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    Category: Top

    One Slice Short Of A Pizza

    , | Idaho, USA | Crazy Requests, Food & Drink, Top

    Customer: “I need 6 frozen pizzas as big as tires!”

    Me: “I don’t think we sell pizza that big, sir…”

    Customer: “Oh come on! I’ve got two flats and only one spare and I don’t wanna call a tow-truck!”

    Me: “Sir, I’m afraid that won’t work…”

    Customer: “Fine! Be ridiculous! I’m going somewhere else! If Tom Slick could do it, why can’t I?”

    Manager: “Holy crap! Sometimes I swear these idiots do these things on purpose!”

    I Goes To Skool

    | Baltimore, MD, USA | Top

    (A girl in her late teens approaches me holding a t-shirt, turning it over in her hands, apparently searching for defects or blemishes in the material.)

    Customer: “Do you have any of these that are new?”

    Me: “I’m sorry? They’re all new.”

    Customer: “No, this one is used. I want a new one.”

    (I take the shirt and inspect it, finding it to be in perfect order.)

    Me: “It looks perfectly fine to me. I unpacked these from today’s shipment an hour ago. We have multiples of each size if you’d like me to help you find another one.”

    Customer: “I checked them all. They’re all used, see…”

    (She snatches the shirt and points at the tag which reads, under the bar code, “USD $14.99″.)

    Me: “That’s the currency. United States Dollars.”

    Customer, becoming irate: “I can f**king see that. Fifteen dollars for a used shirt is f**king insane.”

    Me: “No. U-S-D. United States Dollars. We don’t sell used clothing.”

    Customer: “What are you, a f**king idiot? It says you do, right on the d**n tag.”

    Me: “My mistake. Here, I’ll take that and make sure it gets thrown away.”

    (I take the shirt and begin walking to the stock room.)

    Customer: “Can I just have it? You’re going to throw it out anyway.”

    Me: “Sorry, no. There’s an IQ requirement.”

    Customer: “A what?”

    Me: “It’s an acronym thing. Don’t worry about it.”

    Customer: “You’re a f**king a**hole!”

    (She storms out.)

    Ah, Parents…

    , | Rhode Island, USA | Family & Kids, Top

    (The phone rings at around 6-ish.)

    Me: “Hello, this is D-…”

    (I hear loud crying in the background.)

    Man: “Hello, Disney World? I’m just calling to say that if my children don’t finish their vegetables in the next five minutes, we won’t be visiting you this year.”

    Me: “I…er…what?”

    Man: *whispering* “Thank you.” *click*

    One-Woman Wrecking Crew

    | Olympia, WA, USA | Top

    Woman: “I’ve been standing out there trying to pump gas for the last 10 minutes! Your @&$%*# gas pump is broken!”

    Me: “I’m sorry. I’ll go out with you and see what I can do.”

    (I see a bright red “Out of Order” bag on the nozzle; she had shoved everything into her tank, bag and all.)

    Me: “Yes, that pump is broken. You’ll need to pull up to another pump.”

    Woman: “Oh, well you guys should really mark it better. I wasted a lot of time here!”

    Me: “Um…yes, we usually put a traffic cone in front.”

    Woman: “Oh yeah…I saw it, but I didn’t know what it was for, so I just drove over it.”

    (The cone was wedged under her car.)

    DE TING, DE TING!!!

    | Oregon, USA | Technology, Top

    (I worked tech support for a major software company, specifically with their digital media products. This call was about their video editing software.)

    Me: “Thanks for calling ***** tech support.

    (The customer gives me her info and has a thick accent I can’t place.)

    Me: “Great! What can I do for you?”

    Her: “Yes. I am trying to edit dees beedio, and eet’s blue and blue on de ting.”

    Me: “So…it’s blue, and blue…on the thing?”

    Her: “Yes.”

    Me: “Where is it blue?”

    Her: “On de ting.”

    Me: “By ‘thing,’ do you mean the Computer screen or your camera?”

    Her: “Yes…de ting.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I can’t see what you are looking at so you’ll have to tell me the name of the thing that is blue.”

    Her: *getting angry* “DE TING!!! Eeet’s BLUUUUE AN BLUUUEE ON DE TING!!!!”

    Me: “What exactly is blue? The video on your monitor? Are you outputting to TV? The viewfinder on your camera?”

    Her: “Yes.”

    Me: “Yes…which one?”

    Her: *yelling* “DE TING!!!!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry but I don’t understand where you are having a problem.”

    Her: “THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS!!! I SPEAK PERFECT ENGLISH!!! MY HUSBAND TAUGHT ME HE WILL BE VERY VERY ANGRY WIT YOU!!! I DEMAND RESPECT!!! HOW DARE YOU!!!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I agree. You speak english very very well. The problem I am having is you are not telling me where you are seeing blue video.”

    Her: “ON DE TIIIING!!!”

    (This exchange went on for a while before she got frustrated and hung up. The best part is, my call was being listened to by some higher level support guys. They created an internal troubleshooting document that appeared as follows:)

    PROBLEM: VIDEO IS BLUE AND BLUE ON THE THING

    SOLUTION: NONE AT THIS TIME

    TROUBLESHOOTING:
    >(TECH SUPPORT)IS THE THING BLUE? TRY REINSTALLING THE THING

    >(TECH SUPPORT) THING REINSTALLED. STILL BLUE

    >(ENGINEER) CANNOT RECREATE THING IN LAB.

    >(ENGINEER) PROBLEM ALMOST RECREATED. THING RED.

    (And so on and so on…)

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