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    Category: Wild & Unruly

    Crouching Tiger, Hidden Powers

    | Queens, NYC, NY, USA | Awesome Customers, Awesome Workers, Family & Kids, Food & Drink, Top, Wild & Unruly

    (I’m half-Chinese, but with my sunglasses on, people usually can’t tell. I’m fluent in Mandarin. One day I get a text from my friend, a grade-school teacher.)

    Friend: “You speak Chinese, right?”

    Me: “Yeah, why?”

    Friend: “Come down to [intersection] around noon and explain what the f*** is going on.”

    (At my lunch break I head down there. On one side of the street is a crowd of school kids, while on the other side an elderly Chinese man with an ice cream cart.)

    Kid #1: “I’m gonna do it.”

    Kid #2: “No way.”

    Kid #1: “Yeah way. I’m fast enough!”

    Kid #2: “You’re not Chinese.”

    Kid #1: “So?”

    Kid #2: “Only [Chinese name] can do it.”

    Kid #1: “I’m gonna do it.”

    (Kid #1 dashes across the street, yanks back the cover of the cart, and grabs a handful of ice cream. He takes off, but the vendor catches him, pinning both arms behind his back.)

    Vendor: “Ah, three bars? Your total is $9.28.”

    Kid #1: “Lemme go!”

    (The vendor removes some money from the kid’s pocket with his free hand.)

    Vendor: “Cash paid is $20.”

    Kid #1: “Yeah, yeah, I know the drill.”

    (While still holding the struggling kid, the vendor deposits the $20 in his till and takes out change.)

    Vendor: “Your change is $10.72.”

    (The vendor puts the change and ice creams in a bag and hands them to the kid, who takes off.)

    Vendor: “Have a nice day!”

    Kid #2: “Told you.”

    Kid #1: “Fine! Okay, [Chinese name], you do it!”

    (A short Chinese boy steps forward. His clothes are patched and despite the weather, he’s not wearing a coat.)

    Chinese Kid: “Let us meditate… on the way of the wind.”

    (He strikes a ridiculous pose and exhales loudly. The other kids jump back.)

    Chinese Kid: “…on the way of the snake…”

    (New pose, hissing loudly. The others back away even more.)

    Chinese Kid: “…on the way of the hawk.”

    (He flaps his arms and jumps in a circle. The kids are a good twenty feet away now.)

    Chinese Kid: “The meditation is done.”

    (He runs up to the ice cream vendor and grabs a handful of bars. The vendor strikes him with an exaggerated karate chop which the kid easily blocks.)

    Chinese kid: *flees, speaking Chinese* “Thank you, Mr. [Name]!”

    Vendor: *shakes his fist angrily, also in Chinese* “Sorry, we are out of lime today!”

    (The Chinese kid kicks towards the vendor from across the street.)

    Chinese kid: “My mother says she hopes your leg feels better!”

    Vendor: *red-faced with rage* “It does! Tell her thank you for the tea!”

    (The kids are enthralled. As they eat the ice cream, I approach the vendor.)

    Me: *in Chinese* “What just happened?”

    Vendor: “Oh… you understood. That little boy is a new immigrant, and all the other children mocked him because he is small and weak. He told them Chinese people have special powers, and they beat him up and told him to prove it. But I overheard and whispered to him to rob me. Now we have a deal.”

    Me: “How wonderful!” *pointing behind him* “Hey, can you tell what that is?”

    (As he turns around, I drop some money on the cart and grab a bar of ice cream, fleeing.)

    Vendor: “You forgot your change!”

    Me: *shakes my fist* “It’s a tip!”

    Kids: “Whoa! How did you do that?”

    (I slip off my sunglasses. The Chinese kid bows to me and I bow back.)

    Kid #2: “Told you they have special powers. Never bully a Chinese kid, man. Never!”

    The Dumb And The Dubious

    | The Netherlands | Bad Behavior, Criminal/Illegal, Theme Of The Month, Transportation, Wild & Unruly

    (I work at a car wash that often sees high-end vehicles such as Ferraris. In fact, we get so much people staring that we’d actually had to change our exit to the road as people always bunched up around the cars making exiting difficult. The exit is very well signed, with big white lines being drawn; not a single accident has happened. However, one day, someone in a very banged-up Volkswagen wants to save time by driving into the exit so he could get to the pump quicker, but drives straight into a brand new Ferrari.)

    Volkswagen Driver: “My car! Look at what you have done to my car!”

    Ferrari Driver: “Pardon me?!”

    Volkswagen Driver: “Look at what you have done to my car with your s*** Lamborghini!”

    Ferrari Driver: “First of all, this is a Ferrari. Secondly, I honestly can’t tell if the big dent in your car was there to begin with or not. Judging by the state of your vehicle, it must have been. But, seeing how you have damaged my vehicle, we are going to have a problem.”

    Volkswagen Driver: “Pssh. Your car isn’t worth half of mine! See the audio equipment in my baby, buddy? 500 Euros!”

