Me: “Good morning, what can I do for you?”

Customer: “Well, a few of my friends have been talking about this ‘internet’ thing. Is it any good?”

Me: “Yes, it is very useful. I use it all the time.”

Customer: “Oh, good.” *pulls something from his pocket*

Customer: “Could you put it on to this floppy disc for me, please?”

Me: “The entire Internet?”

Customer: “Yes, please!”

Me: “Can I help you, sir?”

Customer: “A packet of 20 Marlboro Lights, please.”

(I hand him the cigarettes.)

Customer: “Wait, I don’t want these ones.

Me: “Why? They’re Marlboro Lights. Did you change your mind?”

Customer: “No, I don’t want ones with this health warning about cigarettes causing impotency.”

Me: “Ok. Do you want ’smoking harms those around you,’ or ’smoking causes testicular cancer?’”

Customer: “Give me the ‘harms others’ ones.”

(A customer comes to the gas station register and hands me their credit card immediately.)

Customer: “I was looking at the liters display instead of the price.”

Me: “Yeah, I hate when that happens. Let’s see what your total is.”

Customer: “Well, I shouldn’t have to pay anymore than the $20 I wanted to put in.”

Me: “Sorry, but it doesn’t work like that.”

Customer: “That’s bulls***! I’m just going to drive off! Good luck getting your money!” *drives off without paying*

(I call the police who arrive ten minutes later, which is coincidentally when the customer returns–in his haste to drive off, he had forgotten to take back his credit card.)

Customer: “You stole my credit card, you a**hole!”

Me: “Just give me a second sir. I’m in the middle of reporting a drive-off to these police officers.”

Customer: “Haha! So I’m not the only one to do a drive-off from here?”

Police: “Today you are. Please come with us, sir.”

(My dad is a plumber. One day while trying to fix a clog, he finds a whole bunch of condoms.)

Dad: “I found the cause of your clog. Next time, just throw away your condoms. They don’t dissolve, so it’s bad for the toilet.”

Customer: “But my wife and I don’t use condoms…”

(There’s an awkward silence as the customer mulls over what he’s just said.)

Customer: “I think I’ll be having a talk with my wife now.”

(I’m waiting on a table of fourteen in the middle of the lunch rush. The customer I am speaking to is the first order I take at the table.)

Customer: “…oh, and I need some of that spicy salsa y’all have.”

(I tell the customer I’ll get that right out and proceed to take the rest of the table’s order.)

Customer: “I thought I asked you for spicy salsa?”

Me: “I haven’t left the table, sir.”

Customer: “Then how do you expect the salsa to get here? Magic?”

Me: “I was taking the rest of your party’s order, sir. I’ll go get the salsa right now.”

Customer: “And will you find out how long until our food comes out?”

Me: “Sir, I haven’t put in the order yet, because I just finished taking it.”

Customer: “Is this your first day or something?”

Me: “No, sir, I’ve been working here since we opened three years ago.”

(As I am walking back to the kitchen, another table flags me down, ready to order. The same customer gets up from his table and taps me on the shoulder while I am talking to this table.)

Customer: “I don’t know how long I am supposed to wait for the d*** spicy salsa.”

Me: “Sir, as soon as I take this table’s order I will literally walk into the cooler and get you some spicy salsa.”

(I immediately bring him the salsa, and am returning to the computer to put in the orders. He walks across the restaurant and stares at me.)

Me: “Is there a problem, sir?”

Customer: “This salsa is too spicy.”

Me: “Thank you for calling tech support, this is Josh. How may I help you?”

Caller: “I installed the purple bird!”

Me: “Purple bird…you mean Pidgin? Yeah, it’s pretty cool. How can I help you with that today?”

Caller: “My buddy list is empty.”

Me: “Maybe none of your friends are online right now?”

Caller: “It doesn’t COME with friends?!”

Me: “No, sir…”

Caller: *click*

(I’m telling a group of visitors about the peacocks at our zoo. After I’ve finished, one of the visitors stops me.)

Visitor: “Young man, can I have a word with you?

Me: “Certainly, ma’am. How can I help you?

Visitor: “I don’t appreciate you using that kind of language in front of my children.”

Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, I wasn’t aware I had.”

Visitor: “We prefer to call those birds over there pearoosters.”

Me: “Um, why?”

Visitor: “Because peacock is a bad word! I really don’t think you should be using that sort of language and those dirty words in front of small children!”

(I work in the shipping and receiving department of a furniture store, where customers ring a bell so I can give them their box. We also have a loading dock for semi’s.)

