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    He’s Telling A Shaggy Dog Story

    | Los Angeles, CA, USA | Health & Body, Liars & Scammers, Pets & Animals, Top

    (I work for a major attorney service firm. Our job is to go out to businesses (usually medical) to copy records. I am a ‘stop setter,’ meaning that I set the appointments for our field agents. One of the field agents comes dashing into the office, his clothing disheveled, and panting.)

    Me: “What happened?!”

    Field Agent: “You wouldn’t believe it! I went to serve Doctor [Name] with a subpoena for records. I went to his home in Malibu, drove up the hill, and parked. Just as I got out of my convertible to go serve him, four huge Dobermans came charging around the corner and tried to kill me! I ran back, jumped into my car, zoomed down the hill and back here!”

    Me: “Okay. I’ll call him.”

    (I do just that.)

    Me: “Dr. [Name]. This is [My Name] from [Copy Service]. Our field agent says he went to your home to serve a subpoena for the records on [legal case] and—”

    Doctor: “Listen to me you dirty little s***! That field agent is LYING! My gate’s closed. NOBODY can get in. He was never chased by any dogs because I don’t HAVE any! I’m not home, so he couldn’t have found me. Besides, the dogs were TIED UP! I can see them right now from my WINDOW!”

    Needs To Clean Up Her Act

    | AK, USA | Bad Behavior, Family & Kids, Liars & Scammers, Top

    (A girl of about 12 starts to examine a table of pajamas that I had just folded a few minutes ago. At first I’m afraid that she’ll make a mess of everything but she does her best at folding the stuff that she unfolded. Soon her friend comes and looks at the pajamas. However, unlike the other girl, she doesn’t fold the stuff again and just throws the stuff she looks at back on the table.)

    Girl #1: “I, um, think the employees would like it if you folded the stuff instead of, um, setting it back unfolded.”

    Girl #2: “It’s their job. They get paid to do it so it’s not my problem.”

    Girl #1: *nervously* “Oh, er, but—”

    Girl #2: “Drop it! It’s their job. They should be thankful I’m leaving these unfolded! It gives them a job so they can earn money!”

    ([Girl #2] proceeds to take a stack of pajamas and throw them onto the table, causing many to fall. I’m about to interject when [Girl #1] speaks.)

    Girl #1: “So? Let’s say you have to clean the living room everyday, and your parents pay you for it.”

    Girl #2: “But—”

    Girl #1: “Shut up and listen! Let’s say you got it SPOTLESS and perfectly clean. And then your brother and his friend play video games for hours in there, spilling their snacks and leaving empty soda cans and wrappers everywhere. You don’t get paid extra to clean up that mess! And it would make you upset that you have to redo all that work! That’s what the employees probably feel like!”

    Girl #2: “Whatever, b****.”

    ([Girl #2] leaves. [Girl #1] one proceeds to start cleaning up the mess.)

    Me: “Don’t worry. I’ve got it. Thanks, though.”

    Girl #1: “Sorry about her. She’s a jerk.”

    Me: “It’s not a problem. I’ve had to pick up messes that are worse than this many times before.”

    (Later, I see [Girl #2] talking to her dad.)

    Girl #2: “And then she called me a b**** and walked off.”

    Dad: “Really? That’s odd for her behavior. I should have known better than to let you guys shop alone.”

    (Just then [Girl #1] walks up.)

    Girl #1: “My mom will be here to pick me up, so you don’t need to give me a ride home Mr. [Last Name].”

    Dad: “Is it true you called [Girl #2] a rude name?”

    Girl #1: “What? No!”

    Girl #2: *in fake tears* “Yeah. She, she yelled yelled at me, and called me rude names besides b****!”

    Dad: “Stop saying that. Now, [Girl #1], I’m telling your mom and we’ll discuss this later.”

    Girl #1: “But, I didn’t…”

    ([Girl #2] is smirking at [Girl #1] between her fake sobs. I step in.)

    Me: “Sir, I actually witnessed the event.”

    (As I explain the event to the dad, [Girl #1], who is on the verge of tears because of how upset she is, starts to feel better now that she has someone backing her up. [Girl #2] stops faking her tears and stops smirking.)

    Dad: “Thanks.” *turns to [Girl #1]* “I’m terribly sorry.” *turns to [Girl #2]* “What’s gotten into you? You’re in deep trouble now!”

