(I work at a retail greenhouse and we have had a severe rainstorm. Several shingles came crashing through the glass roof. My coworkers and I are waiting in the shed until the boss shows up. We are stopping people from entering the store.)

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry. You can’t go in there.”

Customer: “What? I just need to buy this flat of petunias.”

Me: “I understand, but the roof is shattering in there. It’s not safe.”

Customer: “You can’t stop me from going in. I risked my life driving here to get these petunias. I’m going in.”

(She goes in the store, where glass is still shattering. We can see her through the glass doors waiting at the register. After a minute she comes out furious.)

Customer: “Which one of you is the cashier? Can’t you see I’m waiting to pay?!”

Me: “Ma’am, we can’t go back in. The roof is shattering and it is dangerous.”

Customer: “You’re all a bunch of wimps! I risked my life getting here. I need to buy these petunias!”

(I am taking orders on both lanes at the fast food restaurant. I already have other customers at the second window as someone pulls up to the menu board.)

Customer: “Hablas español?” (“Do you speak Spanish?”)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, I’ll be with you in just a minute.”

Customer: “Hablas español?”

(I say the only thing I know in Spanish.)

Me: “Lo siento, pero no puedo hablar español. Solamente inglés o japonés.” (“I’m sorry, I don’t speak Spanish. Only English or Japanese.”)

Customer: *in heavily accented English* “I SPEAK JAPANESE TOO!”

Me: “Hontoo? Nihongo o hanasu?” (“Really? You speak Japanese?”)

Customer: “Soo desu yo! Shichi-ban ga hoshii, nomimono wa Sprite desu!” (“Yes I do! I want a number 7 with Sprite!”)

Me: “Nani mo ga hoshii?” (“Would you like anything else?”)

Customer: “Chotto.” (“No thank you.”)

Me: “Hai soo desu, shichi doru san juu sento onegaishimasu. Ni-ban me fune de gozaimasu.”

(The other customers at the second window are still there with a flabbergasted look on their faces. I hand them their food.)

Me: “Don’t ask, it’d take too long to explain. Have a nice night.”

Other Customers: “Sayonara!”

(I’m a customer here. When you place an order, the cashier asks for a name to call when the order is ready. As I’m finishing my lunch and getting ready to go, I hear over the intercom speakers…)

Employee: “Aragorn, the firstborn son of Arathorn, your order is ready!”

(The customer is buying one piece of jewelry. I’m all about the environment so I try to avoid giving out bags for small purchases.)

Me: “Would you like a bag, or do you want to put it in your purse?”

Customer: “My purse is fine.”

Me: “Yay! You just saved a polar bear!”

Customer: *eyes go wide* “Plastic bags… are made out of… polar bears?!”

(Note: I have light blue hair with dark blue tips.)

Customer: *staring at me*

Me: “Can I help you?”

Customer: “Am I still high, or is your hair really like that?”

Me: “Good evening, guest services. This is ***, how my I assist you?”

Guest: “This is absolutely ridiculous! You need to get someone up here right now! This God d*** microwave in my room isn’t working! You had better fix this immediately!”

(Note: our hotel does not have microwaves in guest rooms unless the person is a VIP or if they request one in advance.)

Me: “I am so sorry, Mr. ***. I can certainly have someone come take a look at it right away. If I may ask, did housekeeping bring this microwave to your room?”

Guest: “No! It’s the microwave that is in the room! My nachos have been in this d*** thing for over 20 minutes and they’re not even hot yet!”

Me: “I see, sir. Can you tell me where it’s located in your room?”

Guest: “It’s the one that’s right under the television! I want my nachos and you better figure this out now!”

Me: “Sir, is this microwave an off-white color with a keypad on the right of it?”

Guest: “Yes!”

Me: “There’s not a little window like a normal microwave would have, is there? It’s just a little digital display screen, right?”

Guest: “That’s exactly it. It only displays how long I set the time for! I want my nachos 20 minutes ago. Can you get someone up here immediately?! This is absurd!”

Me: “Again, sir, I apologize that your nachos are not hot. However, I believe I’ve figured out what the problem is. The device you’re placing your nachos in is actually your safe.”

Guest: “Oh…oh my God. I’m so f***ing stupid!”

(He actually called back down later and apologized.)

(The electricity went out for about 30 seconds in our department store. Shortly after the blackout, the following conversation took place.)

Customer #1: “It was weird how the power went out like that.”

Customer #2: “Yeah, but at least we weren’t in the elevator. Can you imagine?”

Customer #1: “Oh yeah, that would have been pretty bad. But not as bad as it would have been on the escalator.”

Customer #2: “The escalator?”

Customer #1: “Yeah, just think of how scary that would be! The escalator loses power and then woosh!” *makes a hand gesture to represent stairs going flat, becoming a slide*

Customer #2: “Oh yes, that would be awful!”

Customer #1: “I hope all the people who were on the escalator are okay.”

Customer #2: *shakes her head sadly* “Woosh…”

(I’m working in a diner at the crack of dawn. A surly trucker sits down at the counter.)

Me: “Good morning, can I start you with something to drink?”

Customer: “Coffee. Now.”

Me: “I’m sorry, we’re all out of ‘coffee now’. All we have left is ‘coffee please’.”