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    Category: Top

    Mega Moochers, Inc.

    | Abu Dhabi, UAE | Top

    We are a Specialist Inspection company. Over two years ago, we did a job at short notice for another company that could not supply the service. They refused to pay us the US$40,000 despite getting paid by the client (and making a decent profit) and we were in the process of taking them to court to get payment.

    They were making the matter even more drawn out than normal by messing the court about, not turning up, etc. I recently got a phone call from their operations manager.

    Customer: “Ah, Mr. A***, we need you to do an urgent job for us.”

    Me: “…but you still owe us $40,000 from the last job we did for you.”

    Customer: “What about the good relationship between our companies?

    Me: “We don’t have a good relationship. We are taking you to court over this, remember?”

    Customer: “Please Mr. A***, that is all in the past. Can we not work together, for the good of the relationship?”

    Me: “The last time I saw you, you lied to me. Your manager has only ever lied to me. You owe us $40,000 dollars. We are taking you to court. How can we have a good relationship?”

    Customer: “We must work together, to build a good relationship.”

    Me: “What about our money?”

    Customer: “You are always going on about the money! Why can’t we have a good relationship?”

    Me: “It’s not going to happen.”

    Customer: “See, that is why we need a good relationship!”

    Me: “Goodbye.”

    Customer: “But what ab–” *click*

    Fun With Idle Threats

    | Sao Paulo, Brazil | Top

    Me: “Good afternoon, who am I talking to?”

    Customer: “It’s the tenth time I’m calling in! Please just transfer me already.”

    Me: “Who am I talking to?”

    Customer: “It’s ***. Now transfer me to the right section.”

    Me: “…how may I help you?”

    Customer: “Jesus, are you dumb? I just want you to transfer my call to someone who can actually help me.”

    Me: “I’m not transferring your call until you tell me what’s going on, ma’am.”

    Customer: “It’s my statement. It’s wrong and I want a refund. Now transfer this call.”

    Me: “What’s your cellphone number with the area code?”

    Customer: “Just transfer this already. I’m responsible for your paycheck!”

    *OH SNAP*

    Me: “Alright. Do you have your statement in your hands?”

    Customer: “Yeah. Transfer the call!”

    Me: “Please check if you see my name in your statement.”

    *silence*

    Me: “Ma’am?”

    Customer: “Yeah…”

    Me: “Please check if you see my name in your statement.”

    *silence*

    Me: “Does it?”

    Customer: “No!”

    Me: “So you have nothing to do with my paycheck, I guess. Plus, you haven’t paid your last one and I still got my paycheck. Now, can I please check some information before transferring the call?”

    Customer: *sighs* “Yeah, okay…”

    Well Played, Indeed

    , | North Dakota, USA | Top

    (This is a friend’s experience while working at a popular fast food place on the overnight shift.)

    Employee: “Thanks for calling, how may I help you?”

    Customer: “Hi. I came through drive-thru earlier tonight, and there’s something wrong with my food.”

    Employee: “Um, okay…what’s wrong exactly?”

    Customer: “Well, I ordered ***, and there was a used condom on the sandwich.”

    Employee, holding in a laugh: “Sir, that’s impossible. We don’t practice safe sex here.”

    Customer: “Well played.” *hangs up*

    Creative Ways To Use Google Earth

    , | Tampa, FL, USA | Top

    Me: “Thank you for calling [bank], may I please have your 16-digit account number?”

    Customer: “I can’t.”

    Me: “That’s fine, may I please have your SS number so I’m able to find you?”

    Customer: “No!”

    Me: “How can I help you today?”

    Customer: “I need my balance right now!”

    Me: “Okay, I can help you with that, but I need to be able to look you up in the computer. Do you have your account number or your social security number?”

    Customer: “I’m on a cell phone. I can’t give you that, it’s not SECURE!”

    Me: “Umm…okay? Would you like to call us back on a land line so that your call is more ‘secure’?”

    Customer: “I’m busy! Can’t you just give me my balance?”

    Me: “I can as soon as I’m able to look you up in the computer. How would you like me to do that?”

    Customer: “I’m not going to do your job for you! Now tell me my balance!”

    (At this point, I’ve had enough.)

    Me: “Okay, sir. Do you have your credit card with you?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “Can you please take it out of your wallet and hold it above your head?”

    Customer: “Okay, I’m doing that.”

    Me: “Thank you, may I please put you on hold while I contact NASA to move the satellite to your location and send us a picture?”

    Customer: “Okay, just don’t take too long about it!”

    (I place the customer on hold and go on break. Surprisingly, he’s still there when I get back.)

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, we were unable to read the picture. Did you move at all?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I put it back in my wallet.”

    Me: “Okay, that’s the problem. Could you please just read it to me so I can look up your balance?”

    Customer: “NO, I TOLD YOU I’M ON A CELL PHONE AND IN A HURRY!” *customer hangs up*

    (My boss didn’t know if I should be fired or given a award.)

    Shoulda Filled It With Apples

    , | Tampa, FL, USA | Top

    Customer: “I want to return this computer.”

    Me: “Ok, I can help you with that. Where is it?”

    (The customer puts a badly damaged computer box on the counter. I open the box and find that it’s filled with oranges.)

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, I’m unable to accept this for return.”

    Customer: “When I opened the box, it was filled with oranges! I want my money back.”

    Me: “Can I see your receipt?”

    (The customer hands me a hand written receipt from a generic receipt book.)

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, this is not a store receipt. I’m unable to accept this.”

    Customer: “The guy I bought it from said he got it here for $99 dollars and if I didn’t like it, I could return it here. I want my money back, I got ripped off!”

    Me: “Sir, I apologize that you gave this guy your money, but it seems he gave you a box of oranges and a fake receipt. I’m unable to help you…”

    (At this point customer gets very loud and starts throwing oranges around the store. Someone calls the police and he is eventually arrested. To this day, I’m unsure if I should laugh or feel sorry for the guy.)

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