(I work at a small kiosk in a mall. Due to the booth-like appearance and the lack of any walls, many shoppers like to ask me for directions to other businesses in the mall.)

Shopper: “Hey, where’s the post office?”

Me: “Right behind you; there is a camera store—”

Shopper: “No! I want the post office, not photos!”

Me: “Like I said, there’s a camera store behind y—”

Shopper: “Shut up about the d*** cameras! I need the nearest post office!”

Me: “And if you would just take an extra few seconds to listen to me, I would’ve been able to inform you that there is a postal service desk inside of the camera store.”

Shopper: “Hey, it’s not my fault you weren’t being clear! Also, that’s no way to talk to a paying customer!”

Me: “With all due respect, ma’am; you haven’t bought anything from me. You’re not a paying customer. Secondly, I am running a business here, not an information booth. I personally think you are a greater target for criticism; you’re lucky I went lightly. Now, unless you plan on buying something; please let me do my real job.”

Customer: “A**-hole!”

(A customer in his early 20′s is ranting at the front of the bookstore. He’s speaking as if he’s much older than he is. His rant is about kids nowadays not reading as much. There are no other customers, so it’s policy to let him vent. I smile politely to everything he’s saying, since he’s not being a bother.)

Male Customer: “…they just don’t understand the beauty of holding a book in their hands, smelling the pages and reading tales of epic proportion! Kids these days just want to stand around listening to crap music. No wonder they’re getting dumber.”

Me: “We get a few teenagers coming in the store, though.”

Male Customer: “I bet they’re just picking up crap like Twilight. They’d never read proper books.”

(A customer walks in as he’s saying this. I recognise her from a few days ago, when she ordered a book. She’s about 16, very blonde, and very clearly one of the popular girls.)

Female Customer: “Hi, I ordered a book. I just want to check if it has come in? It’s under [name].”

Male Customer: *mutters* “This is exactly what I was talking about.”

Female Customer: “Excuse me? What is that supposed to mean?”

Male Customer: “I was just saying that kids like you have no interest in reading. If you do, it’s all crap.”

Female Customer: “If I had no interest in reading, why would I be in a bookstore? And who cares what others think of a book, so long as you enjoy it? That’s all that matters, right?”

Male Customer: “Whatever, go on, pick up your crappy little Twilight.”

Female Customer: “For your information, I ordered John Green’s Looking for Alaska. I did not like Twilight at all.”

Male Customer: “Yeah, as if.”

Female Customer: “”War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ignorance is strength.” George Orwell, 1984. That last line is something you ought to think about before opening your rude mouth!”

Me: “She certainly knows her stuff.”

(I hand her the book she ordered, making sure the male customer sees the cover. She pays and walks away, but turns back around before she leaves.)

Female Customer: “So long, and thanks for all the fish!”

Me: “How may I help you, ma’am?”

Customer #1: “I’m picking up a script for [name].”

(I proceed to look it up. However, the system alerts me that we do not have anything ready.)

Me: “I don’t see that we have anything ready for you, ma’am.”

Customer #1: “What do you mean, you don’t have anything! They called two days ago!”

Me: “I apologize, ma’am. If a prescription sits on our shelf for too long, we have to put it back on our stock shelf.”

Customer #1: “It’s only been a week! That’s just stupid! Give me back my script! I’ll go to [rival store]! Only one week! Absurd!”

(I escort her to my co-worker, so that I may help the other customers in line.)

Customer #2: “Oh, honey, I think I may have done the same thing and waited too long; can you check?”

Me: “Certainly, sir.”

(I check, and indeed his was placed back to stock as well.)

Me: “Yes, sir, I’m afraid so.”

(Customer #2 speaks loud enough for everyone to hear.)

Customer #2: “Oh, shoot. IT’S PURELY MY FAULT FOR FORGETTING, EVEN AFTER Y’ALL WERE SO NICE TO CALL ME TWICE. Thank you, sugar; I’ll go talk to [co-worker].”

(An angry customer approaches me.)

Customer: “I purchased a pregnancy test from here, and it doesn’t work! I want my money back! I’ll never come here again! Stupid thing didn’t work!”

Me: “Okay… did you use it properly?”

Customer: “Do I look like an idiot?! I peed on a stick. Anyone can pee on a f****** stick!”

Me: “Did any type of line come up?”

Customer: “No, not a single line. Just a f****** number 30. How can I be 30% pregnant?”

Me: “Well, this is the first I’ve heard about this. Do you have the box with you so I can check if there have been any problems before?”

(The customer hands me the box. I stare at it and try not to laugh.)

Me: “Uh… you do realise that this is a thermometer, right?”

Customer: *runs out of the store*

(I’m working the register. A customer comes to the register with three ice creams.)

Me: “So, is this it for you today?”

Customer: “Yes, sir.”

Me: “Alright your total is $12.75.”

(The customer hands me a $20 bill. I hand him his change.)

Customer: “Where’s the rest of my change?”

Me: “I gave you your change already, sir.”

Customer: “No, you didn’t! I gave you a $100 bill. You’re shorting me $80!”

Me: “Sir, I can assure you that you paid with a $20 bill.”

Customer: “No you can’t, because I paid with a $100 bill! How can they let an incompetent dip-s*** like you handle money? This is a disgrace.”

Me: “Sir, the only disgrace here is you. For starters, company policy states that we can not accept bills larger than $50. If you did give me a $100 bill, I would refuse it and ask for a smaller bill. On top of all that, the $20 you gave me is still on the counter right next to the register.”

(The customer goes silent, and quietly exits the store. He has not been seen at our store since.)