Me: “Hi, welcome to [nail salon]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, we had an appointment for four mani/pedis.”

Me: “Okay, can I get your name? And how old are these three?”

Customer: “Why do you need to know how old they are?”

Me: “If they’re under 12, they get Princess mani/pedis which are ten dollars less.”

Customer: “No. I want them to have real mani/pedis.”

(I try to explain twice more that there is no difference besides the price. She starts to yell, causing a scene and bothering other customers.)

Customer: “You’re trying to give them bad service! I want them to have good nails!”

Me: “I understand, and they will. Princess treatments are only less because their nails are smaller so they don’t take as–”

Customer: “I want them to have REAL mani/pedis! You’re trying to give them half-a**ed service!”

Me: “Ma’am, the only difference is the price. Do you want to pay $156 or $129?”

Customer: “…Well in that case, yes. They’re all under 12.”

Me: “Gracias por llamar a [company name], en que le puedo asistir hoy?”

Caller: “Excuse me?”

Me: “I am sorry, ma’am, your call came in through the Spanish line. How may I help you today?”

Caller: “I want to talk to somebody in English.”

Me: “I speak English ma’am, You must have pressed the Spanish option through the automated system, but I will be more than happy to help you.”

Caller: “What was that you were speaking before?”

Me: “Spanish.”

Caller: “I want to talk to somebody in English.”

Me: “Ma’am, I speak English as well. How may I help you today?”

Caller: *slowly* “I want to talk to somebody in the United
States who speaks English!”

Me: “Thank you for calling [company name], how may I help you today?”

Caller: *hangs up*

Me: “Thank you for calling [grocery store]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I bought peanut butter! Now I don’t know what to do with it.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “You had peanut butter on sale–buy two, get one free. I bought the two and got one free, and now I have nothing to do with it!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but that’s not the fault of the store.

Customer: “What do I do with it?!”

Me: “Put it on a sandwich?”

Customer: “Do you know how many calories are in two tablespoons of peanut butter? 200! 200 calories!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but I don’t really know what to do with your peanut butter.”

Customer: “I don’t care! If you don’t tell me what to do with it right now, I’m going to complain to your manager and have you fired!”

Me: “Ma’am–”

Customer: “What do I do with the peanut butter?!”

Me: “I don’t know, make cookies with it? Give a jar to a friend? Donate to a homeless shelter?”

Customer: “Are you crazy?! I paid good money for this stuff. I’m not going to just give it away. YOU. ARE. AN. IDIOT!”

Customer: “Two tickets for Star Trek, please.”

Me: “That showing has sold out, sir.”

Customer: “What! That’s impossible!”

Me: “The IMAX is very popular sir. I am afraid we don’t have any more seats until tomorrow.”

Customer: “I need to see this movie! You’re not a Star Trek fan. You wouldn’t understand! Please sell me a ticket!”

Me: “I would love to sir, but the needs of the one or the few do not outweigh the needs of the many.”

Customer: *recognizing my quote from Star Trek* “I see. I suppose I couldn’t say that sometimes the needs of the one or the few do outweigh the needs of the many?”

Me: “No sir, that would be quite illogical.”

Customer: “Hmm, you’re good.”

Me: “I must have the lobes for business.”

Customer: “Two tickets for tomorrow then, please.”

Me: “Very good, sir.”

Customer: “Live long and prosper!”

(A man comes to my register with a mint chocolate candy bar.)

Me: “Anything else?”

Customer: “Can you break a $100 bill?”

Me: “Actually, I can’t. We just opened and I haven’t gone to the bank today.”

Customer: “Oh, no! Do you know anywhere I can get change? I need this candy right away!”

(At this point I notice his panicked look. Coupled with the fact that he’s buying the most unappetizing candy in the store, I jump to a conclusion.)

Me: “Sir, these aren’t for you, are they?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Did your pregnant wife send you out at 8 in the morning to buy this candy?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “For the love of God, man! Get these home to her before you’re in even more trouble! You can come back and pay me later!”

(The customer bolts out the door. He later came back, visibly calmer, and paid.)

(I’ve just finished putting a cherry on top of an older woman’s ice cream. It’s slowly starting to roll down the side.)

Me: “Oh, watch it! You’re about to lose your cherry!”

