Featured Story:
  • Making False Bald Statements
    (1,336 thumbs up)
  • February Theme Of The Month: Hazardous Customers!
    Submit your story today!

    Category: Top

    Montgomery Scott’s Early Days At The Copy Shop

    | Kalamazoo, MI, USA | Top

    Customer: “My son is locked out of the house and I need to send him the key!”

    Me: “We can overnight the key and have it to him by 10:30am tomorrow morning. Shall we send the key to the neighbor’s house?”

    Customer: “No, he needs it right now! Why can’t I just fax it?”

    Me: “…Ma’am, you can’t fax a key.”

    Customer: “Why not? He’s locked out and needs the key!”

    Me: “Because a key is a three dimensional object, not a document.”

    (Customer stares at me.)

    Me: “Ma’am, is your fax machine in your house?”

    Customer: “Yes!”

    Me: “How will your son get into the house to get the key from the fax machine if he is locked out?”

    Customer: “D*mn it! You’re right! Well, thanks for your time!”

    Me: “I do what I can.”

    That’s Assuming If A Woodchuck Could Chuck Wood

    | Louisiana, USA | Top

    (This was my last week at a very lousy sales job working for a major jewelry manufacturer that deals exclusively with jewelers on a screened account basis.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling *****. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “I need a price check on a diamond.”

    (We go through a drawn out process of finding the stone he wants, a large carat, high grade diamond. I quote him the price in the system.)

    Customer: “That can’t be right! That’s too expensive!”

    Me: “It’s the price I have in the system, sir. If you like, we can look for a different piece?”

    Customer: “NO! It has to be that one! Are you sure that’s the right price?”

    Me: “Yes, sir.”

    Customer: “Are you absolutely certain?”

    Me: “Absolutely, sir.”

    Customer: “And that’s in dollars, right?”

    (At this point, I’m fed up and not really concerned with whether I get fired or not at this point. I answer in my most sincere deadpan.)

    Me: “No, sir. That’s in woodchucks. We deal exclusively in fresh, live woodchucks.”

    (I hear a bark of laughter from one of the call monitoring agents on the next row, which gets even louder when the customer asks if I’m serious.)

    Gotta Love Them DIY ‘Puters

    , | London, ON, Canada | Top

    (I was working in warranties for a large computer manufacturer, mostly with businesses but a few individuals came through on the line here and there.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling ***. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “My computer don’t work.”

    Me: “I’m sorry to hear that, ma’am. Can I get the serial number off of your CPU?”

    Customer: “My what?”

    Me: “The computer tower.”

    Customer: “Huh?”

    (I’ll spare you the agony but, I went on for about 3 more minutes trying to describe the CPU and getting nowhere.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t seem to be expressing myself well today. Can you describe to me all the computer parts on your desk? I’ll tell you which one the number I need is on.”

    Customer: “It’s just a keyboard and a screen, like any other computer.”

    Me: “Oh, you have a laptop!”

    Customer: “A what?”

    Me: “A little computer you can take with you. The keyboard and screen fold together with a hinge in the middle, right?”

    Customer: “No, I don’t! I don’t know what is wrong with you computer people today. First the sales guy tries to sell me a bunch of sh*t I don’t need in this big box package and now you don’t even know what a computer is! Brand new today and it don’t even work.”

    Me: “So…you just bought a keyboard and a monitor?”

    Customer: “What’d I need all the rest uh’ that sh*t in the box for? This was way cheaper! I ain’t stupid!”

    Me: “…”

    Like Comic Book Guy, Except Much Prettier

    , | Missouri, USA | Top

    (Background: I’m the only female employee at the comic/card shop, and I was hired for my comic knowledge.)

    Customer, to my male co-worker: “Did Booster Gold have a series before the new series?”

    (Male coworker looks to me because he’s the card guy.)

    Me: “Yeah. Early nineties. We’ve got a couple of back issues in the dollar box.”

    Customer, to my male coworker: “So you guys have it?”

    Coworker: “If she says we have it, we have it.”

    Customer, finally looking at me: “Oh, you know about comics?”

    Me: “That’s why they hired me.”

    Customer: “But you’re a girl!”

    Denial By Way Of Refund

    | West Palm Beach, FL, USA | Top

    Me: “Hi, how are you? How may I help you?”

    Lady: “Yes, I’d like return this pregnancy test.”

    Me: “Okay, what’s wrong with it?”

    Lady: “It came out positive.”

    Me: *confused* “Okay?”

    Lady: “I can’t be pregnant, so this test MUST be defective. I want to return it.”

    (For anyone who doesn’t know, it is very rare for a pregnancy test to mistake a positive pregnancy. A negative, yes, positive, no.)

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but you can’t return a pregnancy test you’ve already used.

    Lady: What do you mean I can’t return it?!? It’s wrong! I want to see your manager!”

    (So I go to the back to see my manager who is a woman, and explain about the lady. We return to the front.)

    Manager: “Hello, what may I help you with?”

    Lady: “YES! I want to return this pregnancy test! It came out positive and I just can’t be pregnant! It’s wrong and I want my money back!”

    Manager: “Ma’am, I’m sorry. We can’t refund you on the test because it came out positive.”

    Lady: “NO! I insist I get my money back!”

    Manager, getting frustrated: “Ma’am! I’m sorry but we cannot and will not refund you your money just because it came out positive. Congratulations on your new baby!”

    Page 332/359First...330331332333334...Last