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    Category: Tourists/Travel

    That’s What You Get For Choo-Choo-ing Me Out

    | Coventry, UK | Top, Tourists/Travel

    (I work as a maintenance man for the top railway maintenance company in the UK. I’m maintaining buttons on the station platforms—important buttons that station staff use to let the signalman know the train is boarded and ready to leave. I must also add that to test these buttons, we need a train to be present.)

    Customer: “Excuse me lad, can you tell me when the next train to Euston is, please?”

    Me: *looking up at information boards* “I can see that it is due any minute now. Should you need any more help, you can just refer to the digital screens above you.”

    Customer: “Don’t lie to me!”

    Me: “E-Excuse me?”

    Customer: “I checked on my phone half hour ago, and it said the train was due at 22 minutes past. It is now half past.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. Usually, the station staff can tell you why the delay has been caused, but I can tell from the screen…” *points* “…that it is expected in a couple of minutes. Unfortunately, I can’t tell you any more, as I’m just here to make the trains safe to run.”

    Customer: “F***ing typical! Won’t help no c***!”

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Customer: “You railwaymen are all the f***ing same! Whenever I see you ‘working,’ you are just standing about!”

    Me: “I assure you, sir, we work very hard, but currently we are waiting for a train so we can test the station’s communication with the signalman. Without a train, the button panel won’t communicate with him.”

    Customer: “Bull****!”

    Me: “Well, I—”

    Customer: “Whenever I pass you guys on the train, you are always standing at the side of the track, doing nothing! No wonder train fares increased because YOU b******s are leeching the system!”

    Me: “Are you talking about when the train is moving and you see men like us on the track?”

    Customer: “Yes!”

    Me: “Well, if we were maintaining things on the track…how are we meant to do that if a train is driving over it?”

    Customer: *turns red*

    (He runs off, mumbling, before catching a station attendant and ripping into him as well…and missing his train in the process.)

    In Need Of A Worldly EdUKation

    | Yellowstone, WY, USA | Language & Words, Top, Tourists/Travel

    (I’m English, and work at Yellowstone Park selling ice cream as a summer work experience abroad. Often, my accent catches people off guard, and I usually have to explain why I’m there. A customer comes up to pay.)

    Me: “Okay, that will be $2.95, please.”

    Customer: “Hey, where’s your accent from? Are you Australian?”

    Me: “Actually, I’m from England. I’m just working her for my summer between University.”

    Customer: “That’s cool! How long have you been in America?”

    Me: “Um, about two months.”

    Customer: “And is this your first time in America?”

    Me: “It is. I’m loving it!”

    Customer: “Wow! You speak really good English for only being here for two months!”

    Everything’s Backward In Texas

    | Texas, USA | Geography, Hotels & Lodging, Tourists/Travel

    Me: “Thank you for choosing [name of hotel]. How can I help you?”

    Caller: “Hi, this is going to be my first trip to Texas and I need to know a few things.”

    Me: “Of course, ma’am. How can I help you?”

    Caller: “Okay, you all have beds, right? Or do we sleep in hay?”

    Me: “Um, we have both full size and queen beds in our rooms.”

    Caller: “Okay, good! Now, what about air condition? I hear it’s hot in Texas.”

    Me: “All our rooms have air conditioners along with fans.”

    Caller: “Okay, good. Now what about ice? You do have ice in Texas, right?”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am, we do have ice.”

    Caller: “Great! You guys have finally caught up with the times. Thank you!” *hangs up*

    This Trip Is Not Going To Pan-ama Out

    | Texas, USA | Geography, Tourists/Travel

    Customer: “I’ve never taken a cruise before, but I really want to try one.”

    Me: “I’d be happy to help you plan your first cruise. Where would you like to visit?”

    Customer: “I’m thinking a short, roundtrip, tropical cruise, to either the Bahamas or the Caribbean.”

    Me: “Sounds great! We offer a wide variety of roundtrip Bahamas and Caribbean cruises. Which departure port do you have in mind?”

    Customer: “Vancouver.”

    Your Brain Runneth Over

    | Ontario, Canada | Extra Stupid, Tourists/Travel

    (I work on the Rideau Canal, a lock system first built just after the war of 1812. In addition to operating the locks, we sell passes and talk about the history and operation of the system. One particularly busy day, a tourist approaches me as we are filling the lock chamber.)

    Tourist: “So, where does all this water come from?”

    Me: “It flows down from Upper Rideau Lake, hence the name of the system.”

    Tourist: “So, it fills all the locks?”

    Me: “That’s right.”

    Tourist: “But what about when you run out?”

    Me: “…Excuse me?”

    Tourist: “Well, look at all that water! That has to be a thousand gallons in this basin alone. You could use up to a million in a day. That’s just wasteful, and the lake will eventually run out!”

    (At this point, 23 boats are waiting to go through, and I don’t have time to explain the water cycle, so I just say the first thing I thought up.)

    Me: “Actually, sir, we have giant buckets at both ends to catch all the water and put it back into the lake every night.”

    Tourist: “Oh, I see! That’s very good of you guys to think of the environment!” *wanders off happily*

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