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  • A Caffeinated Christmas Miracle
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    Using The Lord’s Name Doesn’t Deliver

    | CA, USA | Hotels & Lodging, Religion, Top

    (A former guest calls on phone.)

    Guest: “Hello. My son’s basketball team stayed there yesterday and apparently my son left his sneakers and all of his clothes in the room.”

    Agent: “Ah, yes. I see a bag here the housekeepers dropped off. You will need to contact a next day mail service, have them send us a pre-paid shipping box, and we will have them sent to you.”

    Guest: “WHAT!? I HAVE TO PAY FOR THAT!? You should just sent them to me! Everywhere I’ve ever stayed at before sent things to me I that left behind! This is outrageous!”

    Agent: “I’m sorry, ma’am. This is our hotel’s policy.”

    (The guest slams down phone, but calls back five minutes later.)

    Guest: “I’m sorry I got so upset. You see, I am a Christian missionary on a charity mission and I have very little disposable funds. Please call your boss and kindly ask him to pay for the shipping and tell him to consider it an act of charity. Thankyougodblessyoujesuspleaseplease.”

    (I call the hotel owner, the most frugal man I have ever met and a devout Hindu.)

    Owner: “Call her back tell her we will be very happy to drop her son’s clothes off at a nearby homeless shelter and she and Jesus can feel very good about the clothes being given to people more needy than herself. A wonderful act of charity on her part.”

    (I tell the guest:)

    Guest: “I’ll send the box…”

    Calling At All Stations To The 19th Century

    | FL, USA | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior, Crazy Requests, Food & Drink, Religion, Top

    (I’m working in the deli section of my store part-time and studying computer science at a local university. Tomorrow I have an exam and it’s making it hard to concentrate at work, as the elderly woman I’m serving notices.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, young man. I said I wanted the smoked ham, not the honey ham.”

    Me: “Oh, I’m sorry about that. I’m just a little distracted. Smoked ham coming right up.”

    Customer: “You really should pay closer attention to your work.”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am. I just have an exam tomorrow and it’s a little hard to concentrate.”

    Customer: “You look a little old to still be in high school.”

    Me: “I’m not in high school. I’m studying computer science at [University].”

    Customer: “[University]? Oh, no, no, no. That won’t do at all.”

    Me: *stopping slicing* “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “Oh, honey, you need to leave that university right away. You’re not smart enough to go to college.”

    Me: “Uh…”

    Customer: “If you were, you wouldn’t be working here. Besides, God ordained you to be part of the servant class. The purpose of your life is to serve the good people, like me.”

    (My jaw is hanging open.)

    Customer: “You need to invest yourself totally in your work here. This is what people like you were meant for. You should never try to rise above your station. You’ll make God very angry.”

    Me: “…well. I’m just going to step away from my ‘station’ for a moment. [Coworker], could you give me a hand here? I really need to step out.”

    (I walked into the cooler, closed the door all the way, and didn’t come back until the customer had gone and I had calmed down.)

    Two Thumbs Up

    | Houston, TX, USA | Awesome Customers, Top

    (I have gone to the DMV to get a Texas driver’s license. They have an electronic fingerprinting machine that has a digital display to tell you what fingers go where and when. The woman helping me and I have the following conversation:)

    Employee: “Please put your four left fingers on the screen.”

    (I do so, and while she’s typing, the digital display changes to show me what fingers to use next. I move my fingers to mirror the display.)

    Employee: “But— what? Did you just change that on your own?”

    Me: “Yes? The pictures changed to the next step.”

    Employee: “But people never follow the directions. They never do it on their own.”

    (Then, after she takes my picture:)

    Employee: “Here, you can see what your picture is going to look like, since you can follow directions. Let me know if you want me to retake it.”

    (Best DMV experience ever!)

    Filled With Creamy Justice

    | USA | Bigotry, Food & Drink, Top

    Customer: “I’d like a donut.”

    Me: “What kind would you like?”

    Customer: *points out the donut* “But use tongs to pick it up.”

    Me: “Tongs?”

    Customer: “I don’t want anything touched by your white hands.”

    Me: “Okay…”

    (I use the tongs, and complete the sale.)

    Customer: *takes bite of donut* “This is good.”

    Me: “I made it fresh this morning. With my white hands.”

    Change Can’t Make You Change

    | ME, USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Top

    (I’m a 22-year-old queer female. While I don’t exactly go around singing my orientation from rooftops, I do have two queer pride pins on my work uniform and I always wear a rainbow bracelet, so it’s pretty hard to miss. A  man who’s about 60 years old comes through my line.)

    Customer: “I have a bad back. Can you lift that out for me?”

    (He points to a 15-pack of beer. I lift it out, scan it, and put it back in his cart.)

    Customer: “Wow, look at you. You’re pretty strong. Your boyfriend must be happy with you.”

    Me: “I don’t have a boyfriend.”

    Customer: “Well, why not?”

    Me: *deadpan* “I have no idea.”

    Customer: “Well, we can’t have that. How about I take you out to dinner tonight?”

    (I take a moment to very pointedly look at my two pins and then hold my arm up in plain sight and stare at my bracelet.)

    Me: “I already have supper plans.”

    Customer: “Come on, it’s just one night.”

    Me: *as I hand him his change* “I already have supper plans.”

    Customer: “That’s a shame. I would have let you keep the change if you’d said yes.”

    (After he leaves, my manager, who’s known me since high school, approaches.)

    Manager: *laughs* “Yeah, because eight bucks is gonna turn you straight and take away your standards.”

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