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    Category: Top

    Big Yellow Warning Bags Are Your Friend

    | Ames, IA, USA | Top

    (A girl pulls up to a gas pump. I’m watching her through the window from behind the cash register as she removes the OUT OF ORDER BAG placed over the pump (clearly marked, bright yellow bag) and throws it in the trash next to her. She plays around with it for a while and then walks toward the door.)

    Girl: “Your pumps aren’t working.”

    Me: “Go back outside, pull the bag that you just threw away out of the trash and read it. That should solve the problem.”

    Related:
    One-Woman Wrecking Crew

    Proof That Men Will Say Anything

    | Metrowest, MA, USA | Top

    (I’m a lesbian who works in a seedy area of my town, and I’m hit on constantly by these really old guys, or crackheads…or drunks…)

    Drunk guy: “Hey…are you single?”

    Me: “Nope. Gay too.”

    Drunk guy: “Oh. So you like women?”

    Me: “Yep.”

    Drunk guy: “I can be a woman!”

    Me: “I have standards.”

    (The drunk man leaves, and my coworker nearly pees herself laughing.)

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic.

    Virgin Galactic, Eat Your Heart Out

    | Orlando, FL, USA | Top

    (I’m a flight attendant, and was doing my pre-takeoff check in the cabin. A man stops me and gestures to the small digital camera sitting in the seat next to him.)

    Passenger: “Is it ok if my camera is here for the flight?”

    Me: “Sure, sir. That will be fine.”

    Passenger: “But shouldn’t I put it in the overhead bin?”

    Me: “It should be fine there, but if you’re worried about it falling on the floor during landing you could put it in the overhead bin.”

    Passenger: “But after takeoff, won’t it start floating around the cabin?”

    Me: “Well, sir, just hold on to it. Once we slingshot around the moon, it will be fine.”

    We Love You Too

    , | Pizzeria | Top

    (It was literally 3 minutes before closing time, and someone called us.)

    Drunk Customer: “Ehhhhhh hello?”

    Me: “Sir, we are at closing time.”

    Drunk Customer: “Oh… well, can I have a large cheese pizza and a cheeseburger?”

    Me: “Sir, it is closing time. We’re done for the day. And we don’t serve burgers.”

    Drunk Customer: “Okay, can you just…uuuhhhhh…make me a pizza really fast then?”

    Me: “Sir, I’m sorry, but we’re closing.”

    Drunk Customer: “COME ON! IT’S 10 PM, I’M HUNGRY, AND ALL I WANT IS A PIZZA!”

    Me: “Sir, it’s 10:01. We are closed.”

    Drunk Customer: *unusually calm* “Okay…I’ll go to McDonald’s.”

    Me: “Good night, sir.”

    Drunk Customer: “Good night…I love you…” *hangs up*

    (Quite frankly, it made my day.)

    Must Be From Orange County

    | Catalina Island, CA | Top

    Me: “How can I help you today?”

    Customer: “What time does the island close?”

    Me: “Close? It doesn’t close. It isn’t like Disneyland, sir. People live here.”

    Customer: “Don’t lie to me. I’ve been walking around, and those houses are too small for anyone to live in.”

    Me: “Sir, I live in one of those houses.”

    Customer’s wife: “No, honey, she can’t break character.” *winks at me* “I get it.”

    Customer: “But really, when do you close?”

    Me: “I’m not ‘in character.’ This is an actual town, with actual people living in it. It doesn’t close.”

    Customer’s wife: “Don’t treat us like we’re children, just tell us when.”

    Me: *sigh* “5 o’clock, ma’am. Have a nice day.”

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