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    Category: Transportation

    Let The Cat Out Of The Bag

    | NC, USA | Bizarre, Pets & Animals, Theme Of The Month, Transportation

    (I work for moving truck company. When your truck breaks down, you call me.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [Truck Company] Emergency Road Service. My name is [My Name]. May I have your first and last name?”

    Customer: “LOOK HERE, B****! YOU DON’T NEED MY NAME! MY TRUCK IS ON FIRE AND I’VE GOT 8,000 PARAKEETS IN THE BACK OF IT!”

    Me: “I understand, sir. I suggest you hang up and call 911 and give them your location. If you’re on the highway they can usually find you by your nearest mile-marker or exit—”

    Customer: “YOU NEED TO SEND SOMEONE OUT HERE NOW! YOU’RE RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS F****** PIECE OF S***! I’M NOT GOING TO CALL ANYBODY!”

    Me: “Sir, your animals’ lives are in danger and yours might be, too. Please disconnect this call and phone the fire department.”

    Customer: “IT DON’T MATTER! THEY’RE ALL ALREADY DEAD AND I’M OUT OF THE D*** TRUCK! THEY WERE FOR STUFFING!”

    Me: “Sir, are you telling me that you have thousands of dead parakeets for taxidermy in the back of your truck and that you’re still not going to call the emergency line to get the fire department to come put our truck out? Sir, are you aware that our policy dictates that you may not have animals in our vehicles, dead or alive?”

    Customer: “I DON’T GIVE A F*** WHAT YOUR POLICY DICTATES! I WAS GOING TO MAKE THOUSANDS OFF THOSE BIRDS AND NOW YOU’RE GOING TO PAY ME FOR THEM BECAUSE YOUR TRUCK BURST INTO FLAMES!”

    (I just hit the insurance line without a word, and went on break. My poor supervisor pinged me when I got back, laughing himself sick.)

    Not In Good (Insurance) Company

    | Perth, WA, Australia | Extra Stupid, Transportation

    (I work on the front desk at a repair shop. A client calls us back; they called earlier and spoke with someone else.)

    Client: “I need you to tell me who my insurance is.”

    Me: “…Pardon?”

    Client: “I called before and you told me that I needed to find out who insured my car, so tell me who insures my car!”

    Me: “Er, sorry, I wouldn’t know that. You need to know who your insurance is with.”

    Client: “Well, I don’t know who my insurance is! Find out for me!”

    Me: “I can’t do that. There’s more than two dozen insurance companies in the immediate area alone. Do you have any documents about your insurance? An insurance policy? An invoice?”

    Client: “This is bullshit! I pay $1000 a month to be insured, and you don’t even know who it is?”

    Me: “Sorry, sir, but we aren’t your insurance company. We fix cars. We don’t know who your insurance company is.”

    Client: “WHY NOT?!”

    Me: “Because we aren’t your insurance company, we haven’t ensured your car, and you have never dealt with us before. There is no way for us to know where your car is insured.”

    Client: “When I bought this car, I spent a lot of money on getting this protection pack and I was promised [Insurance Company]‘s extended protection and—”

    Me: “Excuse me—”

    Client: “I’m not finished!”

    (Cue a five minute long rant about how he spent so much money on his car, during which he mentions the insurance company’s name no less than four times.)

    Me: “Excuse me, sir. But did you say that you have [Insurance Company]‘s protection?

    Client: “YES!”

    Me: “So, you mean [Insurance Company] is your insurance company?”

    Client: “How should I know?!”

    Me: “Okay, well, if you have [Insurance Company]‘s cover, then that is your insurance company.”

    Client: “God, was that so f***ing hard?!”

    That Reasoning Doesn’t Fly

    | Boston, MA, USA | At The Checkout, Food & Drink, Tourists/Travel, Transportation

    (I work in a duty free shop and a customer wanting to buy a bottle of cognac comes to my register. All is well until I ask for his boarding pass.)

    Me: “All right, sir, may I see your boarding pass?”

    Customer #1: “No.”

    Me: “Then you can’t buy this cognac.”

    Customer #1: “Why not?”

    Me: “Alcohol is a customs bonded item, and as such can only be bought by people leaving the country directly from this point. I need to see your boarding pass so I can make sure you are doing so.”

    Customer #1: “But I am French.”

    Me: “That does not mean you are leaving the country.”

    Customer #1: “But this is an international airport.”

    Me: “Domestic flights go out of this airport regularly.”

    Customer #1: “Well, I won’t show you my boarding pass.”

    Me: “Than you can’t buy the cognac.”

    Customer #1: “But I want to.”

    Me: “Then I need to see your boarding pass.”

    Customer #1: “NO!”

    (This goes on for five minutes and the customer leaves in a huff without his cognac. The lady behind him comes up toting a five pound bag of pretzel M&Ms, which, like all candy, is not bonded.)

    Customer #2: “Um, I’m on a domestic flight to Phoenix. Can I buy these M&Ms?”

    Me: “Sure. Candy isn’t bonded.”

    Customer #2: “Okay.” *looks at the cognac* “After that last guy you might need some of that yourself.”

    Doesn’t Get The Mechanics Of A Wrong Number

    | UK | Crazy Requests, Extra Stupid, Transportation

    (I’m a school science technician. I’ve never worked with cars. I am definitely not a mechanic. I answer my personal mobile phone.)

    Me: “Hello?”

    Caller: “Hello. I’d like to book a road-worthiness test.”

    Me: “Oh, sorry, you’ve got the wrong number. This happens to me quite frequently. I must have a similar number to a garage.”

    Caller: “Oh. Well, you know, I’ve got a whole fleet of vehicles that need testing.”

    Me: “I’m afraid that doesn’t change the fact I am not a garage. I’m sorry.”

    Caller: “Oh.”

    (Extended silence.)

    Caller: “But I have lots of vehicles that need testing.”

    Me: “I’m still not a mechanic. Sorry. Good luck.”

    (I hung up, hoping he wouldn’t call back. He didn’t, luckily!)

    Putting You In The Hot Seat

    | Paris, France | Crazy Requests, Transportation

    (I am on the bus home when a middle-aged woman gets on. The bus is far from empty, but there are several free seats left. Nonetheless, she approaches a teenage girl sitting down towards the front.)

    Lady: “I need that seat.”

    Girl: *in halting, heavily-accented French* “I’m sorry, I don’t…”

    Lady: “I NEED that seat. I need it now. I have a pass. I need it.”

    Girl: “I… there are other…”

    Lady: “BUT I NEED THAT SEAT.”

    (The girl apparently gave up, and decided to move to one of the free seats nearby. The woman sat her bag down on the vacated seat and proceeded to stand next to it with a faint air of triumph for the rest of her journey – all of three stops down the road.)

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