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    Category: Top

    Employee Of The Year

    | Melbourne, Australia | Top

    Customer: “I’m looking for a book.”

    Me: “Were you after a particular book?”

    Customer: “Yeah.”

    Me: “What was the title?”

    Customer: “I can’t remember.”

    Me: “Do you know who the author is?”

    Customer: “No.”

    Me: “Do you remember what it’s about?”

    Customer: “I saw it recently…”

    Me: “Can you tell me anything at all about it?”

    Customer: “It had a nondescript cover.”

    Me: “…”

    (And I found it!)

    How To Lose Your Marbles In Style

    , | Florida, USA | Top

    (Our store used to have a completely gutted 1957 Chevy truck as a center piece. It was part of the store’s trademark. Walking down the store past the truck, I am stopped by an old man.)

    Me: “Sir?”

    Old Man: “Young lady, how much are you selling this truck for?”

    Me: “Sorry sir, the truck isn’t for sale. It’s owned by [company].”

    Old Man: “I’ll give you 100 dollars for it.”

    Me: “Sir, the truck is not for sale. I apologize.”

    Old Man: “All right…I’ll give you two hundred!”

    Me: “Sir, the truck is not for sale. And even if it was, it would be for a LOT more than 200 dollars.”

    Old Man: “Yes, I suppose you’re right… SAY! SOMEONE STEALING, LOOK!” *points behind me*

    (As I turn to look behind me, the man climbs the crates next to the truck, opens the driver’s seat door and gets behind the wheel.)

    Old Man: “WHOOOOOOOOO-HAW! CAN’T CATCH ME NOW, CAN YOU!” *swings steering wheel around and starts to make gun noises* “PEW PEW! PEWW PEW!”

    (Mall Security ended up being called, after the old man was “trying” to run us over. I wish I was joking.)

    Lesson Of The Day: Food Poisoning = Bad

    , | Austin, TX, USA | Top

    (Note: the FDA recently recalled tomatoes because of a salmonella outbreak.)

    Me: “… and what veggies would you like on your sandwich?”

    Customer: “Lettuce, tomato and onion, that’s all. And some mayo.”

    Me: “Sorry, ma’am, we’re not selling tomatoes right now, but I’ll put the rest of that on for you.”

    Customer: “What? Why can’t I have tomatoes?”

    Me: “Because the FDA is worried that they may be contaminated with salmonella and until we’re sure that ours are safe, we’re not allowed to sell them.”

    Customer: “Your tomatoes are contaminated?! How can you sell tomatoes that are contaminated? That’s disgusting! I can’t believe you!”

    Me: “Ma’am we’re *NOT* selling them.”

    Customer: “Well, why the h*** not?!”

    Me: “Because the FDA says they might not be safe and we don’t want our customers to get sick.”

    Customer: “Well, that’s stupid. I want tomatoes.”

    Me: “Alright, ma’am, but I suggest you leave off the mayonnaise, then.”

    Customer: “Umm… okay, why?”

    Me: “It tends to taste bad when mixed with salmonella.”

    Born To Offend

    | Pittsburgh, PA, USA | Top

    Me: “Hello, ma’am. How may I help you?”

    Woman: “Oh, when is your baby due?”

    Me: “I’m not pregnant, ma’am, just fat.”

    Woman: “That’s very rude, you know. Pretending to be pregnant just so people can be nice to you!”

    Me: *gritting teeth* “I am not pretending anything, ma’am, I promise you. Now, how may I help you?”

    Woman: “No! You are a liar, and I am going somewhere where non-lying people can help me!”

    Me: “Thank you ma’am, and have a nice day.”

    Woman: “LIAR!”

    … And They Say The Post Office Is Slow

    | Troy, NY, USA | Top

    (A customer is buying a stamp for a letter shortly after the 2007 price increase.)

    Customer: “Why can’t I get a 39 cent stamp? You still have them.”

    Me: “We still have them in stock, but we have to make up the difference with 2 cent stamps. Don’t worry, we’ll stick the right amount on for you.”

    Customer: “I just want a 39 cent stamp.”

    Me: “Okay, but your letter will not get there.”

    Customer: “Just give me it!”

    (The customer takes the stamp, affixes it, and tosses the letter into the slot. I promptly pick up the letter from the bin and stamp it “Insufficient Postage, Return To Sender”.)


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