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    All Scrooged Up

    | Milwaukee, WI, USA | Top

    (My boss is a realtor; she has sign toppers for various occasions. This one happened to be for the Christmas season: “Home for the Holidays”.)

    Customer: “I’m calling about the ‘Home for the Holidays’ house.”

    Me: “Sure, what’s the address?”

    (She reads it to me.)

    Me: “Okay, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “When can I move in?”

    Me: “Excuse me? I’m sorry–do you mean you want to write an offer for the house?”

    Customer: “No, it says ‘Home for the Holidays.’ I want to move in before Christmas.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry. We’re not giving the house away, we’re selling it.”

    Customer: “Well I can’t afford a house!” *click*

    When Religions Collide

    | Florence, KY, USA | Top

    (This is after we’re all done with our transaction. I’m half-Jewish, so I celebrate Hanukkah, which was currently going on.)

    Me: “Have a great day, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Merry Christmas!”

    Me, completely sincere: “And Happy Hanukkah to you!”

    Customer: *flails her arms and screams happily* “No it’s about Jesus! It’s Jesus’s birthday! You have to worship Jesus! It’s all about Jesus! Love Jesus!”

    Related:
    When Generations Collide

    Why Asking Why Is A Bad Idea, Part 2

    | Austin, TX, USA | Top

    Me: “Okay, and if you could just sign the top line of this receipt copy for the return, you’ll be all set.”

    Customer: “Wait, this isn’t my correct address. This address printed on this receipt is not mine.”

    Me: “Yes ma’am, I realize that. However, our cash registers make us enter address and telephone information whenever anyone does a return or exchange. It’s for fraud prevention, etc. However, whenever I request a customer’s address, they panic, clutch their purse to their chest and hiss, ‘Why would you need to know that?’ Or they shout, ‘I’m not getting on any more god damn mailing lists!’ or they are conspiracy theorists who are convinced that I’m an agent of the government monitoring their spending habits through my DOS-based cash register. Or they think I want to come and hang out with them after I get off work. And it really doesn’t matter how many times I try to explain that it’s a fraud prevention requirement and that I’m neither immediately passing it on to Big Brother nor to my drug dealer named Tito. So I make up addresses because I don’t particularly want to have these conversations anymore.”

    Customer, after a long pause: “Yes, that’s a very good plan you’ve come up with.” *scampers away from me*

    Related:
    Why Asking Why Is A Bad Idea

    Deep Pockets

    | Kansas, USA | Top

    Customer: “I’d like to buy the Internet, please.”

    Sales: “The whole thing?”

    Egocentrism Meets Geocentrism

    | Pendel, PA, USA | Top

    Customer, calling from a cell phone: “Would you tell me how to get to your office?”

    Me: “Sure, where are you now?”

    Customer: “That is none of your business. Just tell me how to get there.”

    Me: “But to do that, I need to know where you are starting from. Are you in our town?”

    Customer: “I told you that is none of your $%@# business.”

    (After few more exchanges of this sort…)

    Customer: “You are an idiot. Let me speak to your manager.”

    Manager, who overheard part of the conversation already: “May I help you?”

    Customer: “Tell me how to get to your office.”

    Manager: “Well, that depends on where you are starting from.”

    Customer: “&@#$#!! Just $%%@# tell me how to get there.”

    Manager: “Okay. See the next corner? Turn right there.”

    Customer: *click*

    Related:
    You Be Telepathic So I Can Be Lazy
    (Telepathic) Help Wanted

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