Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”

Customer: “I’m trying to install your program but it keeps quitting during the set up.”

Me: “Are you getting any error messages?”

Customer: “No, it just quits and I have to restart the installation.”

Me: “At what point does it quit?”

Customer: “Well, it’s on the screen where is says registration code. I hit cancel and then it quits.”

Me: “In order for the installation process to finish, you need to put in a registration code.”

Customer: “Can you give me one?”

Me: “For your program to work, you need to put in the code that comes with it.”

Customer: “Well, how do I find that?”

Me: “It would be on a slip of paper inside the box.”

Customer: “What box?”

Me: “The box that the CD came in.”

Customer: “I didn’t get a box. Could you just give me a code?”

Me: “When you bought the program it came in a box, did you lose the box?”

Customer: “Oh, I didn’t buy it, I got it from a friend. But I don’t think she bought it either. The CD looks like it was homemade.”

Me: “… homemade?”

Customer: “Yeah, the top of the CD has handwriting on it. It’s just like the music CDs she gives to me.”

Me: “I’m going to have to assume that the person who gave you this CD downloaded the program illegally. I can not provide you with a code to activate the software without a proper purchase.”

Customer: “So now I can’t use it?”

Me: “Not without purchasing it.”

Customer: “But I don’t want to pay for it, I just want to use it!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but it just won’t work that way.”

Customer: “Well, what good are you, you lousy b**ch?!” *click*

(Back story: our local government has banned Grand Theft Auto 4, but this was never publicly announced. I put up a sign that said in big letters “GTA IV IS BANNED AND IS NOT AVAILABLE FOR SALE”.)

Me: “Good evening, how can I help you?”

Customer: “I wanna buy Grand Theft Auto 4.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but that game is unavailable as it is banned in Dubai.”

Customer: “So… how much?”

Me: “It’s banned. You can’t buy it in the country.”

Customer: “Ahh, wait, I see the sign. Sorry, I didn’t notice it before…”

(He spends several minutes studying the sign intently.)

Customer: “Can you reserve a copy for me or what?”

Me: “Sir, you cannot buy it. If I even had a copy and sold it to you, it would be illegal… do you understand?”

Customer: “So, I can’t buy it?”

Me: “That’s correct.”

Customer: “Well, I think you’re keeping it for yourself!”

Another Customer: “Hey why don’t you just leave? The guy said you can’t buy one and the huge sign explains why you can’t.”

Customer: “Look f**ker! I just want the game so give it to me before I seriously hurt you!”

Me: “Just piss off, alright? I don’t have it and I wouldn’t sell it to a prick like you anyway. Now get out of my shop!”

(The other customers in line applaud and cheer.)

Customer: “Well gee, sorry… you don’t have to be so rude!” *walks out*

(My blood pressure is just returning to normal when the original customer suddenly runs in COMPLETELY NAKED. Before we can react he grabs a Guitar Hero 3 guitar that is on display and proceeds to HIT ME ON THE HEAD WITH IT. My customers in line jump him and we eventually subdue him. We call the police and he was never seen again. I lost 1000 dollars worth (about 3000 dirhams, our local currency) in broken merchandise.)

(A customer calls back to complain about an order of pizza that I, the manager, had made and she had just received.)

Me: “Hi ma’am, how can I help you today?”

Customer: “I am legally blind and my mother is looking at my pizza and saying the pepperoni, sausage and green pepper pizza is missing the sausage.”

Me: “So your pizza is missing the sausage?”

Customer: “Mom, it’s missing sausage right?”

Mother: “Well… no. It has plenty of sausage on it… but there is a slice with just pepperoni!”

Customer: “My mom says it has plenty of sausage on it, but there is a slice with just pepperoni.”

Me: “So a slice has nothing but pepperoni on it?”

Customer: “Mom, a slice only has pepperoni, right?”

Mother: “Well… no, it is evenly spread out… but there are mushrooms on this pizza!”

Customer: “My mom says it is evenly spread out, but there are mushrooms on this pizza.”

Me: “So there are mushrooms on the pizza?”

Customer: “Mom, there are mushrooms on that pizza, right?

Mother: “Well, no…”

Customer: *to me* “I’m sorry to have taken up your time…”

Customer: “I would like to get a portrait of my dog done.”

Me: “Okay, sure. I would love to do that for you.”

Customer: “Do you always do your portraits in black and white? Because I would like it in color.”

Me: “Sorry, no… I just work in pencil.”

Customer: “So you can’t do color?”

Me: “No, all my portraits are done in graphite pencil. I don’t paint or anything.”

Customer: “Aw, well I really wanted it in color, but oh well… I guess.”

(She then proceeds to hand me a picture of her pure white dog with a black nose.)

(I work for an internet billing company that mostly does work with porn sites.)

Me: “Thank you for calling *** Consumer Support. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, I got some charges on my card, and I wanna know what the heck’s goin’ on.”

Me: “No problem sir. If I can get the card number, I’ll be happy to help out.”

(He gives me his card, and I go through the process of looking it up and getting his info.)

Me: “Alright sir, it looks like I have a subscription here to pornking.com. Is that familiar?”

Customer: “Yeah, I know that. Hold on a sec. RANDY!!!”

(I hear him shouting at someone in the background, and then the sounds of someone getting the ever-loving crap beaten out of them.)

Customer: “Alright, I done took care of the charges. Can you cancel that for me?”

