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    Put A Cork In It

    | Newcastle, England, UK |

    (A customer has just ordered a large glass of wine. She returns to me at the bar having drunk a good two-thirds of the glass.)

    Me: “Hello, madam, is there a problem?”

    Customer: “This wine is corked.”

    Me: “Excuse me, madam?”

    Customer: *points to glass* “This wine is corked. See?”

    (I look at the glass and there is a small white object in her drink. I take the glass from her and see that its actually a piece of beer mat.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, madam, but this wine isn’t corked. ‘Corking’ is a term used when the structure of the cork, on a molecular level, has allowed oxygen into the wine bottle before it has been opened and turned it sour or unpleasant. This glass has just got a piece of cork in it. In all honesty, madam, that just looks like a small piece of beer mat, not cork. Are you wanting to make a complaint?”

    Customer: “That’s what I meant. The wine is a bit sour. It’s not very nice. It must have gone off, like you said, because the cork has let some air into it.”

    Me: “Would you like to point out which wine you purchased madam?”

    Customer: *points to bottle* “That one.”

    Me: “Are you sure, madam?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “That brand of wine is a screw-top, madam.”

    (The customer just stands there for a few seconds, then turns around and returns to her table. Five minutes later, her and her partner leave.)

    A Bounty Of Advice Puts A Bounce In Your Step

    | Illinois, USA |

    (An elderly male customer comes up to me at work and shows me his shopping list.)

    Customer: “Do you carry these dryer sheets?”

    (He shows me the list, which reads “Bounty sheets.”)

    Me: “Sir, Bounty doesn’t make dryer sheets. I think you mean Bounce.”

    Customer: “My wife wrote it.”

    Me: “Well, I’m sure she just made a mistake.” *I show him our selection of dryer sheets* “As you can see, we don’t carry Bounty. I’m sure she meant Bounce.”

    Customer: “Do you think another store would have them?”

    Me: “No, sir, I promise you it would be a wasted trip. Bounty doesn’t make dryer sheets. They only do paper towels and napkins. My best guess is that your wife meant Bounce.”

    Customer: “Okay, but if she yells at me, I’m blaming you.”

    Me: *laughing* “Go right ahead.”

    (The customer buys Bounce. I see him a week later.)

    Customer: “You were right about the dryer sheets! Thanks for making me look smart!”

    (I made a new best friend that day!)

    Rated I For Immature

    | Poughkeepsie, NY, USA |

    (I’m working the Black Friday shift from 11:30 PM to 8:15 AM. A customer hands me Call of Duty Modern Warfare 3. It has an M rating, so I ask to see her ID.)

    Customer: “What, I don’t look 17?”

    Me: “It’s not that, ma’am. I can’t continue ringing you out until I have a valid ID to scan. It’s the law.”

    Customer: “Oh my God! Can’t you just say I have the ID?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I need to scan it. I can’t get past this screen until I do.”

    Customer: “Well, figure it out! My ID is in my wallet, which is out in the car. I’m not going back out to get it!”

    (I try a few other methods, but it still won’t let me get past the screen. I explain this to the customer. She’s made such a ruckus that other customers are starting to take notice.)

    Customer: “Then take it off! I don’t want to buy it! This is f***ing ridiculous. I want to talk to your manager!”

    (I call my manager over.)

    Manager: “She’s following what she was trained for, ma’am. I can overwrite the screen, but please don’t harass our employees for doing their job. It makes HER look like the mature adult here. And, next time, remember your wallet and ID, so you don’t look like the dumb one at the register!”

    Customer: *huffs, pays for her things, and walks out*

    Can’t Get A Number In Edgewise

    | Sioux Falls, SD, USA |

    Me: “…Okay, well, if you need anything else, you can call us back. Would you like the number?”

    Caller: “Yes.”

    Me: “Okay. Are you ready?”

    Caller: “Yes.”

    Me: “Wonderful. It’s 1—”

    Caller: “What’s the number?”

    Me: “It’s 1-8—”

    Caller: “What’s the number?”

    Me: “It’s 1—”

    Caller: “1, yes, you said that! Hello?! What is the rest?! What is with this service?!”

    Worst Of Luck To You

    | Colorado, USA |

    (I’ve just rung up a customer’s order and am handing her bingo cards.)

    Me: “Good luck!”

    Customer: *slaps my hand with her bingo cards* “Oh, h*** no! I don’t believe in good luck!”

    Me: “Okay, then… bad luck?”

    Customer: “Now that’s more like it!”


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