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    Category: Tourists/Travel

    The Land Of The Free From Thought

    | London | Food & Drink, Tourists/Travel

    (I work in a cafe popular with tourists. During one afternoon I see an American man lighting a cigarette. We have a smoking ban in the UK that bans smoking in all public places.)

    Me: “Excuse me sir, but I’m afraid you’ll have to smoke that cigarette outside.”

    Customer: “Why?”

    (I explain the smoking ban to him.)

    Customer: “That’s bulls***! That’s a breach of the First Amendment!”

    Me: “Sir, I have no idea what that is, though I think it’s something to do with free speech.”

    Customer: *shocked* “How can you not know the First Amendment? It’s the law!”

    Me: “It’s your law, judging by your accent. We have a completely different set of laws.”

    Customer: “England has its own laws?”

    Thick Accents, Thicker Heads

    | New Zealand | Books & Reading, Movies & TV, Tourists/Travel

    (A teenage girl enters the library.)

    Me: “Hi, do you need help?”

    Customer: “Oh, yeah, I’m looking for a book.”

    Me: “Okay. Are you a member of this library or any other Wellington library?”

    Customer: “Oh, no. I’m here with my mother for the US summer ’cause I live with Dad in Florida.”

    Me: “We can sign you up to the library for free and issue you a card. The card will cost two dollars.”

    Customer: “Okay.”

    Me: “So, what book were you looking for?”

    Customer: “Twilight. Have you heard of it? Most people in America have read it, but I’m not sure if it’s here.”

    Me: “Oh, yeah. It was quite big for a while. My sister loved it.”

    Customer: “It’s my second favorite book ever, after Eclipse.”

    Me: “Oh, did you leave your copy in America?”

    Customer: “No, I just wanted a copy from here because everyone here has really funny accents  and I wanted to know how that would change the story.”

    Cross Examining Churches

    | Saint John, NB, Canada | Religion, Tourists/Travel

    (I don’t work in tourism though I must seem like a friendly person since I do get a lot of people stopping me to ask questions of where things are.)

    Tourist: “Are you familiar with the area? Do you live around here?”

    Me: “Yes I do, what can I help you with?”

    Tourist: “I’m looking for a cathedral in this area somewhere.”

    Me: “Okay, which one in particular? There’s about four around here.”

    Tourist: “I’m looking for a Catholic cathedral.”

    Me: “Okay, let me think…the Anglican church is that way, there’s one near by don’t know what it is, one over up the street a ways–”

    Tourist: “I don’t want no Anglican church! Bloody Anglican whores! I want Catholic!”

    Me: “I think it’s that one right over there.” *I point at the church*

    Tourist: “Yes, that’s a cathedral. It had better not be Anglican or I’ll hunt you down!”

    What’s Red Or Blue And Dumb All Over

    | Alaska, USA | Tourists/Travel

    (I work for a cruise line. We ported in a small town where we were too big for the local harbor, so we had to tender the passengers ashore in smaller boats. The passengers are lining up to be issued a tender ticket so they could go ashore. The tickets just happen to be red or blue, but the colors don’t mean anything.)

    Passenger: “What’s the difference between the red tickets and the blue tickets?”

    Me: *joking* “Well the red tickets operate as a life preserver in case of an emergency, the blue tickets will turn to stone and take you straight to the bottom. You’ll have to decide among yourselves who gets what.”

    (The entire line behind the passenger bursts into hysterical laughter, I’m having difficulty holding a straight face, but the original passenger is staring at me completely horror-stricken.)

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m joking…there’s no difference.”

    Passenger: “Are… are you sure?!”

    You’ll Have To Connect At Baked Alaska

    | London, UK | Funny Names, Tourists/Travel

    Me: “Hi, would you like to buy a ticket?”

    Customer: “Yes, when is your next flight to Oregano?”

    Me: “Oregano?”

    Customer: “Yeah, it’s in America. I think it’s a state?”

    (On my computer, I find the Wikipedia page for Oregano.)

    Customer: “Oh…I’m not dumb, I swear…”

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