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    Just Check The Stalk’s Expiration Date

    | Nova Scotia, Canada |

    (This happened during corn season last year.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, how fresh is this corn?”

    Me: “It was just picked this morning, so it’s about as fresh as it gets.”

    Customer: “Yes, but God knows how long it’s been growing!”

    Going For Broke With The Gouda

    | Cottonwood Heights, UT, USA |

    Me: *on the phone* “**** Pizza, will this be for delivery or carry-out?”

    Caller: “Delivery.”

    (We go through the order, and we come to the toppings.)

    Caller: “Yeah, a supreme pizza. And make sure the toppings aren’t cheesy!”

    Me: “You don’t want cheese on them?”

    Caller: “No! I said I don’t want them to be cheesy!”

    Me: “Um, our toppings are of good quality…”

    Caller: “I’m sure they are, but I don’t want them cheesy! CHEESY!”

    (I hear a kid’s voice in the background.)

    Caller: “Oh, my eight-year-old says to say, ‘don’t hold back on the toppings’. You understand that?”

    Me: “Oh…yes, I understand now.”

    Caller: “Good. Don’t be cheesy.”

    Songs In The Key Of Clueless

    | North Carolina, USA |

    (A customer walks in with a saxophone case, looking very worried.)

    Me: “Hello, how can I help you today?”

    Customer: “I want to sell my violin, it’s in great condition.”

    Me: “Certainly, can I see the violin please?”

    Customer: “Yes, sure.”

    (At this point he opens up the sax case and places a nearly new tenor sax on the table.)

    Me: “Uh, sir, that’s a saxophone, not a violin.”

    Customer: “No, no, it’s a violin. I’m sure of it.”

    Me: “Sir, I’m telling you it’s a saxophone. A violin has strings, and a bow.”

    Customer: “No. It’s a violin. You think I don’t know a violin when I see one?”

    (The argument continues in this fashion for another 5-10 minutes.)

    Me: “Sir, are you still trading this instrument in? We can sort this out later.”

    Customer: “…what’s an instrument?”

    Me: *face palm*

    Used To Be That A Few Cans Tied Together Got You Online

    | Ottawa, Ontario, Canada |

    Caller: “I noticed I have a data block on my phone.”

    Me: “Yes sir, that’s correct.”

    Caller: “Will it stop the Internet?”

    Me: “Yes sir, it blocks all incoming and outgoing kilobytes to the phone. This does include the prevention of Internet usage.”

    Caller: “Kilobytes?”

    Me: “It’s a measurement of data, sir.”

    Caller: “Well, I want to keep my Internet!”

    Me: “Then I’ll be more than happy to remove the blo–”

    Caller: “But I want to keep my block too!”

    Me: “Sir, the data block stops all incoming and outgoing data to your device. Since the Internet is made of data, it’ll get blocked too.”

    Caller: “Since when did the Internet start being made out of data and kilobytes?”

    A Very Loose-Knit Family

    | San Diego, CA, USA |

    (I call a man from our waiting list and begin to take him to his table.)

    Customer: “Wait, I’m going to eating with my wife and daughter. How are they going to find me?”

    Me: “Oh, we have your name from the list, sir. We can send them on back when they arrive.”

    Customer: “How are they going to know my name?”

    Me: “Your wife and daughter don’t know your name?”

    Customer: “No!”

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