Me: “… sure. I’ve canceled it from further billing now for you.”

Customer: “Alright, you have a nice day.” *click*

(Note: I didn’t even work at this place. I was just looking at the games with my dad but I figured I’d help this lady out.)

Customer: “Hi, my son wants a Star Wars game. How much will that be?”

Me: “Well, there are lots of Star Wars games, because some are older than others. The older ones are more likely to be cheaper… sometimes the console changes the price as well.”

Customer: “Console?”

Me: “The thing you play it on.”

Customer: “Oh he’s got a Gamestation.”

Me: “Do you mean a Playstation or a Gamecube?”

Customer: “I don’t know, it’s black.”

Me: “Is it cube shaped?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Right so, it’s a Playstation 2. Did your son say which type of Star Wars game he wanted, or even the name?”

Customer: “No he just said Star Wars. A shooting one, I think.”

Me: “Most of them are shooting games…”

Customer: “Well, this is the one with the laser guns in it and the laser swords.”

Me: *cringing* “Laser guns and laser swords are what Star Wars is famous for.”

(My dad, who is behind me, starts laughing.)

Customer: “I’m not some Star Wars computer genius you know! This is only the 21st century. I don’t even know why you work here if you don’t know what I should buy!”

Me: “I don’t actually work here.”

Customer: “Well, why are you wearing the employee t-shirt?!”

(She points towards my Children of Bodom t-shirt.)

Me: “Good point, go and speak to my boss if you are unhappy about me working here.”

Customer: “I will, and you might get fired, so watch-out!”

(Late night in a very crowded restaurant, a lady cuts in front of me and stands in the well, blocking me from getting my drinks for my tables.)

Bartender: “Ma’am, you cant stand there. Please move over to the side and I will help you.”

Lady: “I just want to get some food to go.”

Bartender: “Ma’am, please move over to the side of the bar and I can help you.”

Lady: “Can I get some food to go?”

(At this point there are three servers who are now blocked from getting their drinks from the well.)

Bartender: “Ma’am, we only do take-out orders from 5:00-6:00, or an hour before closing.”

Lady: *blank stare*

Me: “Excuse me, may I squeeze by you? I have to get my drinks for my tables.”

Lady: *turns to me* “I want to order some food to go!”

Me: “We only do food to go from 5-6. Or an hour before closing.”

Lady: “What? I need to get some food to go!”

Bartender: “Lady! You need to move out of the service well! I can’t get you any food to go right now!”

Lady: “But… but… I need to order some food…”

Me: “Right. Food to go. But we dont do that right now.”

Lady: “Why not?”

Other blocked servers: “Are you f**king kidding me?”

Bartender: “Ma’am, if you will please just move to the side, I will ask if we can get you some food to go.”

Lady: “Thank you. I dont understand what’s wrong with you people!”

Me: “Ma’am, can you please scoot over? Please?”

Lady: “I’m not going anywhere until I get my food to go!”

Manager: “Is there a problem?”

Lady: “I’m trying to order food to go and your crappy staff won’t help me!

Manager: “Well, we don’t do food to go right now.”

Lady: “This is bulls**t! I’ll have your f**king job! I want my food to go NOW!”

Manager: “Why don’t you get the hell out of here right now before I call the police?”

(She stormed out and the entire bar started cheering and clapping.)

Customer: “I think it’s very rude for you to talk on your cellphone while you’re at work.”

Me: “No, ma’am, this isn’t a cellphone; it’s a headset. We use them to communicate with the other employees.”

Customer: “That’s VERY rude.”

Customer: “I bought a computer from you guys not 3 weeks ago, and my internet isn’t working.”

Me: “Well the computer itself seems to be operating perfectly…”

Customer: “It is NOT working perfectly. I cannot get on the internet. ”

Me: “I understand that; I just mean while the internet itself isn’t working, your computer is functioning properly.”

Customer: “My computer is worthless without internet.”

(Company policy is to direct her to her ISP for further assistance. So I try to get that info from her so I can give her a proper phone number.)

Customer: “Why don’t you just fix it?”

Me: “I’ve run out of things we can try.”

Customer: “What is the ISP going to do?”

Me: “They’ll walk you through a few things or at least tell you if there is an outage or other problems in your area.”

Customer: “I bought this computer from YOU and YOU should be the ones fixing it.”

Me: “It’s not the computer, it’s the internet. Unfortunately we’re not your internet provider. There’s really nothing more I can do for you.”

Customer: “How much do you charge for internet?”

Me: “We do not sell internet.”

Customer: “Than who do I buy my internet from?”

Me: “I don’t know. Verizon, perhaps?”

Customer: “I suppose I should order some internet.”

Me: “…you haven’t even signed up for it yet!?”

Customer: “I wanted to do it on the internet.”

Me: *head explodes*

(I was called by the cashier to help an elderly lady out to her car. As I was loading the trunk, she says…)

Elderly Customer: “How do you say it? Muchas gracious?”

Me: “Um, I’m not Hispanic.”

Elderly Customer: “Oh, really? Where are you from?”

Me: “I’m actually from Bangladesh.”

Elderly Customer: “Really? Is that near Mexico?”

Me: “No… it’s actually right next to India.”

Elderly Customer: “Oh, I see…”

(I finish loading her trunk.)

Elderly Customer: “Thanks and aaadios!”

Me: “…”