Category: Uncategorized

Fighting Fake With Fake

| Boulder, CO, USA | Uncategorized

(A customer walks into the gas station and picks up a plastic 21 oz. bottle of water.)

Me: “Will that be all for you today?”

(The customer then holds it like he wants to hit me with it.)

Customer: “Give me all your money! This is a stickup!”

Me: “You’re trying to hold me up with a bottle of water?!”

Customer: “GIVE IT!”

(I pretend to press the silent alarm.)

Customer: “S***! The cops!” *runs off, dropping the bottle of water on his way out*

Open Sesame (Bun)

| Omaha, NE, USA | Uncategorized

(I’m collecting carts from the parking lot. A woman abandons her cart near her car, so I go to pick it up. Note that she’s also munching on some bread.)

Customer: “Oh! I think I locked my keys in the car.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. Please feel free to come inside and use the phone to call a locksmith or someone that can bring you another key.”

Customer: “Look! The window is open just a little.”

Me: “Unfortunately, I can’t help you get into the vehicle unless you are able to prove that it’s yours. I’d recommend calling a locksmith because that opening seems too small.”

Customer: *ignores me* “Maybe if I can just get something in?”

(The woman rips a piece of bread off the loaf she is eating and stuffs it in through the car window.)

Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t know how that is going to help.”

Customer: “I thought…maybe if I could just get something in there?”

Stop The Presses

| Wroclaw, Poland | Uncategorized

(I was working on the theater’s ticket-selling system. It printed every ticket using a thermal printer, on paper that gets black in spots where it is heated. A customer comes in with a completely black ticket.)

Customer: “I want this ticket replaced! What kind of tickets do you sell?! I can’t see anything on it!”

Me: “I’m sure we didn’t give you this ticket in this poor state. What happened to it?”

Customer: “It got all bent in my purse and looked ugly, so I ironed it.”

Me: “But ma’am, this ticket is printed on a thermal paper. It gets black when heated, so–”

Customer: “You should’ve warned me that I can’t iron the ticket!”

Once You Go Front-Load, You Never Go Back

| Ithaca, NY, USA | Uncategorized

(I sell home appliances at a national store chain. I’m talking to a married couple interested in a washer and dryer.)

Me: “So this is one of our top-rated washers in terms of reliability, price, and capacity.”

Wife: “Does it come in other colors?”

Me: “Yes. You’ll notice on the sign here, there’s a listing of the colors available and the price difference, if any. So, for instance, this machine also comes in another color.”

Husband: “I bet that machine has a much bigger capacity.”

Wife: “Ugh, why is it always about sex with you?”

Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

He’s Ho-Ho-Home For the Holidays

| Chillicothe, OH, USA | Uncategorized

(A customer comes up to us shortly after our mall Santa has finished for the season.)

Customer #1: “Hey, is Santa here?”

Me: “No, yesterday was his last day.”

Customer #1: “When will he be back?”

Me: “I think he’s done for the season.”

Customer #1: “Well, do you know where he is?”

Me: “Um…the North Pole?”

Customer #2: “Hahaha!”

Customer #1: “…okay, I walked in to that one.”

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