Category: Uncategorized

My Neighbor Broke, Can You Fix It

| Boulder, CO | Uncategorized

Tech Support: “So you’re having issues picking up your wireless signal … how many connections are there?”

Customer: “There’s two other networks but only one bar on each … those are my bad neighbors.”

Tech Support: “So the good signal isn’t there? Hmm, your modem might be off; can we check that?”

Customer: “Modem?”

(Tech support troubleshot that for a while before realizing the guy had never paid for internet before and didn’t own a modem.)

Tech Support: “Sir, when you said the other connections were your ‘bad neighbors…’ Did you mean that the good neighbor with the good signal isn’t there?”

Customer: “Oh, he moved?”

Sorry, Scotty & Spock Haven’t Been Born Yet

| Boulder, CO | Uncategorized

Customer: “Hello, is this Tech support?”

Me: “Absolutely, is there an issue I can help you with?”

Customer: “Yeah I want you to take over my computer and tell me what’s wrong with it. It’s all crazy.”

Me: (Thinking about how “all crazy” actually constitutes as a good description of a problem in most cases) “Okay ma’am well I assume you’ve had us remote control your machine again, so go ahead and open the program for me and I’ll try to connect. What’s the IP address?”

Customer: “No, you can’t have my IP.”

Me: “Well it’s impossible to help you without it. Don’t worry, I’m not going to do something to your machine.”

Customer: “No, you don’t understand. My ISP or whatever stopped giving me internet so I need you to do it some other way.”

Me: “Ma’am, without internet I can’t just .. beam into your computer.”

Customer: “Man, those guys control EVERYTHING!!”

*click*

The State Eats Cuddly Puppies & Kittens, Too

| Mississippi, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Good Afternoon, Mississippi Department of xxxxxx. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Yes, I would like y’all to get me some food stamps. My kids are hungry and I got fired last week.”

Me: “Ma’am, we don’t issue food stamps. You need to contact the Department of Human Services.”

Caller: “What?! My cousin told me to call y’all and y’all would get us fed. I know the State has lots of monies, can’t you just send us some?”

Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, you need to call DHS and they will be able to assist you.”

Caller: “F*** You! The G**-D***** State never does a damn thing for us poor folks! I hope you feel the fires of hell for starving children!” *click*

Me: *stunned silence*

When Generations Collide

, | Los Angeles, CA | Uncategorized

Old man in a Japanese Gift Shop: “Do you carry thongs here?”

Me: “Uh… WHAT?”

Old man: “You know… flippity flops… sandals!”

Better Idea: Make Your Boys Wear Dresses

, | Northern California, USA | Uncategorized

Lady customer: “Where’s your boy stuff?”

Me: “We don’t really have any. This store is mainly targeted for girls.”

Lady customer: “WELL YOU SHOULD!”

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