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    Category: Wild & Unruly

    Admitting Defeat Was An Easy Thing Touché

    | Boston, MA, USA | Awesome Workers, Criminal/Illegal, Top, Wild & Unruly

    (The owner of the bookstore where I work is very old and walks with a cane. Despite this, he always wanders the shelves and helps out patrons. Behind the counter, in a glass case, he keeps an assortment of trophies and medals he won in his youth. One night, someone decides to try to steal them.)

    Owner: “I’m sorry, but you can’t be behind the counter.”

    Robber: *smashing the glass* “F*** you, old man! Just stay away and don’t do anything stupid!”

    (The robber sweeps the medals into his backpack and then tries to open the till.)

    Owner: “Stop that, young man! You’re making a terrible mistake!”

    Robber: *waves a large knife* “Yeah, well so are you! Back off! How do you open this f***ing thing?”"

    Owner: “Take a look at all those medals.”

    Robber: “What? Just open the f***ing cash register!”

    Owner: *very calmly* “Just take a look.”

    Robber: *confused* “Uh, okay. Yeah, they’re gold. That’s why I took them, you a**hole. Gold fencing, gold fencing, silver fencing…”

    (The owner gracefully draws the sword from his sword-cane.)

    Robber: “Oh, please! Try that stuff in a real fight and you’ll just get kill—”

    (With a flick of his weapon, the owner removes the robber’s glasses.)

    Robber: *drops the knife* “Don’t hurt me!” *drops to his knees*

    (I had called the police as soon as the knife came out. They arrive and identify the robber as a serial burglar who had stabbed a previous victim. Years later, at the owner’s retirement party, he recounts the story.)

    Owner: “You know, hearing that story makes me think of two things. One, I wish a fencing judge had been there so I could have gotten the gold for that bout, and two, I missed the only time in my life when I could have asked someone if they called that a knife.”

    The Lamp Isn’t The Only Thing That Needs Rewiring

    | VA, USA | Bizarre, Wild & Unruly

    (A tweaker-looking kid comes up to my cash register holding an old lamp that clearly needs professional rewiring. I am no electrician; I’m merely a cashier.)

    Customer: “Do you sell a cord that plugs into this to make it work?”

    (I look closely at the lamp.)

    Me: “I see that it has no place to plug any modern cord. You will need to speak with someone in the electrical department for help with rewiring it.”

    Customer: *bursts into a sing-song yell* “I wish you knew how to do your d*** job!”

    (He then runs off in circles, drops some merchandise and heads for the exit.)

    Customer: “Kiss my royal f***ing a**!”

    Me: “Just leave. Go away. Don’t come back again!”

    (The boy continues swearing and flipping the bird. He has to be escorted out. My manager approaches me.)

    Manager: “Is it a full moon?”

    (Later on, a coworker from the electrical department comes up to the manager.)

    Coworker: “Did you see a dirty guy with a brass lamp? He just hit me and called me a monkey while I was with a customer!”

    I’ve Got That Drinking Feeling

    | Brisbane, QLD, Australia | At The Checkout, Awesome Workers, Criminal/Illegal, Food & Drink, Underaged, Wild & Unruly

    (I’m standing in line at the counter, when an obviously drunk and under-aged boy wanders in. The cashier behind the counter is onto him like a shot.)

    Cashier: “Excuse me there, champ. Have you got some ID on you?”

    Drunk teen: “No, I don’t. Why?”

    Cashier: “I’m going to have to ask you to leave my shop then, champ. Right now, please.”

    Drunk teen: “What, just because I have no ID?”

    Cashier: “Among other things, yes. You can’t prove you’re 18, and you’re clearly drunk, which means you’re not legally allowed to be in this store. Please don’t be difficult; just leave.”

    (The drunk teen makes his way to the exit peacefully, but once past the front door decides to act up.)

    Drunk teen: “Well, f*** you! F*** you and get f***ed! I’ll f***ing be here if I want to f***ing be here!” *flips both middle fingers at the cashier*

    (The cashier, who is far taller and broader than he appears while he’s behind the counter, moves into the doorway to prevent the teen re-entering.)