    (The Ferrari driver gets on his phone as the Volkswagen driver continues to rant about how that ‘piece of s*** Porsche’ ruined his car. Sure enough, the police arrive and take statements. Once they take the Ferrari owner’s statement and review our security footage, the Volkswagen driver is blamed.)

    Volkswagen Driver: “F*** you, a**holes!” I’m not going to pay for that wreck!”

    Police Officer: “You certainly are, but we’ll discuss that on the station.”

    Volkswagen Driver: “Why?!”

    Police Officer: “Well, to start with, you’ve given us false details. Following that, you caused an accident and refused to settle this correctly whilst clearly being to blame. Following that, we have done a check on your vehicle and it’s uninsured. Also, you don’t have a licence and you’re wanted for two hit and runs.”

    (At that moment the Volkswagen driver starts to run. His mistake is trying to run past the Ferrari driver, who has been calm and collected through the whole ordeal. Without a single second thought, the Ferrari driver takes a swing at the Volkswagen driver; who gets hit in the stomach and collapses for the police officers to arrest him. We learn that the Volkswagen driver was put in jail for four years for various offences, while the Ferrari driver was let off with a warning.)

    When Customers Finally See The Light(ning)

    | Manitoba, Canada | Bad Behavior, Theme Of The Month, Wild & Unruly

    (It’s pouring rain and lightning has struck a nearby tower at our water park. We’ve therefore closed for safety and have evacuated all the guests. A woman of about 40 walks up to the gate while I’m ushering my fellow employees out of the park.)

    Customer: “I’d like a ticket, please.”

    Me: “I’m sorry; we’re closed right now due to inclement weather.”

    Customer: “But I came here to use the water slides!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but it’s not safe right now. Lightning could strike one of the structures at any moment.”

    Customer: “Sell me a ticket!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I cannot do that. We cannot allow you to enter the park during extreme weather.”

    (Suddenly, the woman HITS me in the face with her beach bag and runs into the park. Two of the burly male lifeguards run after her and drag her back to safety just as lightning strikes our tallest water slide structure. There are very dramatic sparks and fire. The woman screams, turns, and starts running from the park. On her way out, she picks up her beach bag, hits me in the face AGAIN, and runs to her car. She got away.)

    The Karate Kid: Christmas Special

    | Kent, England, UK | Bad Behavior, Family & Kids, Holidays, Theme Of The Month, Top, Wild & Unruly

    (Is a few days before Christmas, and people are after their last few gifts. I’m stacking shelves when I see a confrontation between a man who is tall and obviously goes to the gym and a boy who is about nine years old.)

    Man: “Give me that toy! You’re only going to steal it!”

    Boy: “No, I got here first. You should have been more prepared.”

    Man: “Shut up you brat. I’m your elder. You should respect me. Just give me the toy or I’ll educate you!”

    (Note that the toy in question is big, enough so that the boy has to hold it with both hands. The man and the boy start struggling over it.)

    Man: “F***ing let go!”

    Boy: “NO!”

    (The man raises his fist and I quickly jump up to stop him. However, before I can, the boy kicks the man’s hand out the way and then kicks his legs out from under him, sending him crashing to the ground—all while still holding on to the toy.)

    Boy: “I’ll let you know what my sister thinks of the toy!”

    (The man quickly runs off, humiliated. It turns out the boy and I have the same karate instructor, and he was one grade behind me.)

    Fuming Over The Gas, Part 2

    | Green Bay, WI, USA | Crazy Requests, Extra Stupid, Wild & Unruly

    (We are located in a small strip mall. As I am checking out a customer, I see a police officer walk in and two fire trucks pull up. The officer comes up to me and ask if there is a manager around.)

    Me: *to my manager* “Um…. the police are here. They said they need to talk to a manager.”

    Manager: “I’ll be right there.”

    (When she comes to the front, we find out that the building next to us has a gas leak. We make an announcement to evacuate the store. Outside the store is myself, the front manager, night manager, and two framers.)

    Framer #1: “You know, I get the feeling a customer is going to ask what going on…” *motions to the fire trucks and the orange cones blocking the store’s entrance* “…and when we tell them, they will ask if we’re open.”

    Framer #2: “Don’t be ridiculous!”

    (Just then a female customer walks up to us.)

    Customer: “Oh my, what’s going on here?”

    Me: “A gas leak happened next door. It’s starting to leak into ours.”

    Customer: “Oh… so are you open?”

    Me: *stunned* “Um, no we aren’t. We had to evacuate.”

    (The customer huffs and grumbles about me being lazy. She then goes to the night manager, who tells her the same thing.)

    Customer: “But that’s next door’s problem! Why is it yours!?”

    Manager: “Because the gas is leaking into our store.”

    Customer: “But I need to get something! Can’t you let me in?”

    (This carries on, as both the front manager and the framers both explain to her why she cannot go in. The police officer walks over.)

    Officer: “Ma’am, we cannot let you or anyone in. If you will be patient, the fire department will see what the levels are, and then we could possibly let you in.”

    Customer: *huffs and storms off*

    Framer #1: “I was only kidding when I said that!”

    Framer #2: “You should know by now: when somebody becomes a customer, they lose all common sense.”

    Related:
    Fuming Over The Gas

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