July Theme Of The Month: Great Timing!

Category: Top

Scamming In Plain Sight

| Edmonton, AB, Canada | Top

(A customer ‘drops’ a brick, giving it a little chip. He then proceeds to join the line.)

Cashier: “Hello, sir, how can I help?”

Customer: “There’s a chip in this brick. I’d like to get a discount please.”

Cashier: “I’m sorry, sir, only cracks or serious fractures would warrant a discount on bricks. A chip won’t damage the function or stability of the brick.”

(The customer proceeds to lift up the brick and forcefully drops it on the ground.)

Customer: “Now it’s broken! Can I get a discount now?”

Cashier: “No, but you can sure as h*** pay for that.”

Just Another Day In Stonerville

| Chicago, IL, USA | Top

I work at a gourmet sandwich company. We can make sandwiches for delivery, pickup, or sit-down. We often get calls from a lot of stoners that want their sandwiches delivered. Probably for “munchies.” It’s about 4pm on Saturday when I get this call.

Me: “Welcome to Jimmy John’s, this is Molly. How can I help you?”

Stoner 1: “Hey…yeah…”

Me: “How can I help you today, sir?”

Stoner 1: “What?”

Me: “Would you like to order something?”

Stoner 1: “Yes…”

(After about two minutes of silence…)

Me: “Hello? Are you still there, sir?”

Stoner 1: “Yeah, I’m waiting for you to like, ask me what I want.”

Me: “…Okay, what would you like?”

Stoner 1: *tells me his order*

Me: “Would you like anything else with that?”

Stoner 1: “Yeah… get me a cookie.”

(At this point, I hear a plethora of other stoners in the background.)

Stoner 2: “Cookies!? Where?”

Stoner 1: *laughing* “Dude, I’m on the phone with the cookie company!”

(Now I can hear Stoner 2 grab the phone and he begins talking to me.)

Stoner 2: “Hey, cookie company? Make that two cookies!”

Stoner 3: “Four cookies! I want two!”

Stoner 2: “SIX COOKIES!”

Me *trying not to laugh* “Okay, sir, will that be all?”

Stoner 2: “Yeahhhhhh.”

Me: “Will that be for pickup or delivery?”

Stoner 2: “Delivery…” *gives address*

Stoner 1: “DUDE, WHAT IF SHE’S A NARC?”

Stoner 2: “Sh*t! You know that address I just gave you? I lied about it!”

(Now I decide to have a little fun with them, considering they wasted my time.)

Me: “Okay, but as a little treat, I’m going to have it delivered anyway. My car will be the one with red and blue flashing lights that reads P-O-L-I-C-E on the side.”

Stoner 2: “A car with lights? That’s awesome!”

Stoner 1: “Dude, she means the police!”

Stoner 2: “SH*T!” *click*

(We ended up delivering to them anyway, because TECHNICALLY they never canceled their order. Our delivery guy came back with the full order, telling us that someone answered the door to tell him no one was home.)

The Estrogen Empire Strikes Back

, | Calgary, Alberta, Canada | Bigotry, Top

(A customer had a complaint about his food. He refused to let the girl working the register help him.)

Man: “I want to talk to a manager.”

Female employee: “Yes, sir.”

(The employee gets a Shift Manager to help her.)

Shift Manager: “Can I help you, sir?”

Man: “No, I want a manager!”

Shift Manager: “I am a Shift Manager, sir.”

Man: “I want to see the Store Manager!”

Shift Manager: “Uhm, okay sir, I’ll be right back.”

(I was in the office working on the crew schedules for the next week. Sara comes in and asks me to deal with the customer. She didn’t need to explain. I’d heard it all… he was very loud. I went to help deal with the situation.)

Me: “Can I help you, sir?”

Man: “I want to see a f**king God-da** Manager! Where’s the @#$%ing Store Manager?”

Me: “I am the store Manager, Sir.”

Man: “I want to speak to a male manager!”

Me: “Sir, all of my Shift Managers are female. As, clearly, am I.”

(Actually, every person working that day was female.)

Man: “I demand to speak to your @#%^ @#$%$ #@$% boss!”

Me: “I can get you a number so you can call my District Manager, sir. Will that be okay?”

Man: “Finally! DO IT NOW!”

Me: “Yes, sir. Just a second.”

(I go into my office and grab one of the District Manager’s cards.)

Me: “Here you are, sir. If you give HER a call, I’m sure SHE will be happy to help you.”

(I thought he was going to have a heart attack after that. Purple was definitely not his color.)

Illogical Conclusions

| United Kingdom | Top

(One day a man broke into our staff-only area and stole mine and my colleague’s purses and phones. This exchange took place about two minutes after I disturbed the burglar and he ran past me. I was in a bad state of shock.)

Customer: “What’s happened?”

Me: “Someone has just broken into upstairs and stolen our purses and mobiles.”

Customer: “Well, you know why that is don’t you? It’s because your prices are so high!”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “Well if your prices weren’t so high then people wouldn’t need to do that.”

Me: “I’m sorry…you believe that because you think our stock is expensive that it gave someone the right to steal my personal possessions?”

(The customer then looked around her and noticed the rest of the queue staring at her in disbelief.)

Customer: “Well it’s not that I think…I mean…some might say…I…”

(She stuttered incoherently for a while and then paid for her items in silence.)

Next Customer: “What a complete fool! Are you alright, dear?”

I Tremble For Our Children

| Niagara Falls, NY, USA | Top

(A teacher calls me to her classroom. She is trying to project an image on a screen behind a student for a TV camera shot with the projector at eye level in front of the student.)

Teacher: “There is a shadow behind the student now. How can I get rid of that?”

Me: “You can’t. He is blocking the light from the projector from getting to the screen. You could put the projector behind the student, but the image would be smaller on the screen.”

Teacher: “Then what can we do?”

(I get the idea of holding a piece of paper over part of the lens of the projector to create a square area where the student stands where no light would shine. This gives the shadow a bit neater of a shape rather than a human shape.)

Me: “Here, hold this paper over the left side of the lens where the student is standing.”

(The teacher puts a piece of paper RIGHT IN FRONT of the students face.)

Me: “No, right by the lens so a square unlit area will be where the student is standing.”

(The teacher moves the piece of paper and puts it directly BEHIND the students head.)

Me: “No, here…”

(I put the piece of paper in front of the projector lens, leaving a nice square dark area on the screen where the student would stand.)

Teacher: “Well now there is a square there! There is no image directly behind the student, just around the student!”

Me: “Yeah, I know. There is nothing you can do about that, though. It’s the physics of light.”

Teacher: “What if I ask your boss? Think he could do it?”

Me: “No, he cannot bend light around objects.”

Teacher: “Why not?”

Me: “Because he’s not a black hole.”

Page 335/361First...333334335336337...Last