Outside: *BANG! BANG!*

(Alarmed, I go to the loading dock where I see an E-class Mercedes sliding repeatedly down the icy incline and crashing into the building.)

Me: “Sir! Sir! What are you doing?”

Customer: “I’m trying to pick up my f***ing table! You call this customer pick-up?”

Me: “No, Sir. We call this the loading dock. The customer service door is right over here.” *points at door*

Customer: “F***! Would you come down here and help push my car up the grade while I floor it?”

Me: “Sir, that incline is solid ice. If I slip or your car slides down, I could be killed. So, no, I won’t do that.”

Customer: “Well, f*** you!”

Me: “Okay, sir. Just ring this bell over here when you get out.”

(After a few more minutes and several more crashing noises, the bell rings. I open the door and it’s the same customer standing outside.)

Me: “Hello, sir. How may I help you?”

Customer: “I need this.” *hands me slip*

Me: “Okay, sir, I’ll have that ready right here for you. Would you like some help getting it into the car?”

Customer: “F*** you!”

(The customer takes the box by himself and attempts to fit box into his back seat but fails, as it’s filled with various items. He pulls out a child’s stroller and throws it across the road and into the woods, where it catches and hangs on a tree branch. He then proceeds to throw all other items in his car out onto road. The whole time, his wife is standing with me and watching.)

Customer’s wife: “Here you go.” *gives me a $10 tip*

Me: “Good luck with that guy.”

Customer’s wife: “Yeah, thanks. He’s still got to put that table together!”

(Around 12:30 am at the airport, a young woman in her mid-20’s strolls up to me at the check-in counter.)

Me: “How are you this morning?”

Female customer: “Alright. How early can I check in for a morning flight?”

Me: “Using the kiosk boarding pass printers, you can check in up to 5 hours early, but you won’t be able to drop off your bag until we open again around 5 am. What flight are you on?”

Female customer: “My name is *** and I’m on the 6:30 flight to Winnipeg. My fiance just broke up for me because of an argument that’s his fault. He just up and left, so I thought I’s come here and see. We are still on the same flight, too.”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that. Well, at least you are on separate reservations. Did you want to go later?”

Female customer: “No, I just want to get out of here. Is there a bar or anything open around here?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but the only thing open is the Tim Hortons, which is one floor below us, and the Mac’s stores on either end of the terminal.”

Female customer: “Okay. Is there anywhere to sleep?”

Me: “Sure, just head up to the third floor. There are some very comfy chairs, and it’s nice and quiet.”

Female customer: “Thanks…” *leaves*

(About ten minutes later, one of my coworkers calls a guy in his late 20’s up to her podium. I overhear their conversation…)

Coworker: “Where are you off to?”

Male customer: “Winnipeg at 6:30 am.”

Coworker: “Okay. You won’t be able to checkin until 5 hours prior, and you won’t be able to drop your bags until we open again around 5 am.”

(I know where this is going, so I walk over to the counter and chime in.)

Me: “Can I ask you a very personal question?”

Male customer: “Okay?”

Me: “Did you just break up with your fiance?”

Male customer: *surprised* “How do you know!”

Me: “I just talked to her about 10 minutes ago. She is here at the airport.”

Male customer: “F***! Where is she?”

Me: “I sent her downstairs to the Tim Hortons, and then to the third floor to sleep.”

Male customer: “Where should I go?”

Me: “If you stay on this floor, you should be okay. Just head down the terminal further by the other airlines. She won’t look for you there.”

Male customer: “F***! We’re on the same flight too!”

Me: “I know. Good luck!”

Me: “Will that be cash or credit/debit?”

Customer: “Debit.”

Me: “Okay, I’ll just need to see your ID.”

Customer: “I don’t have an ID.”

Me: “Well, then I’m afraid you’ll have to choose another payment method. There’s an ATM right down the–”

Customer: *suddenly grinning* “I’M JUST KIDDIN’ YA! I have my ID right here.” *shows me her ID*

Me: “Oh, haha. Alright. This all looks fine.”

Customer: *cheerfully* “I have that kinda sense of humor where people don’t know I’m joking.”

Me: “Oh, I have that problem occasionally myself.” *laughs*

Customer: *laughs, suddenly turns serious* “I kill people.”

Me: “…”

Customer: “…”

Every other customer who overheard: “…”

Customer: *guffawing* “I’M JUST KIDDIN’! Have a good day, blondie!”