rewiring

    | VA, USA | Bizarre, Wild & Unruly

    (A tweaker-looking kid comes up to my cash register holding an old lamp that clearly needs professional rewiring. I am no electrician; I’m merely a cashier.)

    Customer: “Do you sell a cord that plugs into this to make it work?”

    (I look closely at the lamp.)

    Me: “I see that it has no place to plug any modern cord. You will need to speak with someone in the electrical department for help with rewiring it.”

    Customer: *bursts into a sing-song yell* “I wish you knew how to do your d*** job!”

    (He then runs off in circles, drops some merchandise and heads for the exit.)

    Customer: “Kiss my royal f***ing a**!”

    Me: “Just leave. Go away. Don’t come back again!”

    (The boy continues swearing and flipping the bird. He has to be escorted out. My manager approaches me.)

    Manager: “Is it a full moon?”

    (Later on, a coworker from the electrical department comes up to the manager.)

    Coworker: “Did you see a dirty guy with a brass lamp? He just hit me and called me a monkey while I was with a customer!”

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