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  • This Round He Lost (In Translation), Part 4
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    Category: Top

    Proof That Men Will Say Anything

    | Metrowest, MA, USA | Top

    (I’m a lesbian who works in a seedy area of my town, and I’m hit on constantly by these really old guys, or crackheads…or drunks…)

    Drunk guy: “Hey…are you single?”

    Me: “Nope. Gay too.”

    Drunk guy: “Oh. So you like women?”

    Me: “Yep.”

    Drunk guy: “I can be a woman!”

    Me: “I have standards.”

    (The drunk man leaves, and my coworker nearly pees herself laughing.)

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic.

    Virgin Galactic, Eat Your Heart Out

    | Orlando, FL, USA | Top

    (I’m a flight attendant, and was doing my pre-takeoff check in the cabin. A man stops me and gestures to the small digital camera sitting in the seat next to him.)

    Passenger: “Is it ok if my camera is here for the flight?”

    Me: “Sure, sir. That will be fine.”

    Passenger: “But shouldn’t I put it in the overhead bin?”

    Me: “It should be fine there, but if you’re worried about it falling on the floor during landing you could put it in the overhead bin.”

    Passenger: “But after takeoff, won’t it start floating around the cabin?”

    Me: “Well, sir, just hold on to it. Once we slingshot around the moon, it will be fine.”

    We Love You Too

    , | Pizzeria | Top

    (It was literally 3 minutes before closing time, and someone called us.)

    Drunk Customer: “Ehhhhhh hello?”

    Me: “Sir, we are at closing time.”

    Drunk Customer: “Oh… well, can I have a large cheese pizza and a cheeseburger?”

    Me: “Sir, it is closing time. We’re done for the day. And we don’t serve burgers.”

    Drunk Customer: “Okay, can you just…uuuhhhhh…make me a pizza really fast then?”

    Me: “Sir, I’m sorry, but we’re closing.”

    Drunk Customer: “COME ON! IT’S 10 PM, I’M HUNGRY, AND ALL I WANT IS A PIZZA!”

    Me: “Sir, it’s 10:01. We are closed.”

    Drunk Customer: *unusually calm* “Okay…I’ll go to McDonald’s.”

    Me: “Good night, sir.”

    Drunk Customer: “Good night…I love you…” *hangs up*

    (Quite frankly, it made my day.)

    Must Be From Orange County

    | Catalina Island, CA | Top

    Me: “How can I help you today?”

    Customer: “What time does the island close?”

    Me: “Close? It doesn’t close. It isn’t like Disneyland, sir. People live here.”

    Customer: “Don’t lie to me. I’ve been walking around, and those houses are too small for anyone to live in.”

    Me: “Sir, I live in one of those houses.”

    Customer’s wife: “No, honey, she can’t break character.” *winks at me* “I get it.”

    Customer: “But really, when do you close?”

    Me: “I’m not ‘in character.’ This is an actual town, with actual people living in it. It doesn’t close.”

    Customer’s wife: “Don’t treat us like we’re children, just tell us when.”

    Me: *sigh* “5 o’clock, ma’am. Have a nice day.”

    If Nincompoop, Then Infinite Loop

    | Ottawa, ON, Canada | Top

    (I was walking a customer through setting up a fairly complex product.)

    Customer: “Next or back?”

    Me: “Next.”

    Customer: “Okay, now next or back?”

    Me: “We do not need to change any of the default settings, so we will be hitting next on the next 7 or 8 screens in a row. Let me know when another option other then next or back appears.”

    Customer: *obviously not getting it* “Okay, now do I hit next or back?”

    Me: “Hit next, and also hit next on the following 5 or 6 pages until there is no more next button.”

    Customer: “Okay, I clicked next. Now do I hit next or back?”

    (At this point I am going insane and decide to have a little fun.)

    Me: “Click back.”

    Customer: “Okay, now next or back?”

    Me: “Click next.”

    Customer: “Okay, next or back?”

    Me: “Click back.”

    Customer: “Okay, next or back?”

    Me: “Click next.”

    Customer: “Okay, next or back?”

    Me: “Click back.”

    (This goes on for a few minutes until the customer realises what’s going on. Or so I thought…)

    Customer: “I think it’s broken, it keeps looping through the same pages!”


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