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    Category: Top

    The Joys Of Motherhood

    | Virginia, USA | Family & Kids, Top

    (A mom and little girl are waiting in line. I watch from a different line.)

    Little Girl: “Can I have this candy?”

    Mom: “No, put it back.”

    Little Girl: “But that’s not fair! That’s not fair!”

    Mom: “Cut that out!”

    Little Girl: *takes a deep breath and calms down, then turns to her mom* “I’m killing you. I’m going to kill you.”

    Mom: “…”

    While We’re At It, Here’s A Check For A Gazillion Bucks

    , | Indiana, USA | Top

    (My pizza place recently stopped accepting checks, due to a large number of returned checks.  We have a large sign in the lobby, and a smaller sign at the register.)

    Customer: “What?! ¬†I can’t write a check?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, we no longer accept checks. ¬†We simply get too many returned for insufficient funds.”

    Customer: ¬†”But I was going to write a check…”

    Me: ¬†”We accept credit cards, or you can use your debit card for that checking account.”

    Customer: ¬†”I can’t use my debit card! I don’t have enough money in my account!”

    (And THAT is why we no longer take checks!)

    How About Your Husband Buy You A Brain

    | Bay Area, California | Top

    Woman: “Your f***ing machine won’t accept my memory card from my camera!”

    Me: “That’s very strange ma’am, as our machines accept all of the memory cards that I’ve ever heard of.”

    Woman: “Well, your machines are obviously old! My husband bought me an EXPENSIVE camera, because I only like the best! You people need to get better machines! My memory card won’t even FIT in any of the slots!”

    Me: “May I see your memory card? Maybe I can figure out what’s wrong.”

    (Woman hands me her memory card huffily.)

    Me: “Um… ma’am, I don’t know how to tell you this, but this is your camera battery.”

    Woman: “…”

    (She snatches her battery out of my hands and storms out of the store.)

    Employee Of The Year

    | Melbourne, Australia | Top

    Customer: “I’m looking for a book.”

    Me: “Were you after a particular book?”

    Customer: “Yeah.”

    Me: “What was the title?”

    Customer: “I can’t remember.”

    Me: “Do you know who the author is?”

    Customer: “No.”

    Me: “Do you remember what it’s about?”

    Customer: “I saw it recently…”

    Me: “Can you tell me anything at all about it?”

    Customer: “It had a nondescript cover.”

    Me: “…”

    (And I found it!)

    How To Lose Your Marbles In Style

    , | Florida, USA | Top

    (Our store used to have a completely gutted 1957 Chevy truck as a center piece. It was part of the store’s trademark. Walking down the store past the truck, I am stopped by an old man.)

    Me: “Sir?”

    Old Man: “Young lady, how much are you selling this truck for?”

    Me: “Sorry sir, the truck isn’t for sale. It’s owned by [company].”

    Old Man: “I’ll give you 100 dollars for it.”

    Me: “Sir, the truck is not for sale. I apologize.”

    Old Man: “All right…I’ll give you two hundred!”

    Me: “Sir, the truck is not for sale. And even if it was, it would be for a LOT more than 200 dollars.”

    Old Man: “Yes, I suppose you’re right… SAY! SOMEONE STEALING, LOOK!” *points behind me*

    (As I turn to look behind me, the man climbs the crates next to the truck, opens the driver’s seat door and gets behind the wheel.)

    Old Man: “WHOOOOOOOOO-HAW! CAN’T CATCH ME NOW, CAN YOU!” *swings steering wheel around and starts to make gun noises* “PEW PEW! PEWW PEW!”

    (Mall Security ended up being called, after the old man was “trying” to run us over. I wish I was joking.)

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