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    Party Priorities

    | Detroit, MI, USA |

    (I am setting birthday invitations for a customer’s mother’s 90th birthday.)

    Customer: “Well, it looks great, except for one thing…”

    Me: “Well, all right. Just tell me the problem and I can fix it.”

    Customer: *pointing to the location and address on the invite* “Can we remove this? There’s too much information, it looks really cluttered.”

    Me: “…you want to remove the location from the invitation?”

    Customer: “Yes! It looks like too many words; I certainly wouldn’t read all that.” *points to RSVP information* “Actually, take that off too.”

    Me: “How are people going to know where to go, or how to let you know they’ll be there?”

    Customer: “Oh, I’m sure they can figure it out!”

    Bad Combinations: Sharp Knives And Dull Minds

    | Ontario, Canada |

    Customer: “I’d like to return these knives.”

    Me: “Okay, was there anything wrong with them at all?”

    Customer: “Well, they were very sharp and my wife cut herself.”

    Me: “Sir, knives are usually sharp. Unfortunately, because you’ve used them there is nothing I can do.”

    Customer: “But they were extremely sharp! We were hoping to find a set that wasn’t so…sharp?”

    Me: “So you’re looking for a set of dull knives?”

    Customer: “Yes, do you have any that are more dull than this?”

    Me: “No…have a nice day!”

    Why Indoor Drive-Ins Never Took Off

    | Michigan, USA |

    (Two older teenagers come up to my booth to buy tickets.)

    Me: “What can I do for you guys today?”

    Customer 1: “One for ‘Up’.”

    Me: “That’ll be $6.50.”

    Customer 2: “Same for me.”

    Me: “Sure, $6.50.”

    Customer 1: “Those school buses parked outside, they’re not seeing this movie, are they?”

    Me: “No, sir. They’re on a school field trip to see Night at the Museum 2.”

    Customer 2: “I don’t think they have seats big enough, anyways.”

    Customer 1: “Big enough for what?”

    Customer 2: “School buses.”

    Desperate Times Call For Half-Hearted Measures

    , | Canada |

    Me: “Three items? Here’s your fitting room, let me know if you need a hand.”

    (The customer goes in, stands there for five minutes and searches the fitting room.)

    Customer: “There’s no mirror.”

    Me: “Nope, but as you can see there’s a mirror right outside.”

    Customer: “That won’t do. Can I have the handicap room, please?” (The handicap room is a larger room with a bench and mirrors.)

    Me: “I’m sorry…that’s reserved for customers with wheelchairs and strollers.”

    Customer: “But I want it.”

    Me: “Sorry, it’s a store policy…obviously someone with a stroller or a wheelchair can’t fit in a normal fitting room, so we have to keep that one free.”

    (The customer lifts one arm, laden with jeans and shopping bags. She waves it around, and points to it with her other arm.)

    Customer: “…but, my arm is broken!”

    The Geese Will Never Know What Hit ‘Em

    | Chicago, IL, USA |

    (At our gardens, we use dogs to chase geese away from delicate areas. I encounter two elderly patrons who are clearly unhappy.)

    Patron #1: “I think it’s disgusting that they allow dogs here.”

    Me: “Don’t worry, ma’am, the dog is an employee. He has a name tag and a paycheck.”

    Patron #2: “Then why don’t the employees chase the geese away?”

    Me: “That’s because the geese are meaner than we are. If you think you can do a better job, feel free to!”

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