(I am at the midnight release for the video game “Final Fantasy XIII” with my friends. I don’t have a console that can play the game, but the store lets people purchase the release event promotional posters beforehand. There is only one poster in the store, and I had bought it a few days earlier. I’m also friends with most of the staff who are working there, including the manager.)

Customer: “Can I also buy that promotional poster?”

Cashier: “I’m sorry, sir, but it has already been purchased.”

Customer: “There is no way it’s been purchased; it’s still there on the wall.”

Cashier: “It was purchased a week ago, but it just hasn’t been picked up yet.”

Customer: “So, just sell it to me; you’ll make twice the money.”

Cashier: “Sir, I can’t sell the poster, since it isn’t ours anymore.”

Customer: “I will give you twice what the other guy paid.”

(The customer is starting to get angry, so another cashier steps in.)

Cashier #2: “Didn’t you hear her? We can’t sell it to you.”

Customer: “Fine! If you won’t sell it to me, then I’ll just take it!”

(Both the manager and I have heard this. I decide to get my poster before this man does, and I catch the manager’s attention. I also just happen to be dressed like Auron from ‘Final Fantasy X’. I jump from my spot in line, and draw my fake sword.)

Me: “Now! This is it! Now is the time to choose! Die and be free of pain or live and fight your sorrow! Now is the time to shape your stories! Your fate is in your hands!”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “Don’t look to others for knowledge; this is your story.”

Customer: “I get it, but you are not getting that poster before I do!”

Me: “Every story must have an ending.”

(While this is going on, the manager takes the poster down, and puts it behind the counter. The customer gets to the spot where the poster had been, and looks at me, surprised.)

Customer: “How did you do that?”

Me: “I’m Captain Basch!”

(The customer stomps off angrily. The whole store gets a big laugh when I do actually pick up the poster.)

(I am Scottish. After serving a Vietnamese family, another customer approaches and leans over the counter to whisper.)

Customer: “It’s like trying to play a game of ‘Spot the Australian’ in here at the moment. There are so many foreigners around; know what I mean?”

(Not missing a beat, I lean back over towards the customer and speak in my strongest Scottish accent.)

Me: “Oh, I know ma’am! The bloody foreigners are everywhere! Jeez, sometimes you can never tell when you’re going to bump into one, hey?”

Customer: “Oh… oh my… I am so sorry, I didn’t mean…”

(The customer is very quiet for the remainder of the transaction, before apologising once more and leaving the store in a hurry.)

Coworker: “You’re a very bad man sometimes dude. I love it.”

(I am buying lunch at a local supermarket. I approach the self-service machine, which is clearly labelled ‘CASH ONLY’. An employee quickly comes up to me.)

Employee: “Sir, are you aware this is a cash only self-service machine?”

Me: “Yes, thank you.”

Employee: “And you’re paying in cash?”

Me: “Yes, of course!”

(I am insulted that the employee would see me as such an idiot. But then remembering all of the stories I’ve read and heard, I calmly breathe and look at her.)

Me: “Sorry, I work in retail, too. I know that the general intelligence of the average customer is why those questions are necessary. Don’t worry; I’m one of the good guys.”

(I smile at the employee and she smiles back with a sad look of self pity for industry in which we work.)

Me: “We’ll escape it one day.”

(I am walking away and realise I forgot to buy something. I head back just in time to here a customer screaming.)

Customer: “HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW IT WAS CASH ONLY!? I HATE THIS PLACE!”

(I smile that same sad smile back at the woman, knowing it is going to be a long day for her. Good luck to all of the workers out there, and keep smiling.)

(My uncle owns a chain of bike shops. We’re having a meal with my grandparents, and have gathered at the shop waiting for my cousin to finish his shift. An obnoxious customer is giving him trouble.)

Customer: “You are useless! Do you even know anything about bikes?”

Cousin: “When I’m not here, I race them.”

Customer: “Don’t take that tone with me!”

Cousin: “I wasn’t trying to take any tone—”

Customer: “Do you know who I am?! I’m the owner’s brother, and I will have you fired!”

(I am unable to contain myself, and turn to my brother.)

Me: “Did you hear that, bro? We’ve got another uncle!”

Customer: “…What?”

(The customer turns to see the crowd of us waiting.)

Dad: “I have another brother?”

Granddad: *to my grandmother* “Was this while I was away at sea? How could you?”

Grandmother: “All the jokes about a child in every port, and you were hiding THIS?”

Customer: “I… er…”

Uncle: “Well you don’t need to ring me; I’m here already! What has my son done this time?”

(The customer runs out. My dad starts shouting after him in a bad Italian accent.)

Dad: “You don’t a messa with the family!”

Grandmother: *to my granddad* “Well that one’s definitely yours.”

(We are having one of the coldest Easters in record. I work in an outdoors equipment shop, where we sell everything for use in outdoor activities, from hiking boots and tents to climbing gear and ice picks. I also volunteer for the UK’s mountain rescue. My manager and colleagues all know this, and are happy for me to go on calls.)

Customer: “I’m looking for some hiking boots so I can go out in the snow.”

Me: “Okay, sir, they are just over here.”

(We walk over to where we display our boots. As he is looking, I get paged that my team is going out on a rescue.)

Me: “Sorry, sir, I am afraid I have to go. I volunteer for mountain rescue, but one of my colleagues will assist you.”

Customer: “What! How dare you! You shouldn’t trouble me just because some random people managed to get themselves hurt.”

(The customer grabs onto my sleeve. My manager comes over, as he is aware of my needing to leave.)

Manager: “Sir, please let my employee leave. I will help you personally, and we will give you some free walking socks for your inconvenience.”

(I eventually leave, and my team performs our rescue. The casualty had hypothermia and a broken leg, but other than that was fine. A couple of days later, my team get another call-out. I bet you can’t guess who it was…)