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    For Battery Or Worse

    | Leesburg, VA, USA |

    (A woman and her young son walk in with a small magnetic whiteboard with a detachable marker.)

    Customer: “I’d like to return this please, but I don’t have the receipt.”

    Me: “Sure, no problem.”

    (When I try to process the return, the whiteboard doesn’t show up in our system. I take a closer look and realize that it doesn’t come from our store.)

    Me: “Ma’am, I can’t return this for you. It isn’t our product.”

    Customer: *angrily* “What! Don’t be ridiculous. I bought it from here! I’m sure!”

    (Sensing a potential problem, I call my manager over. He looks at the whiteboard.)

    Manager: “Ma’am, this brand belongs to [competitor]. I worked there for seven years; trust me.”

    Customer: “No! I only ever shop here!”

    Manager: “I’m sorry, but this isn’t our product.”

    (The customer refuses to believe us. She forces us to call the store branch she claims she bought it from and pull their records to try and find her purchase. Half an hour later, she’s still arguing with us and her son is looking increasingly embarrassed.)

    Manager: “Ma’am, I assure you that this product does not come from our store. Look.”

    (He goes to the computer and pulls up our competitor’s website. He clicks on a list of their brand names, which include the one printed on the whiteboard.)

    Customer: *angrily* “But I never shop at [competitor]! I get everything here!”

    (Suddenly the customer’s son speaks up.)

    Customer’s Son: “Wait, mom, didn’t we go there to buy batteries a couple weeks ago?”

    (The customer’s anger dissipates and she gets an embarrassed look on her face.)

    Customer: “Oh… right…” *looks at us* “Well, how was I supposed to remember that?!”

    Dewey Decimal Disobedience

    | Teaneck, NJ, USA |

    (Note: Because it is a large, central location, the public library is sometimes used for town meetings. However, the library employees have nothing to do with these meetings. On this particular night, a public hearing is being held on the topic of firefighter layoffs.)

    Firefighter #1: *leaving meeting* “I can’t believe they’re actually firing people! This is so f***ed up!”

    Firefighter #2: “Those f***ing d***s!”

    Firefighter #1: “I’ll show them! I’ll mess up their card catalogs!”

    Me: *to coworker* “Do you want to be the one to tell him we use computers?”

    Courage Under Fire

    | Boise, ID, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling. How can I help you?”

    Caller: “I want to make a payment on my account, please.”

    (Suddenly, the fire alarm starts screaming its little mechanical head off.)

    Me: “Sir, I apologize, but our fire alarm is going off and I have to leave the building. You’ll need to call back.”

    Caller: “I don’t give a d*** if you burn to death. You’re going to take my payment right now!”

    Me: “Not happening, sir. Please call back.” *I hang up the call*

    Manager: “Why are you still sitting there? Get out! Do you want to burn to death?”

    Me: “Well, the customer wanted me to!” *I grab my purse and run out*

    Weighting For The Other Shoe To Drop

    | South Carolina, USA |

    Regular Customer #1: “Hey, have you lost weight?”

    Me: *beaming* “I have, in fact! I’ve had to fight pretty hard for it. Thank you for noticing!”

    (Ten minutes later…)

    Regular Customer #2: “Are you having a baby?”

    Me: *no longer beaming*

    Zuck Makes Us All Look Like Schmucks

    | Sonoma, California, USA |

    Customer: “Are you the owner?”

    Me: “Me?”

    Customer: “Yeah!”

    Me: *laughs* “No, sir, I’m 17. I’m just a server.”

    Customer: “So!? Age doesn’t matter! That one Facebook guy was like 16, and he’s a billionaire!”

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