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    Category: Top

    A Whale Of A Story

    | Alaska, USA | Top

    Tourist: “Are you from here?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Tourist: “We are here to see the whales.”

    Me: “Oh, that sounds exciting.”

    Tourist: “So is there some little place known only to locals where you can watch the whales lay their eggs?”

    Me: *trying not to die laughing* “Um…yes there is, but we really aren’t supposed to tell the tourists.”

    Tourist: “Come on, please? We’ve come a long way. There’s big tip in it for you.”

    Me: “Well, okay. If you go down to the beach around 2am, make really loud whale calls and wave your arms around, it will make them feel welcome. They will swim up to you, dig a hole in the sand with their fins and lay their eggs.”

    (I always wondered if she went.)

    Playing Along, Part 2

    | Idaho, USA | Top

    (I get a call for troubleshooting from a lady who says her remote doesn’t work.)

    Me: “Ok ma’am, could you try changing the channel for me? Tell me if a light flashes on the remote.”

    Lady: “Ok.”

    (There are a few loud beeps from her phone in my ear and she comes back on the line.)

    Lady: “Nope, no flashing.”

    Me: “Ma’am you’re trying to change the channel with your phone, not the remote control.”

    Lady: “I can’t find the clicker, and I know my neighbor changes channels with her phone.”

    Me: “Ma’am, that’s just not possible.”

    Lady: “Don’t accuse me of lying! I saw her do it with my own eyes.”

    Me: “…”

    (I try for 10 minutes to explain to her why she can’t use her phone, and even make a futile attempt to troubleshoot her phone.)

    Me: “Ok, well it looks like your satellite receiver isn’t compatible with your phone.”

    Lady: “Yes it is. My neighbor and I have the same phone and same receiver. NOW HELP ME, DUMBA**!”

    Me: “Ma’am, do you have a cordless phone?”

    Lady: “Yes!”

    Me: “Ok ma’am, let’s try reprogramming your phone. What I need you to do is press and hold the ‘off’ button for five seconds. This will clear the old code, so we can put the new one in.”

    Lady: “Ok—” *click*

    (I hear my supervisor a few rows away from me bust out laughing.)

    Related:
    Playing Along

    All Are Retail Slaves

    | North Bay, ON, Canada | Top

    (Note: I wasn’t actually an employee, I was just a regular customer walking around this store. A middle aged woman walks up to me.)

    Lady: “Excuse me, do you have any golf clubs?”

    Me: “Sorry, I don’t work here.”

    Lady: “But you look like you do…”

    Me: “Sorry, no…all the employees here have red vests and tags that say ***** ******* on them.”

    Lady: “But can you tell me where the golf clubs are?”

    Me: “No, I don’t even live in this town [which was true]. I am just looking around.”

    Lady: “Well, you’re no help. I might as well look in the other store.” *walks away in a huffy mood*

    Me, loudly: “MAYBE IF YOU PAID ME, I’D HELP!”

    Yes, They Really Are That Dumb

    | Valencia, CA, USA | Top

    (I have a line of guests at the front desk waiting to check in, but I can’t ignore the phone ringing. I saw that it was an inside call from a room and I answer it, hoping this will be quick. I’m used to stupid questions but this was the best.)

    Me: “Guest services, how may I help you?”

    Guest: “Yes, how do you work the television?”

    Me, without missing a beat: “There should be a remote control on the nighttable in between the two beds in your room. On it, there should be a circular orange button that says “POWER”. Push it and the TV should turn on.”

    (At this point, the young couple in front of me is laughing.)

    Guest: “Okay, what do I do then?”

    Me: “Well, once the TV is on, you can push the yellow arrow buttons that say ‘channel’ to find the station you’d like to watch. Would you like to know where the channel listing is in your room?”

    Guest: “No, but thanks. I’ll give it a try.”

    Me: “My pleasure.” *hangs up*

    Young couple, still laughing: “Are you serious?”

    How Dorothy Does Her Shopping

    | Fort Worth, TX, USA | Bizarre, Top

    (This happened during a tornado that crashed down just up the street from the store I worked in. The power went out, and one of the AC units had almost been ripped off the building. After a brief panic in which all customers and staff were shut in the tornado-shelter/assistant manager’s office, we employees locked down the building and started counting down registers, waiting until the storm had calmed down to let anyone go. It was raining, and the parking lot was actually flooding at this point.)

    Me: “Wouldn’t it be funny if someone came tearing in here, possessed with the desire to buy something? Because obviously, in the dark, during a tornado, this is the best time to beat crowds.”

    Norma (team lead): *laughs* “That’s mean.”

    (Not ten minutes later, standing by the glass front doors to watch the storm, we see a woman run across the four-lane highway outside, dodging between stopped cars. She tears across the parking lot, carrying her high heels in her hand, and stops to put them on before trying the doors to our building. She tugs, but they’re locked, so of course, she knocks. After a moment of amazement, our Ladies department manager Lara answers the door.)

    Lara: “Ma’am, we’re closed.”

    Woman: *panting* “Really?”

    Me: “Tornado took our power out.”

    Woman: “Are you really closed?”

    (By now, both the captive customers and the employees are exchanging glances. I look at Norma, who stares wide-eyed at the woman.)

    Lara: “There’s really no way we could ring you up for anything. We have no power.”

    Woman: “Oh, that’s too bad. I thought now would be a good time to get some shopping done! I’ll just go back to my car, then.”

    Lara: “Ma’am, there is torrential rain pouring down out there, and the wind is moving the cars.”

    Woman: “Well I can’t buy anything, why should I stay?” *leaves*

    (Though our policy states that we should try to detain people, we cannot legally do that, so Lara lets her go. I turn to Norma and say…)

    Me: “…didn’t I just tell that joke?”

    Related:
    After The Tornado, Dorothy Never Was Quite The Same


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