Customer: “Oh dearie, I lost that a long time ago.”

(A guy comes into my register with a pretty standard basket of groceries.)

Me: “Sir, did you only get one pint of Ben and Jerry’s?”

Customer: “Why?”

Me: “Well, it’s ‘Buy one, Get one free’ this week.”

Customer: “Hold on.” *runs off and returns a minute later with 9 more pints*

Me: “You must really like Ben and Jerry’s, huh?”

Customer: “I have a pregnant wife.”

(I’m on the reference desk on the main floor of our library, when a smartly dressed middle aged woman comes to ask me a question.)

Patron: “Hello, do you only lend books here?”

Me: “No, we also have DVDs, CDs, books on tape, and there are newspapers and magazines but we don’t loan those. Can I help you find something?”

Patron: “There’s a lot of furniture in here.”

Me: “Yes, I suppose there is.”

Patron: “I’d like to borrow a table, please.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we don’t loan the furniture to people.”

Patron: “It’s for my mother. She’s coming over from Germany next week and she’s a very fussy eater so we need a bigger table. How long can I borrow it for?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we don’t lend out furnishings. If you’d like, I can find you the number for a company that rents them out. Would that help?”

Patron: “I’m not paying any money! That’s the whole point on lending things. Will one of your staff help me carry it home?”

Me: “No, ma’am, I’m sorry, but we don’t lend out furniture under any circumstances.”

Patron: “But she’s coming from Germany.”

Me: “Well, I’m afraid we can’t lend you a table, but there’s a local company that rents out furniture for parties and–”

Patron: “NO! Table! Now! You just want to keep them for yourselves!”

Me: “Thank you for calling [Wireless Service Provider's] Financial Services Department. May I have your mobile number please?”

Caller: “I am calling to complain that I have not been receiving payment return envelopes with my statements each month.”

Me: “No problem, sir. Let me get your mobile number so I can pull up your account and see what’s going on.”

Caller: *gives account number*

Me: “Ok, just give me a minute to look through the account and see what’s going on.”

(Looking through his payment history, I notice he’s been paying $60 a month for a $20 a month plan for nearly two years. As a result, he has over $1,000 in credit on his account.)

Me: “Okay, sir, thanks for holding. It looks like the reason we haven’t been sending you envelopes is because you haven’t owed us any money for the past two years or so.”

Caller: “But I’ve been using the service! How do I not owe you any money?”

Me: “Well, your bill is only about 20 dollars a month and you’ve been consistently overpaying each month.”

Caller: “Yes, I know! I have money, now and what if one day I don’t? I want to be able to have my cell phone! I NEED envelopes! Can you send me some right away?”

Me: “Sir, basically you could not pay your cell phone bill for about the next several years and not have to worry about it. Why not let some of that balance wear down? You’ve really been paying way too much!”

Caller: “But I need more envelopes! I don’t know why you can’t just send me some!”

Me: “Sir, it’s all done in a warehouse. We don’t actually have stacks of letters laying around our office. Since the company isn’t sending you envelopes, why not just go purchase some from a store?”

Caller: “No, I can’t do that!”

Me: “Okay, I’ll take care of this for you…”

(I end the call, hunt down a few generic non-labeled envelopes from the supply cabinet, and mail them to the customer. I check back on his account a few days later and he had called in to thank us for sending him the envelopes!)

(When I was in college, I used to work in the cafeteria. On this day, two girls are making fun of a third.)

Mean Girl #1: “Oooooh, a hamburger? So much for that diet.”

Mean Girl #2: “Are you kidding? She’s never been on a diet in her life!”

(The third girl who they are talking to is, for the record, very nice looking.)

Girl #3: *taken aback* “I…I worked out today. I need the protein.”

Me: “Come on, leave her alone. She can eat whatever she wants!”

Mean Girl #1: “Yeah, I guess you don’t have to worry about what you eat if you’re already fat and ugly!”

(One of my coworkers has been listening from a distance. He walks over, looks all three girls up and down, and then turns to the third.)

Coworker: “Excuse me, miss, but do you think I could get your phone number?”

Girl #3: “Are you serious?”

Coworker: “Completely! Who wouldn’t want a date with a beautiful girl who knows how to take care of herself?”

(This was five years ago. I’m going to be the best man at their wedding.)