November Theme Of The Month: Black Friday!

Category: Uncategorized

Stop The Presses

| Wroclaw, Poland | Uncategorized

(I was working on the theater’s ticket-selling system. It printed every ticket using a thermal printer, on paper that gets black in spots where it is heated. A customer comes in with a completely black ticket.)

Customer: “I want this ticket replaced! What kind of tickets do you sell?! I can’t see anything on it!”

Me: “I’m sure we didn’t give you this ticket in this poor state. What happened to it?”

Customer: “It got all bent in my purse and looked ugly, so I ironed it.”

Me: “But ma’am, this ticket is printed on a thermal paper. It gets black when heated, so–”

Customer: “You should’ve warned me that I can’t iron the ticket!”

Once You Go Front-Load, You Never Go Back

| Ithaca, NY, USA | Uncategorized

(I sell home appliances at a national store chain. I’m talking to a married couple interested in a washer and dryer.)

Me: “So this is one of our top-rated washers in terms of reliability, price, and capacity.”

Wife: “Does it come in other colors?”

Me: “Yes. You’ll notice on the sign here, there’s a listing of the colors available and the price difference, if any. So, for instance, this machine also comes in another color.”

Husband: “I bet that machine has a much bigger capacity.”

Wife: “Ugh, why is it always about sex with you?”

Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

He’s Ho-Ho-Home For the Holidays

| Chillicothe, OH, USA | Uncategorized

(A customer comes up to us shortly after our mall Santa has finished for the season.)

Customer #1: “Hey, is Santa here?”

Me: “No, yesterday was his last day.”

Customer #1: “When will he be back?”

Me: “I think he’s done for the season.”

Customer #1: “Well, do you know where he is?”

Me: “Um…the North Pole?”

Customer #2: “Hahaha!”

Customer #1: “…okay, I walked in to that one.”

Please Do Not Creep Out The Employees

, | Bozeman, MT, USA | Uncategorized

(A male customer comes into our lingerie store and wanders around, looking at the merchandise.)

Me: “Good morning, welcome to [lingerie store]. How can I assist you today?”

Male customer: “I need to get my wife a gift.”

Me: “Okay, what were you thinking of?”

Male customer: “Oh, you know, underwear or something.”

Me: “Okay, what type? Special occasion? Casual everyday?”

Male customer: “Definitely something special. It’s our anniversary.”

Me: “Do you know her sizes?”

Male customer: *moves towards me* “About your size…” *looks at my chest*

Me: “Okay, then…why don’t you show me what you’ve seen that you like?”

Male customer: “I like…you.” *leering*

Me: “I think you’ll like my manager then, too!” *run away to get my manager*

From Gills To Godly

| Nanuet, NY, USA | Uncategorized

Customer: *in a thick accent* “Hello, were you the girl I spoke to last night about my fish?”

Me: “No, I’m not, but I’d be happy to help you.”

(The customer whips out a Chinese food container holding a fish that is clearly on death’s doorstep.)

Customer: “My fish…she is dying. I need you to heal her. If she is healed, I want you to give her back to me.”

Me: “Well, sir, your fish honestly doesn’t look like it’s going to make it. I would be happy to replace your fish. Even though we will medicate your fish, I can’t guarantee she’ll survive.”

Customer: “No… I don’t want another fish. I want this fish. I want you to heal my fish. I have been praying for it. When you heal my fish you should pray for it as well. It will heal faster!”

Me: “Sir, I can’t say that I usually pray, but I will be sure to keep the fish in my thoughts.”

Customer: “No. You must pray.”

Me: “…sir, honestly, I don’t practice religion.”

Customer: “You must pray.”

Me: “…all right. I will pray for her, and I will make sure she gets the best care. Stop by later this week or call in and ask for me. I will be happy to give you an update, just please keep in mind that I don’t think your fish will survive.”

Customer: “You must heal my fish. I will call you to see how she is. I am certain she will survive.”

(It soon became clear that I should have prayed sooner, because the fish died ten minutes after the customer walked out the door.)