    (I had to go, but I was happy to know that the younger girl didn’t get in trouble!)

    Doesn’t Even Know Where To Start(er)

    | OH, USA | Extra Stupid, History, Top, Transportation

    (I work at an auto parts store in a small town in the Appalachian foothills. I am talking to an elderly customer.)

    Customer: “I need a starter for my 1990 Plymouth Acclaim.”

    Me: “Alright. There were two different starters used on that car. One was made by Bosch, and the other was made by Mitsubishi. Do you know which one your car has?”

    Customer: “No. I don’t. I’ll have to find out.”

    Me: “Well, it’s okay. They will both work interchangeably. Just be aware that they do look completely different from each other, The one I sell you might look different, but it will still fit and work fine. It looks like the Mitsubishi starter is less expensive, so I’ll grab that one for you. Okay?”

    Customer: “Now hold on a second. I don’t want no Mitsubishi anything! Don’t you know? Japan was against us in World War II!”

    Me: “Alright, sir. I’ll get you the German-made Bosch starter.”

    Customer: “Now, that’s better!”

    Went On A Jurassic Lark

    | Rapid City, SD, USA | Bad Behavior, Criminal/Illegal, Family & Kids, Top

    (I work at a geology museum. A woman and her son, who looks about five, walk in. The boy is entranced by the mammoths, dinosaurs, and marine reptile skeletons on display. The mother looks unimpressed, and is on the phone for most of her stay. Since the building is kept at a pleasant temperature, she drops her heavy coat off with me at the front desk. Later, I spot her heading for the exit.)

    Me: “I hope you had a good time at our museum. Did you have any questions before you go?”

    Mother: “I’m not interested in your stupid dinosaurs.”

    (She heads for the elevator, which is around a corner. I assume she has her child waiting there, since I can’t see him in the rest of the museum. Three hours later, I see her son wandering around the displays, looking lost. I rush over to him.)

    Me: “Hey, buddy. What are you doing here?”

    Son: *in the most heartbroken voice ever* “Have you seen mommy? I fell asleep.”

    Me: “I saw her a little while ago, bud. Why don’t you have a seat over here? Do you have your mom’s phone number, or a way to contact her?”

    (Fortunately, he has a list of emergency-contact numbers in a tiny wallet. I call the one labeled ‘Mom’ in blue crayon, after giving him some paper and colored pencils.)

    Mother: “Who is this?!”

    Me: “This is [My Name], from [Museum's Name]. We have—”

    Mother: “You d*** well better ship me my coat, you b****! That’s a $500 coat, and I’m already on the other side of the state!”

    Me: “You also left your son here, ma’am. And I don’t have a box in his size.”

    Mother: *after a brief pause* “You son of a b****! You should have told me I left my kid behind! It’s going to take me five f****** hours to get back there!”

    (I decided to end the call, and instead called the police department. The mother stormed in a little over four hours later, long after the museum is supposed to be closed. She had a nice long conversation with child-care services. Her son gave me a hug and thanked me for staying with him. I still have his drawing of a plesiosaur.)

    Working A Double

    | Stuart, FL, USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Funny Names, Technology, Top

    (I work as a sales associate for an electronics store in a mall. Another sales associate gets a new job and peacefully quits this job, leaving his name badge behind. A couple days later, just for fun, I put his name badge on and begin helping customers normally. My manager gets a chuckle out of this, but lets me continue. Over time, I forget I have the wrong name badge on. The next day, a customer comes in that I talked to the previous day. I approach her wearing my name badge.)

    Me: “Hello. Welcome to [Electronics Store]. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “I was talking with [Former Employee] yesterday and I would like to get more information on a product before I buy it. Is he in?”

    (I look over at my manager standing at the end of the counter. He is listening to the exchange and looks back at me with wide eyes. I give him a smile.)

    Me: “Sure! I’ll go get him.”

    (I go to the office. I put on the former employee’s name badge, then go back to the sales floor.)

    Me: “Welcome back, ma’am! How can I help you?”

    (The customer begins asking me questions about a product as if I was a different person. I try to keep a straight face while my manager, now hunched over the counter, is erupting in laughter. Eventually, I answer all the customer’s questions. She buys the product and leaves, not once realizing I am the same person.)


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