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    The Joys Of Self Righteousness

    | Unknown Location, USA | Top

    Woman: “Hello, I’d like to report a ticket.”

    Me: “I beg your pardon?”

    Woman: “I want to report a speeding ticket.”

    Me: “I don’t really have the ability to write tickets over the phone.”

    Woman: “He’s speeding down the road; he must be doing 90mph!”

    Me: “Generally at this time of day we have patrols on every major street.”

    Woman: “I caught up to him and he is doing about 102. His license number is ******.

    (I pretend to write it down so I can end this phone call.)

    Me: “Thank you ma’am, I’ll get right on mailing this-”

    Woman: “Did it come up?”

    Me: “Yes it did.”

    Woman: “What did it say?”

    Me: “It says the car is stolen.” (It didn’t.)

    Woman: “Oh my god!”

    Me: “And what is your Driver’s License Number?”

    Woman: “Why do you need that?”

    Me: “You are aware it is illegal to drive and talk on your cellphone, right?”

    Woman: *click*

    Behind Every Husband Is A Brutally Honest Wife

    | Louisville, KY, USA | Top

    (I go to a table of four, a mom and dad and two kids who are ready to order.)

    Husband: “How big are your pizzas?”

    Me: “They are 10 inch pizzas, sir.”

    Husband: “Well how big is 10 inches?

    (And before I can answer, the wife chimes in.)

    Wife: “You wouldn’t know anything about 10 inches, dear.”

    (I stood there for a moment with my mouth open, before I ran to the wait station and started laughing hysterically.)

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic.

    Might I Also Suggest A Dictionary

    | Cincinnati, OH, USA | Top

    Customer: “Hi. I need a threesis.”

    Clerk: “A…pardon?

    Customer: “You know–a threesis. It has other words that mean the same as the word you look up.”

    Clerk: “Oh…do you mean a thesaurus?”

    Customer: “Duh! That’s a dinosaur! I need a threesis!”

    That’s, Like, Mean

    | Oregon, USA | Top

    Student: “So, like, um, you wrote on my paper that I wrote like, I, like spoke…but you only gave me 2 out of 10 points.

    Me: “You used ‘like’ 56 times and ‘that’ 87.”

    Student: “Um, why is that a problem??”

    Me: “It was a 2 page writing assignment.”

    Student: “So…um…since I talked with you, um…can I have some more points?”

    Perhaps A Little Bit Too Free

    | Ventura, CA, USA | Top

    (Woman walks in totally nude and grabs a muffin. She has a large, rather offensive tattoo from her bottom rib up her neck.)

    Me: “Ma’am, you can’t just take those…”

    Nudist: “Why, because of the tattoo?”

    Me: “No, because you need to pay for it first.”

    Nudist: “It’s a free country!” *walks out*

    (I ended up pulling out my wallet and paying for it myself, because getting arrested for chasing a nude chick down the street is not worth it.)


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