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    Paging Dr. Cold Cut

    | Laramie, WY, USA |

    Me: “Would you like chips or a drink with your sandwich?”

    Customer: *surprised* “What?!”

    Me: “Would you like chips or a drink?”

    Customer: *shocked* “What did you say?”

    Me: *slowly* “I asked if you would like to have chips or a drink with your sandwich.”

    Customer: “OOOOOOH! I thought you asked if I would like to have surgery with my sub!”

    Fifi Feels The Sting Of Government Bailouts

    , | Florida, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [bank]. This is ****, how may I help you?”

    Customer: “I just went to the drive-thru at the bank’s **** location, and they were very rude!”

    Me: “I’m so sorry. Please explain what happened.”

    Customer: “I go there every day, and they always give my dog a doggy biscuit. Today they didn’t give him a biscuit!”

    Me: “I’m sorry. What else happened?”

    Customer: “Well…that’s it, but I always have my dog with me and they always give him a treat. They told me they’re not doing that anymore!”

    Me: “It’s not a requirement for the bank branches to give treats to customers’ pets.”

    Customer: “I’m going to close my account if they don’t start giving out treats again!”

    Me: “That is your decision to make. But again, it is not a requirement for a bank branch to give your dog treats.”

    Customer: “This is ridiculous!” *click*

    Two For The Price Of Dumb

    | Grand Junction, CO, USA |

    Customer: “I saw this same cord at [competitor] for $15. Why is it $20 here?”

    Me: “I don’t know, maybe they’re having a sale? I don’t set the prices.”

    Customer: “Well, will you price match?”

    Me: “If you can provide documentation, sure, I’ll do it.”

    Customer: “So if I bring in the receipt that shows $15 at [competitor], I can get it here for $15?”

    Me: “…so you want to go to [competitor], buy it for $15, and then come here to buy it again so that we can match their price?”

    Customer: “Yes. Will you match that?”

    Me: “Sure, why not?”

    Fighting Fake With Fake

    | Boulder, CO, USA |

    (A customer walks into the gas station and picks up a plastic 21 oz. bottle of water.)

    Me: “Will that be all for you today?”

    (The customer then holds it like he wants to hit me with it.)

    Customer: “Give me all your money! This is a stickup!”

    Me: “You’re trying to hold me up with a bottle of water?!”

    Customer: “GIVE IT!”

    (I pretend to press the silent alarm.)

    Customer: “S***! The cops!” *runs off, dropping the bottle of water on his way out*

    Open Sesame (Bun)

    | Omaha, NE, USA |

    (I’m collecting carts from the parking lot. A woman abandons her cart near her car, so I go to pick it up. Note that she’s also munching on some bread.)

    Customer: “Oh! I think I locked my keys in the car.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. Please feel free to come inside and use the phone to call a locksmith or someone that can bring you another key.”

    Customer: “Look! The window is open just a little.”

    Me: “Unfortunately, I can’t help you get into the vehicle unless you are able to prove that it’s yours. I’d recommend calling a locksmith because that opening seems too small.”

    Customer: *ignores me* “Maybe if I can just get something in?”

    (The woman rips a piece of bread off the loaf she is eating and stuffs it in through the car window.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t know how that is going to help.”

    Customer: “I thought…maybe if I could just get something in there?”

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