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    Virgin Galactic, Eat Your Heart Out

    | Orlando, FL, USA | Top

    (I’m a flight attendant, and was doing my pre-takeoff check in the cabin. A man stops me and gestures to the small digital camera sitting in the seat next to him.)

    Passenger: “Is it ok if my camera is here for the flight?”

    Me: “Sure, sir. That will be fine.”

    Passenger: “But shouldn’t I put it in the overhead bin?”

    Me: “It should be fine there, but if you’re worried about it falling on the floor during landing you could put it in the overhead bin.”

    Passenger: “But after takeoff, won’t it start floating around the cabin?”

    Me: “Well, sir, just hold on to it. Once we slingshot around the moon, it will be fine.”

    We Love You Too

    , | Pizzeria | Top

    (It was literally 3 minutes before closing time, and someone called us.)

    Drunk Customer: “Ehhhhhh hello?”

    Me: “Sir, we are at closing time.”

    Drunk Customer: “Oh… well, can I have a large cheese pizza and a cheeseburger?”

    Me: “Sir, it is closing time. We’re done for the day. And we don’t serve burgers.”

    Drunk Customer: “Okay, can you just…uuuhhhhh…make me a pizza really fast then?”

    Me: “Sir, I’m sorry, but we’re closing.”

    Drunk Customer: “COME ON! IT’S 10 PM, I’M HUNGRY, AND ALL I WANT IS A PIZZA!”

    Me: “Sir, it’s 10:01. We are closed.”

    Drunk Customer: *unusually calm* “Okay…I’ll go to McDonald’s.”

    Me: “Good night, sir.”

    Drunk Customer: “Good night…I love you…” *hangs up*

    (Quite frankly, it made my day.)

    Must Be From Orange County

    | Catalina Island, CA | Top

    Me: “How can I help you today?”

    Customer: “What time does the island close?”

    Me: “Close? It doesn’t close. It isn’t like Disneyland, sir. People live here.”

    Customer: “Don’t lie to me. I’ve been walking around, and those houses are too small for anyone to live in.”

    Me: “Sir, I live in one of those houses.”

    Customer’s wife: “No, honey, she can’t break character.” *winks at me* “I get it.”

    Customer: “But really, when do you close?”

    Me: “I’m not ‘in character.’ This is an actual town, with actual people living in it. It doesn’t close.”

    Customer’s wife: “Don’t treat us like we’re children, just tell us when.”

    Me: *sigh* “5 o’clock, ma’am. Have a nice day.”

    If Nincompoop, Then Infinite Loop

    | Ottawa, ON, Canada | Top

    (I was walking a customer through setting up a fairly complex product.)

    Customer: “Next or back?”

    Me: “Next.”

    Customer: “Okay, now next or back?”

    Me: “We do not need to change any of the default settings, so we will be hitting next on the next 7 or 8 screens in a row. Let me know when another option other then next or back appears.”

    Customer: *obviously not getting it* “Okay, now do I hit next or back?”

    Me: “Hit next, and also hit next on the following 5 or 6 pages until there is no more next button.”

    Customer: “Okay, I clicked next. Now do I hit next or back?”

    (At this point I am going insane and decide to have a little fun.)

    Me: “Click back.”

    Customer: “Okay, now next or back?”

    Me: “Click next.”

    Customer: “Okay, next or back?”

    Me: “Click back.”

    Customer: “Okay, next or back?”

    Me: “Click next.”

    Customer: “Okay, next or back?”

    Me: “Click back.”

    (This goes on for a few minutes until the customer realises what’s going on. Or so I thought…)

    Customer: “I think it’s broken, it keeps looping through the same pages!”

    A Whale Of A Story

    | Alaska, USA | Top

    Tourist: “Are you from here?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Tourist: “We are here to see the whales.”

    Me: “Oh, that sounds exciting.”

    Tourist: “So is there some little place known only to locals where you can watch the whales lay their eggs?”

    Me: *trying not to die laughing* “Um…yes there is, but we really aren’t supposed to tell the tourists.”

    Tourist: “Come on, please? We’ve come a long way. There’s big tip in it for you.”

    Me: “Well, okay. If you go down to the beach around 2am, make really loud whale calls and wave your arms around, it will make them feel welcome. They will swim up to you, dig a hole in the sand with their fins and lay their eggs.”

    (I always wondered if she went.)

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