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    Category: Tourists/Travel

    No Vocation For Location, Part 6

    | Israel | Extra Stupid, Geography, Themed Giveaway, Tourists/Travel

    (I am a South African, working at a hotel restaurant in Israel. The establishment has both servers and guests from all over the world. Generally people are interested in finding out where people are from and why they’re here. One day I am clearing a table for an American couple.)

    Me: “Shalom! I hope you enjoyed your meal. May I take your plates?”

    Husband: “Yes, please. It was great.”

    Wife: “Hey, you sound weird. Where are you from?”

    Me: “I’m from South Africa.”

    Wife: “Really?! South Africa… where is that?”

    Me: “Err…”

    Husband: *embarrassed* “Honey, it’s in Africa. If you look at a map, it’s right down at the bottom.”

    Wife: “Oh…” *blank look* “Oh! Kangaroos, right?”

    Husband: “Err…” *looks at me apologetically*

    Me: *just smiles* “I hope you enjoy the rest of your stay!”

    Related:
    No Vocation For Location, Part 5
    No Vocation For Location, Part 4

    Visiting The 51st State

    | UK | Money, Themed Giveaway, Top, Tourists/Travel

    (I’m the cashier at a small grocery store. An American customer approaches my till with a pint of milk.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, can I get this milk cheaper? It’s cheaper in America.”

    Me: “Uhh, sorry. We can’t change the prices for something like that.”

    Customer: “Why not? I’m not paying that much for milk. Everything is way too expensive over here!”

    Me: “If we changed the prices for everyone simply because they thought it would be too expensive, then we’d probably not stay in business very long!”

    Customer: *sighs* “FINE.”

    (She slams the milk jug down on the till, and I finish the transaction.)

    Me: “Okay, that’s £1.89 please.”

    (The customer sighs dramatically again, and hands me a $10 bill. I stare at it.)

    Customer: “What?”

    (I am thinking she hasn’t realized what she’s given to me. By this point there are a few customers queuing at my checkout.)

    Me: “It’s one pound, and 89 pence.”

    Customer: “So?”

    Me: “We can’t accept dollars here.”

    Customer: “WHY NOT?”

    Me: “We don’t accept foreign currency. Just pounds.”

    Customer: “I’M NOT FOREIGN; I’M AMERICAN! THIS IS A DISGRACE!”

    (She ends up leaving the milk, and storming out of the store. Half of the customers in my line can’t help but laugh out loud after she leaves.)

    A Welsh of Knowledge, Part 2

    | Wales, UK | Geography, Themed Giveaway, Tourists/Travel

    Tourist: “Oh, nice! This is a bona fide English castle!”

    Me: “Actually, sir, it’s not. Wales is not part of England.”

    Tourist: “What? Oh, come on! You both drive on the wrong side of the road; it’s the same! Your capital is London.”

    Me: “Er, no, sir. It’s Cardiff.”

    Tourist: “Well, but Wales is just a state of England, like Philadelphia in the States.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but England doesn’t have states; it has counties, and Wales is not one of them. We have our own counties. Moreover sir, Philadelphia is a city, not a state.”

    Tourist: “Don’t embarrass yourself, kid. You don’t even know about England even though you’re English, so please don’t bring up America; leave it to us.”

    Me: “No, sir, I’m not English. I’m Welsh; not quite the same. And Philadelphia is still not a state anyway.”

    Tourist: “I’m American! I know what I’m talking about!”

    (One of the tourists friends comes over.)

    Tourist’s Friend: “I’m sorry for his behavior; you must think all ‘Yanks’ are ignorant.”

    Me: “No, not at all. Most ‘Yanks’ that come here are actually very polite and knowledgeable, and they really like Wales.”

    Tourist: “You mean England!”

    A Welsh Of Knowledge

    There Is A Meth To This Madness

    , | Albuquerque, NM, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Movies & TV, Themed Giveaway, Top, Tourists/Travel

    (I live in New Mexico, a state now made famous for ‘Breaking Bad.’ I receive a lot of calls from tourists wanting to see the places where ‘Breaking Bad’ was filmed.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [business name]. My name is [name]; how can I help you?”

    Tourist: “Yes, I’d like to find out where Walter White lives.”

    Me: “Uh, who?”

    Tourist: “Gosh are all you people here stupid? Walter White, the guy who sells meth!”

    Me: “Oh, that Walter White. Well, sir, I don’t think you know this but, that’s actually just a TV show. He doesn’t live here.”

    Tourist: “NO, YOU’RE LYING! I HEARD FROM A FRIEND THAT IF I COULD MEET HIM, I COULD GET SOME GOOD METH!”

    Me: “Okay, sir, well I’m sorry I couldn’t help you. Have a nice day.”

    (I hang up, but the tourist calls back within 10 seconds.)

    Tourist: “You can’t lie to me; I know you know where he lives! I know you want the good stuff all for yourself.”

    Me: “Sir, it’s a TV show; it’s not real. I’m sorry; I don’t know where you can find any drugs, but if you have a problem I can get you a phone number of a company that can help you out.”

    Tourist: “NO! I JUST WANT WALTER WHITE’S NUMBER OR ADDRESS! I WANT TO MEET AND TALK WITH HIM!”

    Me: “Sir, he’s not real!”

    Tourist: “WELL, WHERE DO YOU WORK?! BECAUSE IF HE’S NOT REAL, THEN YOU’RE NOT REAL! AND IF YOU’RE NOT REAL, THEN I GUESS NOTHING IS REAL IN THIS STATE!”

    (I go ahead and get my manager and ask him what I should do.)

    Tourist: “IS ANYBODY STILL THERE!? WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO GET SERVICE HERE?!”

    Manager: “Sorry about that, sir; I can help you. Sir, you have proven to me that you deserve to come in contact with Mr. White. Here’s his phone number and address.”

    (My manager gives the tourist the police precinct phone number and address.)

    Manager: “Drive here, and wait outside before giving him a call. Make sure to give him a detailed description of what you want, and what you are driving and wearing.”

    Don’t Have Beef With Hinduism

    , | Kanpur, India | Food & Drink, Religion, Themed Giveaway, Top, Tourists/Travel

    (I’m on a trip to India, and decide to eat at a local McDonald’s. In front of me is a pair of American tourists.)

    Tourist #1: *in very bad Hindi* “Yes, I want a Big Mac.”

    Cashier: “Sir, I understand English, if you would be more comfortable. So you want a Chicken Maharaja Mac?”

    Tourist #2: “I thought you said you knew English? A Big Mac doesn’t have chicken, dumb-a**!”

    (Hoping to speed this along, I decide to get involved.)

    Me: “None of the McDonald’s in India offer beef. The local version of the Big Mac is made using grilled chicken patties instead. It’s actually pretty good.”

    Tourist #1: “Man, who the h*** doesn’t eat beef?”

    Me: “About one billion Hindus, most of them in India.”

    (They both quietly place their orders, all the time mumbling about ‘pandering to locals.’)


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