Me: “The Medic Recordings, how may I help you today?”

Customer: “You know why I’m calling! Can I just come?!”

Me: “Ma’am, whats the problem?”

Customer: “Oh yes I’m sorry, it’s my son. He’s very sick.”

Me: “Ma’am this is a recording studio. Are you sure you dialed the right number?”

Customer: “WHAT?! The phone book says ‘The Medic’!”

Me: “Uh…it says The Medic Recordings, I believe…”

Customer: “This is ridiculous, I don’t care what you are. I’m coming in, my son has a terrible fever!”

Me: “Ma’am I don’t think we could help you–”

Customer: “JUST BE READY!”

*Click*

(Sure enough, she showed up about 15 minutes later and was obviously drunk because she had no son nor did she know why she came.)

Related:
I Got Alky On My Mind

Click here to view the comic version of this quote!

(This happens while I’m checking out another patron’s books.)

Library patron, screaming and pointing at me, elbowing other patron out of the way: “WHY DIDN’T YOU TAKE THE CHICKEN NOODLE SOUP OFF THE STOVE???”

Me: “Um, I’m sorry, ma’am, I’m helping someone right now….”

Library patron: “You let it get all FATTY on the top!!!”

Me: “…I’m sorry?”

(Library patron begins to cry.)

Me: “Why are you crying?”

Library patron: “I don’t know, cuz dads are microwaving their kids and sh*t!”

Me: …

Me: “Hi, can I help you find something?”

Lady Customer: “Yes, actually. You have this item that I want, but it looks like it’s been damaged.”

(Lady lifts up a portable DVD player that’s currently on sale. She pointed out a small tear in the box.)

Lady Customer: “Would you happen to have any more?”

Me: “Sure, I can check for you.” *checks our computer* “No, I’m sorry, it appears that you have the last one.”

Lady Customer: *angry* “Why don’t you have any more!?”

Me: “Well, it’s a great sale, so we’ve had a lot of people come in today to purchase it.”

Lady Customer: “Yes, but it’s ON. SALE. That means that it should be IN. STOCK.”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but since it’s on sale, we’ve had a lot of people come in today to purchase it. The one that you have right now is still in good shape. The only problem with it is not the product, but the box itself.”

Lady Customer: “This is false advertising! Your ad said you had these, but you don’t! WHY!?”

Me: “Because if we had every on sale item overstocked to meet demand, our storage room would be impossible to traverse through…”

Lady Customer: “Fine, be a smart ass. I still want one from here either way. Call the store in [location] to drive one here so I can purchase it.”

Me: “… Excuse me?”

Lady Customer: “Call [location]…and tell them to bring me one…”

Me: “Um… first, we don’t have an outside line in my department. You would have to go to Guest Service. Second, they wouldn’t deliver a single item for one guest.”

Lady Customer: “Why the HELL not!?”

Me: “Because… I don’t think the Electronics specialist, currently busy handling his own department…would be very happy to have to get your item, drive his car 20 minutes, waste gas, and then deliver said item to you while you’re already holding said item in hand…”

Lady Customer: “THIS. IS. RIDICULOUS!”

Me: “We agree then.”

Lady Customer: *Infuriated* “I am NEVER coming to this STUPID F**KING STORE AGAIN! I’M GOING TO WALMART!”

Me: “Good luck Ma’am! I heard they have GREAT customer support, but I doubt they will meet to your demands.”

(Lady storms off.)

Another Customer: “What the f**k was her problem?”

Me: “…thank you…”

Customer: “I’d like to return these ice pops.”

Me: “Ok, I just need to see your receipt.”

(I take the box of ice pops.)

Me: “…this is an empty box!”

Customer: “Well, we ate them. Some of them taste good, but some of them had a weird taste, so we threw them out.”

Me: “I can’t give you money back on something you already ate.”

Customer: “Why are you so difficult?! I’m never shopping here again!”

Female customer, from 15 feet away: “Hey, you!”

Me: “Yes?”

(Customer comes over with her friends and a dirty soccer-ball shaped pillow.)

Female customer: “This is the last one and it’s dirty. I want 20% off!”

Me: “I’d like to give you a discount, but you’ll have to talk to one of my superiors. I don’t have the authority to do that.”

Female customer: *points towards the sky* “My only superior is up there, and He’s the only one who I take orders from. ”

Me: “Let me see if I can get a manager.”

(I call for a manager, and of course, no one shows up. After 10 minutes…)

Female customer: “Why can’t you give me a discount?”

Me: “Because I don’t have the authority.”

Female customer: “Well, I think you can’t give me a discount because you don’t believe in Jesus!”

Me: “You can take that item to the service desk, and I’m sure they’d be able to help you out.”

Female customer: “Yeah and we’ll stick out like a bunch of sore thumbs since we’re the only black people in the store!”

Me: “Actually, our store manager is African American, as well as two of our assistant managers, who are both women.”

Female customer: “Oh.” *she finally walks away*

Woman: “Hello, I’d like to report a ticket.”

Me: “I beg your pardon?”

Woman: “I want to report a speeding ticket.”

Me: “I don’t really have the ability to write tickets over the phone.”

Woman: “He’s speeding down the road; he must be doing 90mph!”

Me: “Generally at this time of day we have patrols on every major street.”

Woman: “I caught up to him and he is doing about 102. His license number is ******.

(I pretend to write it down so I can end this phone call.)

Me: “Thank you ma’am, I’ll get right on mailing this-”

Woman: “Did it come up?”

Me: “Yes it did.”

Woman: “What did it say?”

Me: “It says the car is stolen.” (It didn’t.)

Woman: “Oh my god!”

Me: “And what is your Driver’s License Number?”

Woman: “Why do you need that?”

Me: “You are aware it is illegal to drive and talk on your cellphone, right?”

Woman: *click*

(I go to a table of four, a mom and dad and two kids who are ready to order.)

Husband: “How big are your pizzas?”

Me: “They are 10 inch pizzas, sir.”

Husband: “Well how big is 10 inches?

(And before I can answer, the wife chimes in.)

Wife: “You wouldn’t know anything about 10 inches, dear.”

(I stood there for a moment with my mouth open, before I ran to the wait station and started laughing hysterically.)

Customer: “Hi. I need a threesis.”

Clerk: “A…pardon?

Customer: “You know–a threesis. It has other words that mean the same as the word you look up.”

Clerk: “Oh…do you mean a thesaurus?”

Customer: “Duh! That’s a dinosaur! I need a threesis!”

Student: “So, like, um, you wrote on my paper that I wrote like, I, like spoke…but you only gave me 2 out of 10 points.

Me: “You used ‘like’ 56 times and ‘that’ 87.”

Student: “Um, why is that a problem??”

Me: “It was a 2 page writing assignment.”

Student: “So…um…since I talked with you, um…can I have some more points?”

(Woman walks in totally nude and grabs a muffin. She has a large, rather offensive tattoo from her bottom rib up her neck.)

Me: “Ma’am, you can’t just take those…”

Nudist: “Why, because of the tattoo?”

Me: “No, because you need to pay for it first.”

Nudist: “It’s a free country!” *walks out*

(I ended up pulling out my wallet and paying for it myself, because getting arrested for chasing a nude chick down the street is not worth it.)