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    For The Love Of God, Get GPS

    | Chicago, IL, USA | Geography, Top

    Customer: “Hi. I’m coming from the intersection at *** and ***. How would I get to your store from here?”

    (I give the guy directions. I can tell he’s tuned me out after the first street or two. He then cuts me off before I finish.)

    Customer: “Good, good! I got it. Thanks!” *hangs up*

    (The phone rings again five minutes later.)

    Customer: “Hi! I just called you a few minutes ago, asking for directions.”

    Me: “I remember.”

    Customer: “Yeah… I took that turn on *** like you said. Then I got lost again. I’m at *** and *** now.”

    Me: “Okay…” *gives him directions again*

    Customer: “Okay! I got it this time. Thanks!” *hangs up*

    (Phone rings again five minutes later.)

    Me: “Hi again. Where are you now?”

    Customer: *laughs* “I’m at *** and ***.”

    Me: “Okay. You’re almost here. Turn on *** and go straight until you see a gas station. We’re in the strip mall a little after it.”

    Customer: “Okay!” *hangs up*

    (Phone rings again five minutes later.)

    Customer: “It’s me again! I’m at the gas station. I don’t see your store.”

    Me: “We’re in the strip mall after the gas station, it’s down the road a little bit.”

    Customer: “Oh! I see it. Okay, I’ll be right there.” *hangs up*

    (Phone rings again five minutes later.)

    Customer: “I’m in the strip mall now… and I don’t see your store. I’m gonna feel SO stupid if I’m in the wrong strip mall.”

    Me: “At this point, I’m not even sure you’re in the right state.”

    Customer: *laughs*

    Me: “Okay. Do you see a donut shop?”

    Customer: “Yes! I see a donut shop!”

    Me: “Good. Drive to the donut shop. Now, do you see a cell phone store?”

    Customer: “Yes! It’s next to the donut shop.”

    Me: “Good. Drive to the cell phone shop. Now drive a little past that. Do you see the girl in the next store who’s on the phone and waving at you?”

    Customer: “Yeah! Is that you?”

    Me: “Yeah. Come on in…”

    Tellin’ It Like It Is

    | Bradenton, FL, USA | Top

    Me: “Hello! Welcome to [restaurant].”

    (I begin pouring water, as is customary at any restaurant.)

    Woman: “We didn’t ASK for water.”

    Me: “Oh, I’m sorry ma’am. Should I bring you something else?”

    Woman: *sighs* “No! No! No! Fine! We’ll take the darn water.”

    (I proceed to bring her the food, and she complains incessantly about everything she can think of until finally her entree comes out.)

    Woman: “This isn’t what I ordered.”

    Me: “Ma’am, this is what you ordered. I can show you the bill… it’s clearly written that this is what you ordered.”

    Woman: “No it’s not! I DID NOT ORDER THIS!”

    Me: “You did now…”

    Woman, to husband: “Come on, let’s leave!”

    Husband: “Why? Because you’re being a pain?”

    Fighting Fire With Fire

    | Belgium | Awesome Customers, Family & Kids, Food & Drink, Top, Wild & Unruly

    (A father is letting five kids make a complete mess of the restaurant. They’re ripping napkins and using it as confetti, breaking chopsticks and screaming their little heads off.)

    Me: “Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to tell them to stop doing that. They are disturbing the other customers.”

    Father: *beaming* “No.”

    Me: “No, as in, no you won’t tell them to stop it?”

    Father: *still beaming*“Yes.”

    (I have to get back to work at this point and sure enough, the kids keep misbehaving. Several customers complain to me but I have no authority to throw them out. The last to complain is a table with about eight young guys.)

    Customer 1: “So there’s nothing you can do about them?”

    Me: “I’m so very sorry sir, but no. I can get you a drink from the house to make up for it.”

    Customer 2: “No, that won’t do.”

    Me: “Well, I can see if I can get you a free desert…”

    Customer 2: “Not what I meant. Can’t you get your boss?”

    Me: “I’m afraid he’s not in, sir.”

    Customer 1: “Well we won’t accept any free stuff. I bet that would come out of your pay.”

    Customer 3: “Hold on…”

    (The customer gets up and the others immediately follow him to the noisy, messy table. They’re now surrounded by eight tall young men who look mighty pissed.)

    Customer 3, to the father: “Tell them to stop it.”

    Father: *still beaming* “No.”

    Customer 1: “You’re upsetting the waitress.”

    Father: “Do you guys even work here?”

