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    Ask And Ye Shall Receive

    | Houston, TX, USA | Top

    (December 24th, last day for Christmas shopping.)

    Customer: “Do you have a Nintendo Wii?”

    Me: “No sir, unfortunately we are all sold out.”

    Customer: “Why?”

    Me: “It’s just pretty much the top holiday item, sir, and we have been selling out of the Wiis non-stop since last November.”

    Customer: “When do you get them in?”

    Me: “I don’t know. Not until after February, probably.”

    Customer: “D**n it! I have kids you know! Show some sympathy!”

    Me: “So do probably 70 of the 100 people in line behind you, sir. Now is there anything else I can help you with?”

    Customer: “What if I slip you a $20?”

    Me: “What about, no.”

    Customer thinking I’m stupid: “Well, sell me the box you have right there up on the corner of your shelf, you liar!”

    Me: “I can’t sell it to you, but I guess I could give it to you for free if it makes you feel better. There’s nothing in there by the way…”

    (Customer apparently completely ignores that last line.)

    Customer: “HELL YEAH I GOT MYSELF A WII! HAHAHAHAHA MERRY CHRISTMAS SUCKERS!”

    (Crowd stands with death glares fixated on me and the guy.)

    Me: *hands him the box* “Merry Christmas…next person, please.”

    Customer: “WHAT THE F***! GOD D**N S**T! There’s nothing in this d**n box!”

    Customer behind him: “That’s because he said that was just a display box. He gave it to you just so you could be happy and you accepted it, moron!”

    (Crowd of customers returns to holiday mode.)

    Proof That God Is A Chinese Lady

    , | New Jersey, USA | Top

    Me: “We’re going to take you to the hospital.”

    Patient: “NO! I don’t wanna go there, they’ll arrest me!”

    State Trooper: “Did you do anything wrong?”

    Patient: “NO! I don’t wanna go to the hospital!”

    Me: “Well you’re pretty banged up. We have to take you for your own good.”

    Patient: “NO! The Chinese Lady is gonna stick an AIDS needle in my a**!”

    Me: “There are no Chinese ladies at this hospital.”

    Patient: “I’m scared! Last time I went to the hospital the Chinese lady stuck an AIDS needle in my a** and I bled out of my a**!”

    Me: “Don’t worry, we won’t let any Chinese ladies near you.”

    (We get to the hospital.)

    Me, to my partner: “Oh my God, his nurse is Chinese.”

    Patient, as we walk away: “STAY AWAY!”

    Bridezilla On Line 1

    , | High Desert, CA, USA | Top

    Me: “Thank you for calling [eye doctor's office], how can I help you?”

    Lady: “Hello, I want to check on the status of my glasses.”

    Me: “Okay, what is your full name?”

    Lady: “Lori Johnson, spelled L-O-R-I.”

    Me: “Okay, hold please.”

    (I check the computer for Lori Johnson and it doesn’t come up. I then check alternative spellings things like Laurie, Lory, Lauri, etc. All to no avail.)

    Me: “I’m sorry Miss, would you mind giving me your date of birth?”

    Lady: “12-21-1969.”

    (I do a search for that date of birth and one name comes up. Lori Smith.)

    Me: “Would you by chance be listed under any other name?”

    Lady: “NO!”

    Me: “Okay, I’ll try searching by address.”

    (She gives me her address and sure enough, it matches Lori Smith.)

    Me: “I seem to have you listed in our computer as ‘Lori Smith’.”

    Lady: “That’s not me.”

    Me: “Well the date of birth matches, as does the address. Would you like me to search by social security number?”

    Lady: “That’s not my name. I got married and my last name is Johnson now!”

    Me: “Oh I’m sorry, your insurance still has you listed as Smith so that’s how we got mixed up. You’ll probably want to call them.”

    Lady: “That’s no excuse.”

    Me: “I’m sorry. But there was no way for us to know you got married.”

    Lady: “It was in the newspaper!”

    Me: “Okaaaaaay.”

    You Know You’ve Had Too Much To Drink When …

    | Fairfax, VA, USA | Top

    Customer: “I’ll have a margarita please.”

    (I get a margarita and serve it to the woman.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, miss? Can I please have another margarita? This one doesn’t have enough quatilia in it.”

    Me: “Ma’am, your drink is strong, I can guarantee it.”

    Customer: “How do you know there is enough quatilia in this?”

    Me: “Because you said “quatilia.”

    Customer: “Yeah, and?”

    Me: “It’s called ‘tequila.’”

    (Customer face turns a nice shade of crimson.)

    How To Scam A Scammer, Part 3

    | Washington, DC, USA | Top

    Me: “Good evening, how may I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes, I placed a carry-out order there tonight and it’s all f***ed up!!”

    Me: “Ok ma’am, I’m sure we can resolve this.”

    Customer: “This always happens here.”

    Me: “Have you placed a lot of carry-out orders with us within the past few weeks?”

    Customer: “Yes, four in the past two weeks, and they were all wrong.”

    Me: “Well were they expensive items? Such as our 20oz porterhouse or our foie gras? Or were they cheaper items such as potato skins?”

    Customer: “Both. Mostly porterhouse steaks though. And I want free food to make up for all of this, and I want it delivered.”

    Me: “Well ma’am, I’d be happy to do that.”

    Customer: “You’d better be!”

    Me: “May I have your name, and address so I can have these delivered?”

    Customer: “Amy ***. My address is ***.”

    Me: “Thank you, ma’am. Just so you know, we have never carried a porterhouse steak, or foie gras. Nor have we had potato skins in the past 5 years. By the way, we have not done carryout for 7 months. And to top it off the police will soon be heading over to that address that you so graciously gave to me; undermining a store keeper is a crime in this city. Have a nice night.”

    Related:
    How To Scam A Scammer, Part 2
    Lesson 1, How To Scam A Scammer


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