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    Category: Top

    Effective Excuses, Vol. 1

    | Edinburgh, Scotland, UK | Top

    (A female comes into the bar and asks to use the toilets.)

    Me: “Sorry, toilets are for customer use only.”

    Her: “I just started my period. If you don’t let me use the toilet, I’m going to bleed all over your floor.”

    Me: “First door on the left.”

    Stupidity Exemplified

    | Niagara Falls, NY, USA | Top

    (I was working in the seasonal section of a large bulk retail chain. It was Christmas time and we sold large sets of decorative houses with lights in them.)

    Customer: “Hi, I would like to purchase one of these…” *points to a house set* “…but there aren’t anymore underneath it. Where are the others stored?”"

    (I use my price gun to check the quantities of said item.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, it appears we are sold out.”

    Customer: “Oh, well then I’ll just take this one.” *points to the display unit*

    Me: “Oh, that’s just a display unit. That one isn’t for sale.”

    Customer: “Why not?”

    Me: “Well, this is one of those specific items that we are given a temporary display unit from the vendor that we have to send back at the end of the season.”

    Customer: “So why can’t I buy it?”

    Me: “Well, it’s not ours to sell. It is rented from the people who made the set.”

    Customer: “I don’t understand why I can’t buy it!”

    Me: “It does not belong to us. We cannot sell what does not belong to us.”

    Customer: “Why not?”

    Me: “…what kind of car do you drive?”

    Customer: “A 2000 Focus, why?”

    Me, to a passing customer: “Sir, would you like to buy a 2000 Focus?”

    Customer: “What are you doing?”

    Me: “Selling your car.”

    Customer: “Why? It’s MY car!”

    Me: “Well, I didn’t think ownership made a difference to you.”

    (She then stormed off to talk to a manager who told her I would be taken care of. He then proceeded to buy me a piece of pizza for making his day.)

    The Joy Of Sex(ism)

    | Reykjavik, Iceland | Top

    (I’m a 28 year old female and work for a computer store. I’m alone in the store when a middle-aged man walks in.)

    Me: “Hi there, can I help you?”

    Customer: “Are there any computer guys around here?”

    Me: “Just me at the moment, anything I can help you with?”

    Customer: *tries to look behind me to the stock room and repair area* “Well, aren’t there any computer GUYS here?”

    Me: “No. Look, is there anything I can help you with?”

    Customer: “Well um…I need this fixed.” *holds a multimedia
    jukebox*

    Me: “Well, I work in repairs as well so just tell me what’s wrong with it and I’ll take a look at it for you.”

    Customer: “Listen, I just need to talk to a computer guy! I did everything right. I put the hard disk in but it still won’t work. Just get a guy to fix it!”

    Me: “Well, the most common mistake is when people forget to format the hard disk. I can have that fixed in 5 minutes.”

    Customer: “Yeah sure. Get one of the tech GUYS to do it and call me when it’s ready.”

    Me: “Sure, no problem.”

    (I went back and of course he hadn’t formatted the disk. I fix it and call the guy who shows up immediately.)

    Me: “Here you go. As I thought you had just forgotten to format the disk. I did that for you and it’s working fine now.”

    Customer: “No, that can’t have been the problem. I KNOW computers.”

    Me: “Well, this isn’t a computer, and it’s a common mistake to make when you put the hard disk in yourself. Anyway, I fixed it for you so everything should be fine now.”

    Customer: “Look, isn’t there a computer GUY I could talk to?”

    Me: *losing will to live and considering a sex change*

    Lieutenant BSOD, Reporting For Duty

    | Nova Scotia, Canada | Technology, Top

    (Back story: the customer was getting a blue screen of death on their computer.)

    Me: “Hello, thank you for calling tech support. How can I help you today?”

    Customer: “I was wondering if you could tell me who general failure is and why he is trying to read the C drive on my computer?”

    Me: “Ummm…excuse me?”

    Customer: “I said that some guy named General Failure is reading my C drive.”

    Me: “How did you come to this conclusion?”

    Customer: “When I booted up my computer I get a big blue screen that says “General failure reading drive C,” and I demand to know who this person is!”

    Me: *stifling laughter* “Okay, if you don’t mind I am going to place you on hold for about 10 minutes while I do an investigation as to who this person is…”

    (I placed customer on hold and told my co-workers. We laughed our asses off for 10 minutes.)

    Me: “Thank you for holding. I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is I was able to find some information for you. The bad news is that I wasn’t able to confirm who this ‘General Failure’ is; I am sure he doesn’t work for us. The other thing is that your hard drive is fried, and I would advise you to try to pull any data you can off the drive and invest in a new one. Is there anything else I can do for you today?”

    Customer: “Um…no thank you.”

    (Customer hangs up and we laugh our asses off some more.)

    Tomorrow’s Leaders, Indeed

    , | Central Illinois, USA | Top

    (I work tech support for a university, and our help desk supports faculty/staff only. On this day, a student walks in.)

    Student: “I’m here to turn in my paper.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, this is the *** Faculty Help Desk, we don’t deal with student assignments.”

    Student: “But I don’t know where to turn it in. Can’t you just turn it in for me?”

    Me: “No, if you don’t know where to turn it in, I would certainly not have a clue.”

    Student: “But can’t you just take it?”

    Me: “No. If you’re really that confused, contact your professor or go to the department office. I’m sure they can help you.”

    Student: “But can’t you just take it?”

    Me: *blinks in disbelief* “Um…”

    Student: “Please, take it!”

    Me: “Ok.”

    (I proceed to take it and place it in the recycle bin in front of her.)

    Student: “Thank you so much!”

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