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    Category: Top

    Lesson Of The Day: Food Poisoning = Bad

    , | Austin, TX, USA | Top

    (Note: the FDA recently recalled tomatoes because of a salmonella outbreak.)

    Me: “… and what veggies would you like on your sandwich?”

    Customer: “Lettuce, tomato and onion, that’s all. And some mayo.”

    Me: “Sorry, ma’am, we’re not selling tomatoes right now, but I’ll put the rest of that on for you.”

    Customer: “What? Why can’t I have tomatoes?”

    Me: “Because the FDA is worried that they may be contaminated with salmonella and until we’re sure that ours are safe, we’re not allowed to sell them.”

    Customer: “Your tomatoes are contaminated?! How can you sell tomatoes that are contaminated? That’s disgusting! I can’t believe you!”

    Me: “Ma’am we’re *NOT* selling them.”

    Customer: “Well, why the h*** not?!”

    Me: “Because the FDA says they might not be safe and we don’t want our customers to get sick.”

    Customer: “Well, that’s stupid. I want tomatoes.”

    Me: “Alright, ma’am, but I suggest you leave off the mayonnaise, then.”

    Customer: “Umm… okay, why?”

    Me: “It tends to taste bad when mixed with salmonella.”

    Born To Offend

    | Pittsburgh, PA, USA | Top

    Me: “Hello, ma’am. How may I help you?”

    Woman: “Oh, when is your baby due?”

    Me: “I’m not pregnant, ma’am, just fat.”

    Woman: “That’s very rude, you know. Pretending to be pregnant just so people can be nice to you!”

    Me: *gritting teeth* “I am not pretending anything, ma’am, I promise you. Now, how may I help you?”

    Woman: “No! You are a liar, and I am going somewhere where non-lying people can help me!”

    Me: “Thank you ma’am, and have a nice day.”

    Woman: “LIAR!”

    … And They Say The Post Office Is Slow

    | Troy, NY, USA | Top

    (A customer is buying a stamp for a letter shortly after the 2007 price increase.)

    Customer: “Why can’t I get a 39 cent stamp? You still have them.”

    Me: “We still have them in stock, but we have to make up the difference with 2 cent stamps. Don’t worry, we’ll stick the right amount on for you.”

    Customer: “I just want a 39 cent stamp.”

    Me: “Okay, but your letter will not get there.”

    Customer: “Just give me it!”

    (The customer takes the stamp, affixes it, and tosses the letter into the slot. I promptly pick up the letter from the bin and stamp it “Insufficient Postage, Return To Sender”.)

    Visions Of Dogs Chasing Their Own Tails

    | Chicago, IL, USA | Top

    Customer: “This electronic key does not work in my car.”

    Me: “Does it turn in the ignition?”

    Customer: “Yes, but it will not start.”

    (I put the original and copy key in my magic decoder box and they check out fine.)

    Me: “Well, let me have a look… where is your car?”

    Customer: “At home.”

    Me: “Well, you have to drive it here.”

    Customer: “But the key does not work.”

    Me: “Use your original key.”

    Customer: “That does not work either.”

    Me: “Okay, let me explain how this works. I make a copy of your key. If your key does not work, then the new key will not work either.”

    Customer: “What?”

    Me: “Let me put it like this. If you copy a paper with misspelled words the copier will not correct the spelling, because it’s a copy! What happens when you try the key?”

    Customer: “The dash says ‘Code not found’.”

    Me: “Well, then the problem is the car, not the key. It is not reading the code on the key.”

    Customer: “So make me another.”

    Me: “The problem is the car. Are you going to pay when the next one does not work?”

    Customer: “No, I’m not going to pay for a key that does not work!”

    Me: “So you want me to keep making keys for you until one works or I run out of them. But you will not pay for any of the keys that do not work even though the problem is your car, not the key.”

    Customer: “Yep.”

    Me: “Sorry, I’m just not that stupid.”

    Related:
    Mission, Impossible

    Catastrophe Averted

    , | Trenton, ON, Canada | Top

    (I work at a fast food restaurant and was taking money. My co-worker was taking drive-thru orders right beside me.)

    Coworker: “Hi there, welcome to ***. What can I get for you today?”

    Customer: “Give me one ranch wrap. That’s all.”

    Coworker: “Would you like your wrap crispy or grill?”

    Customer: “No, I want it ranch.”

    Coworker: “Yes, but would you like the chicken crispy or grilled?”

    Customer: “RANCH!”

    Coworker: “CRISPY OR GRILLED?”

    Customer: “LISTEN TO ME, YOU LITTLE SH–oh, um, crispy…”

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