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    Category: Top

    If Nincompoop, Then Infinite Loop

    | Ottawa, ON, Canada | Top

    (I was walking a customer through setting up a fairly complex product.)

    Customer: “Next or back?”

    Me: “Next.”

    Customer: “Okay, now next or back?”

    Me: “We do not need to change any of the default settings, so we will be hitting next on the next 7 or 8 screens in a row. Let me know when another option other then next or back appears.”

    Customer: *obviously not getting it* “Okay, now do I hit next or back?”

    Me: “Hit next, and also hit next on the following 5 or 6 pages until there is no more next button.”

    Customer: “Okay, I clicked next. Now do I hit next or back?”

    (At this point I am going insane and decide to have a little fun.)

    Me: “Click back.”

    Customer: “Okay, now next or back?”

    Me: “Click next.”

    Customer: “Okay, next or back?”

    Me: “Click back.”

    Customer: “Okay, next or back?”

    Me: “Click next.”

    Customer: “Okay, next or back?”

    Me: “Click back.”

    (This goes on for a few minutes until the customer realises what’s going on. Or so I thought…)

    Customer: “I think it’s broken, it keeps looping through the same pages!”

    A Whale Of A Story

    | Alaska, USA | Top

    Tourist: “Are you from here?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Tourist: “We are here to see the whales.”

    Me: “Oh, that sounds exciting.”

    Tourist: “So is there some little place known only to locals where you can watch the whales lay their eggs?”

    Me: *trying not to die laughing* “Um…yes there is, but we really aren’t supposed to tell the tourists.”

    Tourist: “Come on, please? We’ve come a long way. There’s big tip in it for you.”

    Me: “Well, okay. If you go down to the beach around 2am, make really loud whale calls and wave your arms around, it will make them feel welcome. They will swim up to you, dig a hole in the sand with their fins and lay their eggs.”

    (I always wondered if she went.)

    Playing Along, Part 2

    | Idaho, USA | Top

    (I get a call for troubleshooting from a lady who says her remote doesn’t work.)

    Me: “Ok ma’am, could you try changing the channel for me? Tell me if a light flashes on the remote.”

    Lady: “Ok.”

    (There are a few loud beeps from her phone in my ear and she comes back on the line.)

    Lady: “Nope, no flashing.”

    Me: “Ma’am you’re trying to change the channel with your phone, not the remote control.”

    Lady: “I can’t find the clicker, and I know my neighbor changes channels with her phone.”

    Me: “Ma’am, that’s just not possible.”

    Lady: “Don’t accuse me of lying! I saw her do it with my own eyes.”

    Me: “…”

    (I try for 10 minutes to explain to her why she can’t use her phone, and even make a futile attempt to troubleshoot her phone.)

    Me: “Ok, well it looks like your satellite receiver isn’t compatible with your phone.”

    Lady: “Yes it is. My neighbor and I have the same phone and same receiver. NOW HELP ME, DUMBA**!”

    Me: “Ma’am, do you have a cordless phone?”

    Lady: “Yes!”

    Me: “Ok ma’am, let’s try reprogramming your phone. What I need you to do is press and hold the ‘off’ button for five seconds. This will clear the old code, so we can put the new one in.”

    Lady: “Ok—” *click*

    (I hear my supervisor a few rows away from me bust out laughing.)

    Related:
    Playing Along

    All Are Retail Slaves

    | North Bay, ON, Canada | Top

    (Note: I wasn’t actually an employee, I was just a regular customer walking around this store. A middle aged woman walks up to me.)

    Lady: “Excuse me, do you have any golf clubs?”

    Me: “Sorry, I don’t work here.”

    Lady: “But you look like you do…”

    Me: “Sorry, no…all the employees here have red vests and tags that say ***** ******* on them.”

    Lady: “But can you tell me where the golf clubs are?”

    Me: “No, I don’t even live in this town [which was true]. I am just looking around.”

    Lady: “Well, you’re no help. I might as well look in the other store.” *walks away in a huffy mood*

    Me, loudly: “MAYBE IF YOU PAID ME, I’D HELP!”

    Yes, They Really Are That Dumb

    | Valencia, CA, USA | Top

    (I have a line of guests at the front desk waiting to check in, but I can’t ignore the phone ringing. I saw that it was an inside call from a room and I answer it, hoping this will be quick. I’m used to stupid questions but this was the best.)

    Me: “Guest services, how may I help you?”

    Guest: “Yes, how do you work the television?”

    Me, without missing a beat: “There should be a remote control on the nighttable in between the two beds in your room. On it, there should be a circular orange button that says “POWER”. Push it and the TV should turn on.”

    (At this point, the young couple in front of me is laughing.)

    Guest: “Okay, what do I do then?”

    Me: “Well, once the TV is on, you can push the yellow arrow buttons that say ‘channel’ to find the station you’d like to watch. Would you like to know where the channel listing is in your room?”

    Guest: “No, but thanks. I’ll give it a try.”

    Me: “My pleasure.” *hangs up*

    Young couple, still laughing: “Are you serious?”

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