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    Category: Top

    As Opposed To The Ones That You Can, Like, Smoke?

    , | Oregon, USA | Top

    (At a library, completely surrounded by books…)

    Me: “Hi, how can I help?”

    College Student: “Where are the books that you can, like, read?”

    Me: ????

    Because Everything On The Internets Is Private

    , | Stroudsburg, PA, USA | Top

    (On Black Friday…when EVERYTHING is on sale.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, sir?”

    Me: “Hey, can I help you find something?”

    Customer: “Hi, I’d like to know what’s on sale today.”

    Me: “Well, it depends on what system. You see, the DS only has three games on sale, while the XBOX has about 10. Not to mention, almost every console is running some sort of deal.”

    Customer: “No, I meant the secret sales.”

    Me: “What do you mean?”

    Customer: “The stuff in the catalog.”

    Me: “Oh, that’s all posted.”

    Customer, suddenly angry: “It better not be!”

    Me: “Why not?”

    Customer: “Because I looked online for those sales.”

    Me: “What’s your point?”

    Customer: “Because I wouldn’t have done that if I’d known it was public!”

    Me: “The point of a sale is to make it public.”

    Customer: “GET ME YOUR MANAGER YOU A**HOLE!”

    Mission: Impossible

    | Chicago, IL, USA | Top

    Customer: “I just locked my key in my car in front of the shop.”

    Me: *I pick up some stuff* “Not a problem. I’ll pop it open for $5.00.”

    Customer: “What are you going to do with that stuff?”

    Me: “Open your car.”

    Customer: “It’s a brand new Mercedes. I just drove it here from the dealer—you can’t touch it!”

    Me: “Then how do I open it?”

    Customer: “That’s your problem.”

    Me: “Actually it’s not; I didn’t lock the key in your car.”

    Customer: “You have to open it.”

    Me: “Watch me not open it.”

    Customer: “Okay, then, but if you make any scratch or mark at all then you will have to pay Mercedes to repaint the whole car. That will cost thousands.”

    Me: “So, If I’m successful I get $5.00, but if I make the smallest error it will cost me thousands of dollars?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “Your car might just be there forever.”

    Of All The Moments For Freud To Slip

    | Australia | Food & Drink, Language & Words, Rude & Risque, Top

    (I was working the candy bar when a I was approached by a man seeing Bridge to Terabithia with two young kids. He points to the popcorn machine:)

    Customer: “I’ll have two boxes of cockporn, please.”

    (There was a two second pause as the customer’s eyes went wide with horror…and then I started to laugh. He got the popcorn and ran upstairs, with me standing behind the counter with tears running down my face.)

    She Uses The Google

    | New York, USA | Top

    Me: “Hello, how can I help you?”

    Client: “Hi! I need a website…”

    Me: “Okay. Well, to start, tell me a little about what exactly you are looking for.”

    Client: “Nothing big…just 2-4 pages with my company’s info, and our phone number. It wont need to be updated. I just need a basic web page. I just opened a dog grooming business, and I feel we need a site.”

    Me: “Okay, well I would be glad to help you out…”

    Client: *interrupts* “One catch though. My friend told me that I need to get on Google.”

    Me: “Yes, we offer Search Engine Optimization…” *explains SEO* “…and generally your page will be indexed within about a month.”

    Client: “No, I need my site to be on Google immediately! I want to be able to type in ‘Dog Grooming’ and have it be the first listing on Google. I need the site in about 4 days, and it has to be on Google by then also.”

    Me: “I’m afraid that’s impossible. Besides, you’re a local dog groomer, in NY, you don’t need people to from California to be able to find you. No offense but it’s not like people are going to fly across the country to have you cut their dog’s hair.”

    Client: “I guess you’re right. Okay, well then lets go with ‘local dog grooming’ instead. How much do you charge for your services?”

    Me: “Well ma’am, I’m afraid it’s going to be impossible to get your site built in 4 days and have it listed, by then, as the number 1 result on the largest search engine, for a term as broad as ‘Local Dog Grooming’, but we can come back to that. A ballpark quote for your site, and this is just the design and upload–this is not for the SEO you want–possibly…$250.”

    Client: “That is ridiculous…I am going to just buy Dreamweaver. ”

    Me: “Ma’am, just Dreamweaver alone is $399 and even then you’re going to need to learn how to use it.”

    Client: “Well can you teach me?”

    Me: “Ummm…I don’t mean to sound rude, but I went to 4 years of school for this, and make a living doing web design. I don’t feel comfortable training you. That’s sort of like if I were to come to your establishment, and ask you if you could take your time to show me how to properly cut my dogs hair, rather than paying you to do it.”

    Client: *speaking to someone else near her* “The sh*t people will tell you just to be able to steal your money!” *click*

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