    Cashier: *very calmly* “No, you won’t. Now you’re becoming both an annoyance and a disturbance. You’d better get out of here quick smart, before something happens that you’ll regret later.”

    Drunk teen: “F*** you! I’m gonna bash you man! I’m gonna beat your face!”

    Cashier: *cracks up laughing* “Champ, I doubt you could even beat yourself off at this point.” *takes a step outside the shop* “Please though, take a swing. Give me the excuse.”

    (At this point it apparently dawns on the teen that’s he’s in way over his head and his attempt at intimidation has failed miserably. The cashier seems quite willing to make an example of him.)

    Drunk teen: “Uh… uh… I’m… I’m gonna hurt you man!”

    Cashier: *icily, dangerously calm* “No. You’re going to apologise to the customers for annoying them, you’re going to apologise to me for annoying me, and then you’re going to leave, very quickly, before I put my size 14s so far up your arse your kids are born with tread-marks on their faces, so help me God.”

    (The drunk teen starts to stammer out something, but is interrupted.)

    Cashier: *in a very convincing and menacing Bale-Batman voice* “Get the f*** out of here. Now!”

    (The teen flees at his top speed, bumping into and tripping over everything in his path. We all give the cashier a huge round of applause, and an elderly couple high-fived him!)

    Going Overboard With The Engagement Ring

    | NY, USA | Bizarre, Top, Wild & Unruly

    (I work on a tour boat in New York. Some friends are on my tour. My partner of 6 years asked me to marry him yesterday, so I am excitedly showing my friends my breathtaking new engagement ring. An elderly lady has been glaring at us while I talk to them.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, can I get anything for you?”

    Lady: “Did you say you’re getting married?!”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am! I’m so excited!”

    Lady: “You’re too young to get married!”

    (Suddenly, the lady grabs my hand and rips my ring off my finger. Before anyone can do anything, she flings my ring overboard. I am in total shock while my friend screams at the lady.)

    My Friend: “She’s 28!”

    Lady: *suddenly all smiles* “Oh! That’s alright then. I’ll have a Coke. Thank you, dear!”

    (I now have a new ring, but I never wear it to work.)

    Putting The Sub Into Subservient

    | Toronto, ON, Canada | Food & Drink, Wild & Unruly

    (I’m training at the back of a sandwich store with a coworker, when we notice that our other coworker on service needs help. Note: we have a promotion that makes any foot-long sandwich $6.00 between 11 pm and 11 am.)

    Customer: “No! How much is that?! [Your coworker] just said ‘no’!”

    Me: “Pardon me, miss, what seems to be the—”

    Customer: “You have a sign outside that says every sub is six dollars.”

    Me: “Yes, that’s true.”

    Customer: “But she just said ‘no’!”

    Coworker: “Miss, all foot-long subs -are- six dollars right now.”

    (Suddenly, the customer lunges at my colleague. Her boyfriend immediately grabs her and pulls her to him.)

    Customer’s Boyfriend: “Babe, calm down.”

    Customer: “…Okay. Look: my boyfriend just asked if my sub was the same price. And you said no.”

    Coworker: “Right! Yes. Because your sub is a six inch, and is cheaper.”

    Customer: “But your sign says they’re ALL six dollars! And you said ‘no’!”

    Customer’s Boyfriend: “Babe, you’ve got to calm down.”

    Coworker: “Yeah, because your sub is only six inches long. It’s cheaper.”

    Customer: *glares at us*

    Me: “Regardless, your sub is only four dollars, miss.”

    Customer: *turning on me, wildly* “No! I’m not paying for that! She said ‘no’!” *gestures to her boyfriend’s foot-long* “He’s paying for that, and that’s it! *turns to her boyfriend* “And don’t you ever grab me again!”

    Customer’s Boyfriend: “Oh, yeah, I’m the one in trouble here.”

    (The boyfriend and I finish the transaction for his foot-long while the girlfriend paces angrily outside.)

    Me: “Here’s your change… and good luck.”

    Customer’s Boyfriend: “Thanks. I’ll need it.”


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