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    Visions Of Dogs Chasing Their Own Tails

    | Chicago, IL, USA | Top

    Customer: “This electronic key does not work in my car.”

    Me: “Does it turn in the ignition?”

    Customer: “Yes, but it will not start.”

    (I put the original and copy key in my magic decoder box and they check out fine.)

    Me: “Well, let me have a look… where is your car?”

    Customer: “At home.”

    Me: “Well, you have to drive it here.”

    Customer: “But the key does not work.”

    Me: “Use your original key.”

    Customer: “That does not work either.”

    Me: “Okay, let me explain how this works. I make a copy of your key. If your key does not work, then the new key will not work either.”

    Customer: “What?”

    Me: “Let me put it like this. If you copy a paper with misspelled words the copier will not correct the spelling, because it’s a copy! What happens when you try the key?”

    Customer: “The dash says ‘Code not found’.”

    Me: “Well, then the problem is the car, not the key. It is not reading the code on the key.”

    Customer: “So make me another.”

    Me: “The problem is the car. Are you going to pay when the next one does not work?”

    Customer: “No, I’m not going to pay for a key that does not work!”

    Me: “So you want me to keep making keys for you until one works or I run out of them. But you will not pay for any of the keys that do not work even though the problem is your car, not the key.”

    Customer: “Yep.”

    Me: “Sorry, I’m just not that stupid.”

    Related:
    Mission, Impossible

    Catastrophe Averted

    , | Trenton, ON, Canada | Top

    (I work at a fast food restaurant and was taking money. My co-worker was taking drive-thru orders right beside me.)

    Coworker: “Hi there, welcome to ***. What can I get for you today?”

    Customer: “Give me one ranch wrap. That’s all.”

    Coworker: “Would you like your wrap crispy or grill?”

    Customer: “No, I want it ranch.”

    Coworker: “Yes, but would you like the chicken crispy or grilled?”

    Customer: “RANCH!”

    Coworker: “CRISPY OR GRILLED?”

    Customer: “LISTEN TO ME, YOU LITTLE SH–oh, um, crispy…”

    A Nasty Case Of Selective Hearingitis

    | Salt Lake City, UT, USA | Top

    (I was working for the billing department for a big cable company. I speak English clearly, but it’s my second language.)

    Lady: “I just got my bill and it says I owe you $400 in adult films, but I haven’t watched them.”

    Me: “I apologize for the inconvenience, but we got that information from your receiver. Do you think maybe somebody in your house might ordered them?”

    Lady: “No, there’s only me and my nephew.”

    Me: “How old is your nephew?”

    Lady: “He’s 14 years old, but he would never do that! I need you to credit my account for the whole amount.”

    Me: “Again, I apologize for the inconvenience but I won’t be able to do this at this time. I see we have credited your account twice in the last six months.”

    Lady: “I need the credit NOW, you hear me!”

    Me: “I understand your frustration, but as I told you before it’s impossible for me to do that at this moment.”

    Lady: “What? What did you say? I can’t understand you… you have a really thick accent!”

    Me: “I apologize, I said I won’t be able to credit your account at this time.”

    Lady: “What? You need to learn English before you get on the phones. I can’t understand a word you said!”

    Me: “Okay… so would you like me to credit your account for 600 dollars?”

    Lady: “Yes, that’s what I’m asking for! THANK YOU…”

    Me: “Oh, so now you understand my English. Sorry, we cannot credit your account at this time.”

    Lady: “Let me speak to a supervisor!”

    Related:
    A Nasty Case Of Selective Illiteracyosis

    Guess Whose Picture Is Next To “Pyrrhic”

    | Little Neck, NY, USA | Top

    (We sell milk for 2.99 a gallon. Some kid pulled the “.” and the “9″ off so it says 29 dollars. Not surprisingly, a lady comes in to buy a gallon and hands me thirty dollars.)

    Me: “Ma’am, you just gave me a twenty and 10 singles to buy milk. It’s only $2.99.”

    Lady: “Well that’s not what the sign says! it says 29 dollars!”

    Me: “But ma’am, you’re paying more money than it actually costs.”

    Lady: “I don’t care how much it costs! Just do your job and give me my f**king milk for 29 dollars!”

    Me: “Okay, If that’s what you want…” *gives her a dollar back*

    Lady: “Thank you! If you had just done your job I would’ve been out of here by now!”

    Me: “Have a great day!”

    Bang Head Here

    | London, UK | Top

    Me: “Hello, technical support, how can I help?”

    Customer: “I don’t know what’s wrong with my computer. Can you tell me?”

    Me: “Well… can you explain what’s wrong?”

    Customer: “Your job is to tell me what’s wrong.”

    Me: “Yes, but unless you help me I can’t tell you what is wrong.”

    Customer: “Why? Can’t you guess what’s wrong?”

    (I have decided a this point whatever is wrong will be something stupid.)

    Me: “Okay, maybe you can’t turn your computer on because it hasn’t got any power.”

    Customer: *angrily* “DO YOU THINK I’M STUPID?”

    (Suddenly, the customer calms down.)

    Customer: “Sorry, you were wrong. It’s plugged in and the light is green. Can you guess what’s wrong? It’s still black on the screen.”

    Me: “Well, is your screen on?”

    Customer: “Yes, I just said it was. It’s just black!”

    Me: “Right click.”

    Customer: “Hey, it worked… oh, it was a screensaver. Couldn’t you have guessed it was that at the start?”

    Me: *thud thud thud*

    Customer: “What was that?”

    Me: “Guess.”

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