October Theme Of The Month: Halloween!

Category: Top

A Nasty Case Of Selective Hearingitis

| Salt Lake City, UT, USA | Top

(I was working for the billing department for a big cable company. I speak English clearly, but it’s my second language.)

Lady: “I just got my bill and it says I owe you $400 in adult films, but I haven’t watched them.”

Me: “I apologize for the inconvenience, but we got that information from your receiver. Do you think maybe somebody in your house might ordered them?”

Lady: “No, there’s only me and my nephew.”

Me: “How old is your nephew?”

Lady: “He’s 14 years old, but he would never do that! I need you to credit my account for the whole amount.”

Me: “Again, I apologize for the inconvenience but I won’t be able to do this at this time. I see we have credited your account twice in the last six months.”

Lady: “I need the credit NOW, you hear me!”

Me: “I understand your frustration, but as I told you before it’s impossible for me to do that at this moment.”

Lady: “What? What did you say? I can’t understand you… you have a really thick accent!”

Me: “I apologize, I said I won’t be able to credit your account at this time.”

Lady: “What? You need to learn English before you get on the phones. I can’t understand a word you said!”

Me: “Okay… so would you like me to credit your account for 600 dollars?”

Lady: “Yes, that’s what I’m asking for! THANK YOU…”

Me: “Oh, so now you understand my English. Sorry, we cannot credit your account at this time.”

Lady: “Let me speak to a supervisor!”

A Nasty Case Of Selective Illiteracyosis

Guess Whose Picture Is Next To “Pyrrhic”

| Little Neck, NY, USA | Top

(We sell milk for 2.99 a gallon. Some kid pulled the “.” and the “9” off so it says 29 dollars. Not surprisingly, a lady comes in to buy a gallon and hands me thirty dollars.)

Me: “Ma’am, you just gave me a twenty and 10 singles to buy milk. It’s only $2.99.”

Lady: “Well that’s not what the sign says! it says 29 dollars!”

Me: “But ma’am, you’re paying more money than it actually costs.”

Lady: “I don’t care how much it costs! Just do your job and give me my f**king milk for 29 dollars!”

Me: “Okay, If that’s what you want…” *gives her a dollar back*

Lady: “Thank you! If you had just done your job I would’ve been out of here by now!”

Me: “Have a great day!”

Bang Head Here

| London, UK | Top

Me: “Hello, technical support, how can I help?”

Customer: “I don’t know what’s wrong with my computer. Can you tell me?”

Me: “Well… can you explain what’s wrong?”

Customer: “Your job is to tell me what’s wrong.”

Me: “Yes, but unless you help me I can’t tell you what is wrong.”

Customer: “Why? Can’t you guess what’s wrong?”

(I have decided a this point whatever is wrong will be something stupid.)

Me: “Okay, maybe you can’t turn your computer on because it hasn’t got any power.”

Customer: *angrily* “DO YOU THINK I’M STUPID?”

(Suddenly, the customer calms down.)

Customer: “Sorry, you were wrong. It’s plugged in and the light is green. Can you guess what’s wrong? It’s still black on the screen.”

Me: “Well, is your screen on?”

Customer: “Yes, I just said it was. It’s just black!”

Me: “Right click.”

Customer: “Hey, it worked… oh, it was a screensaver. Couldn’t you have guessed it was that at the start?”

Me: *thud thud thud*

Customer: “What was that?”

Me: “Guess.”

Liar Liar On The Telephone (Wire)

| Warner Robins, GA, USA | Top

Me: “Hello, [company name], how may I help you?”

Caller: “Yes, I would like to speak to [company president’s first name].”

Me: “May I ask who is calling?”

Caller: “This is Joe. He is expecting my call.”

Me: “… and you are with?”

Caller: “Just put me through, he knows me and is expecting me to call.”

Me: “I am sorry sir, but my instructions are to find out who is calling and what company they are with before transferring the call.”

Caller: “Look, I am his brother and you better put me through right now!”

Me: “Oh really? Well, I am his sister and I know for a fact that we don’t have a brother.”

Caller: *click*

(Salesmen will say anything to get through. And yes, I am the CEO’s sister.)

Liar Liar Panties On Fire

Even Paranoid Racist Nutjobs Have Bad Days

| Lake Mary, FL, USA | Top

(Note: The cell phone provider I worked for does not have call centers outside of North America.They have some in Canada, but that is irrelevant to the following transaction.)

Me: “Thank you for calling C*** Wireless. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I want a credit to my account.”

Me: “Well, I can certainly see what I can do for you sir. What seems to be the issue?”

Customer: “Where am I calling currently?”

Me: “Customer service, sir…?”

Customer: “Where are you located?”

Me: “Lake Mary, Florida.”

Customer: “I want a credit because the last person I spoke to from your company was in India.”

Me: “Sir, we don’t have call centers in India. All our call centers are in North America.”

Customer: “Well, the person I just spoke with had a very heavy middle eastern accent and told me his name was Sam. Now I know he was lying to me, so I want a credit applied to my bill!”

Me: “Sir, this is the United States of America. There are many people in this nation with varying accents. I cannot credit you for speaking to an American with an accent.”

Customer: “I want to talk to your supervisor!”

Me: “Sir, I would be more than happy to allow you to speak with my supervisor. His name is Muhammed Alam… we call him ‘Moe’ for short. ”

Customer: *click*

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