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  • August Theme Of The Month: Best. Customer. Ever!

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    Bridezilla On Line 1

    , | High Desert, CA, USA | Top

    Me: “Thank you for calling [eye doctor’s office], how can I help you?”

    Lady: “Hello, I want to check on the status of my glasses.”

    Me: “Okay, what is your full name?”

    Lady: “Lori Johnson, spelled L-O-R-I.”

    Me: “Okay, hold please.”

    (I check the computer for Lori Johnson and it doesn’t come up. I then check alternative spellings things like Laurie, Lory, Lauri, etc. All to no avail.)

    Me: “I’m sorry Miss, would you mind giving me your date of birth?”

    Lady: “12-21-1969.”

    (I do a search for that date of birth and one name comes up. Lori Smith.)

    Me: “Would you by chance be listed under any other name?”

    Lady: “NO!”

    Me: “Okay, I’ll try searching by address.”

    (She gives me her address and sure enough, it matches Lori Smith.)

    Me: “I seem to have you listed in our computer as ‘Lori Smith’.”

    Lady: “That’s not me.”

    Me: “Well the date of birth matches, as does the address. Would you like me to search by social security number?”

    Lady: “That’s not my name. I got married and my last name is Johnson now!”

    Me: “Oh I’m sorry, your insurance still has you listed as Smith so that’s how we got mixed up. You’ll probably want to call them.”

    Lady: “That’s no excuse.”

    Me: “I’m sorry. But there was no way for us to know you got married.”

    Lady: “It was in the newspaper!”

    Me: “Okaaaaaay.”

    You Know You’ve Had Too Much To Drink When …

    | Fairfax, VA, USA | Top

    Customer: “I’ll have a margarita please.”

    (I get a margarita and serve it to the woman.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, miss? Can I please have another margarita? This one doesn’t have enough quatilia in it.”

    Me: “Ma’am, your drink is strong, I can guarantee it.”

    Customer: “How do you know there is enough quatilia in this?”

    Me: “Because you said “quatilia.”

    Customer: “Yeah, and?”

    Me: “It’s called ‘tequila.'”

    (Customer face turns a nice shade of crimson.)

    How To Scam A Scammer, Part 3

    | Washington, DC, USA | Top

    Me: “Good evening, how may I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes, I placed a carry-out order there tonight and it’s all f***ed up!!”

    Me: “Ok ma’am, I’m sure we can resolve this.”

    Customer: “This always happens here.”

    Me: “Have you placed a lot of carry-out orders with us within the past few weeks?”

    Customer: “Yes, four in the past two weeks, and they were all wrong.”

    Me: “Well were they expensive items? Such as our 20oz porterhouse or our foie gras? Or were they cheaper items such as potato skins?”

    Customer: “Both. Mostly porterhouse steaks though. And I want free food to make up for all of this, and I want it delivered.”

    Me: “Well ma’am, I’d be happy to do that.”

    Customer: “You’d better be!”

    Me: “May I have your name, and address so I can have these delivered?”

    Customer: “Amy ***. My address is ***.”

    Me: “Thank you, ma’am. Just so you know, we have never carried a porterhouse steak, or foie gras. Nor have we had potato skins in the past 5 years. By the way, we have not done carryout for 7 months. And to top it off the police will soon be heading over to that address that you so graciously gave to me; undermining a store keeper is a crime in this city. Have a nice night.”

    Related:
    How To Scam A Scammer, Part 2
    Lesson 1, How To Scam A Scammer

    Math Is Your Friend

    , | Toronto, Canada | Top

    (Customer approaches cash desk with two t-shirts with a price tag of $14.99 each. I scan the t-shirts.)

    Me: “Oh, they scan at $7.99 each.”

    Customer: “The sign on the table where I found them says that they’re 2 for $20.00.”

    Me: “I know, but they scan at $7.99.”

    Customer: “…but the sign says 2 for $20.00.”

    Me: “I know, but head office must have changed the sale and updated the computer before we had a chance to change the sign. So you can buy the shirts for $7.99 each.”

    Customer: “I don’t care what price comes up in the computer. The sign says 2 for $20.00 so you have to sell them to me at that price!”

    Me: “Okay.”

    (I override the $7.99 price in the computer and change it to $10.00. The customer pays two dollars more per shirt than he has to and smugly goes on his way.)

    Why Alcohol And Customers Don’t Mix

    | Los Angeles, CA, USA | Top

    Me: “The Medic Recordings, how may I help you today?”

    Customer: “You know why I’m calling! Can I just come?!”

    Me: “Ma’am, whats the problem?”

    Customer: “Oh yes I’m sorry, it’s my son. He’s very sick.”

    Me: “Ma’am this is a recording studio. Are you sure you dialed the right number?”

    Customer: “WHAT?! The phone book says ‘The Medic’!”

    Me: “Uh…it says The Medic Recordings, I believe…”

    Customer: “This is ridiculous, I don’t care what you are. I’m coming in, my son has a terrible fever!”

    Me: “Ma’am I don’t think we could help you–”

    Customer: “JUST BE READY!”

    *Click*

    (Sure enough, she showed up about 15 minutes later and was obviously drunk because she had no son nor did she know why she came.)

    Related:
    I Got Alky On My Mind

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