    Customer 1: “No, we’re from that prison up the street. We’re out on parole. Funny coincidence, we all served seven years for kidnapping and murdering a bunch of noisy brats and a jerk who made minimum-wage waitresses cry.”

    (At this point the kids become very, very quiet and the other patrons start giggling and staring.)

    Father: “You’re lying.”

    Customer 4: “Wanna take that chance, buddy?”

    (One more lecherous grin was enough to send the whole bunch of misfits scurrying to the exit. My knights in shining armor actually got applause from the other diners and a free meal from me.)

    From Runaway Bride To Ex-Wife

    | Texas, USA | Spouses & Partners, Top

    (A few years ago I was working at a video store when there were still late fees, and this exchange occurred after I scanned a couple’s rentals:)

    Me: “Okay, sir, with the late fee from your last rental, your total is $9.50.”

    Husband: “What do you mean a late fee? I ALWAYS return my movies on time, so you need to remove that late fee right now!”

    Me: “Well sir, you returned–”

    Husband: “I said I ALWAYS return my movies on time and you need to remove that late fee right now! I’m not paying this!”

    Me: “Then you won’t be renting these movies tonight. All late fees must be paid before renting again.”

    Husband: “I’m NOT paying this, so you better take it off now!”

    Wife: “What movie is this late fee for anyway? We ALWAYS return our movies on time!”

    Me: “This is for Runaway Bride with Julia Roberts. You rented it on the 6th and it was due on the 11th, but you didn’t return it until the 15th. ”

    Husband: “Oh yeah, that’s right, we never got around to watching it. I’ll pay for it.”

    Wife: “We never rented Runaway Bride and I was out of town on the 6th.”

    Me: “Well, ma’am, it’s showing that Jennifer rented the title.”

    Wife: “Who is Jennifer?” *pauses and her face becomes red* “Oh, that b***h!”

    (The wife proceeds to slap her husband, takes the keys and drives away, leaving her husband in the store.)

    Husband: “Well, I guess I deserved that, huh?”

    Me: “Sir, you put your mistress on your account?”

    Husband: “Yeah, she likes movies…”

    Me: “You are aware that she could have opened her own account for free, right?”

    Husband: “Oh s***, really?”

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic.

    So Dumb It Hurts

    | Orlando, FL, USA | Top

    (I work at a vet’s office, and am giving a woman and her three children basic grooming information for their new puppy. The conversation has already been going on for an hour.)

    Me: “… the groomers can do different ‘cuts’ or ‘styles’ for your dog, depending on how you want him to look.”

    Customer: “Will that hurt?”

    Me: “Will what hurt?”

    Customer: “Cutting him, will it hurt when you cut him?”

    Me: “No… it’s not cutting HIM, it’s just cutting his fur.”

    Customer: “Oh…¬†but will that hurt?”

    Me: “No… it’s hair.”

    Customer: “Are you sure it won’t hurt when you cut it?”

    Me: “It’s just like when you get your own hair cut. Does it hurt when you get your hair cut?”

    Customer: *looks confused*

    Me: “Okay… well no, it won’t hurt.”

    (I then go on to other aspects of grooming… clipping toe nails, cleaning the ears, etc.)

    Me: “… you can clean the puppy’s ears if they get dirty, or just whenever you give him a bath.”

    Me: *goes over the ear cleaning process*

    Customer: “Will it hurt? ”

    Me: “No… he may not like it, and may shake his head, but it shouldn’t hurt. Just make sure you don’t stick anything, like a Q-Tip, into his ear.”

    Customer: “Okay, so how do I do that?”

    Me: *goes over the ear cleaning process again*

    Me: “… and again, just whenever you give him a bath…”

    Customer: “Okay, how do I do that? ”

    Me: “Well, there are several different shampoos you can use…”

    Customer: “But how do I do that?”

    Me: “You mean… how do you actually give him a bath?”

    Customer: “Yes, how do I do that?”

    Me: “Just like you’d bathe your kids… the puppy’s small, so you can bathe him in the sink, or in the bath tub…”

    Customer: “But how do I bathe him?”

    (At this point, I look at the woman’s three children, and wonder how they’ve survived their mother.)

    Me: “Umm… you put water on him… err… you know, we have full-service grooming here, it includes a bath, we’ll do everything for you… cut his toe nails, clean his ears, trim his hair…”

    Customer: “But we don’t want to hurt him. Will a bath hurt?”

    Me: “It’s WATER!”

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