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    Prankin’ Like It’s 1929

    | Panama City Beach, FL, USA | Top

    Me: “Thank you for calling ***, how may I help you?”

    Older caller: “Ma’am, do y’all sell olive oil?”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am.”

    Older caller: “But do you have it in a can?”

    Me: “I’ve never seen one, but I know we have it in bottles of varying–”

    Older caller: “Could you check for me?”

    (I go down the aisle and sure enough, we carry massive 3-liter tin containers.)

    Me: “Ma’am, sorry about the wait. But to answer your question, we do have it in large three-liter cans as well as bottles of varying size. If you want I can pull one off the shelf and hold it at the Service De–”

    Older caller: “So you DO have olive oil in a can?”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am. Aisle four.”


    Getting A Word In Edgewise

    | Adelaide, Australia | Top

    Customer: “I want to see that brooch.”

    Me: “Here it is–”

    Customer: “How much is it?”

    Me: “Well, it’s–”

    Customer: “You don’t need to know where I get my money from!”

    Me: “Oh, okay. Well, it costs–”

    Customer: “I’m on a disability pension.”

    Me: “It costs thirty–”

    Customer: “And it’s none of your business why!”

    Me: “Thirty five dol–”

    Customer: “I had an accident and broke my leg.”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “Do you want to know why I’m buying this?”

    Me: “Umm… no, it’s okay.”


    Your Prank Got Spanked, Part 2

    | Richmond, VA, USA | Top

    Me: “Thank you for calling [hotel], this is John speaking, how can I help you?

    Caller: “I’m trying to get in contact with Mike Hunt.”

    (I check the guest list to make sure we don’t actually have a Michael Hunt staying with us.)

    Me: “Yes, Mr. Hunt is sharing a room with I.P. Freely, and he asked me to give you a message: he said to not call here again until you can come up with something a little more original, you pathetic losers.”

    Caller: *hangs up*

    Your Prank Got Spanked

    A Good Ol’ Fashioned A** Whoopin’

    | Philadelphia, PA, USA | Top

    Me: “Sir, would you like to use any coupons today?”

    Customer: “Yes, I’ve been saving them. Here you go!”

    (He hands me a coupon that had expired five years previously.)

    Me: “Sir, your coupon is expired.”

    Customer: “WHAT?! What do you mean its expired? You f***ing b****, you’re just trying to steal my f***ing money! You’re trying to rob me! You and this f***ing company are trying to steal my f***ing money!”

    (The customer attempts to climb over the counter and attack me. Thankfully, my manager intercepts him.)

    Manager: “Sir, I need you to come with me.”

    (My manager hauls the customer off counter by the back of his collar and drags him outside. Ten minutes pass, and he comes back in hauling a very disheveled customer by the shirt.)

    Customer: “Your manager told me that I need to apologize to you. I’m sorry for yelling.”

    Manager: “Now, apologize for cursing at her.”

    Customer: “I’m sorry for cursing at you.”

    Manager: “Now, what’s our policy on expired coupons?”

    Customer: “You don’t accept them.”

    Manager, to me: “Is he forgiven, or would you like to have him arrested?”

    Me: “No, it’s okay. ”

    Manager, to customer: “Now get out, and don’t come back.” *throws customer out*

    Dads: Gotta Love ‘Em

    | Massachusetts, USA | Top

    (My father owns an auto shop, where I sometimes work part time. Late one afternoon, a woman comes in.)

    Me: “May I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes. I need my car inspected.”

    Me: “Well, we’re not taking any more inspections this afternoon. May I schedule you for tomorrow?”

    Customer: “No, I want my car inspected now.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but we take in our last inspection at 4:00 so we have time to pack up and shut down the machine.”

    Customer: “Yes, but I just bought my car from *** and they told me I could bring my car here to get inspected for free.”

    Me: “Yes, they will pay for your inspection here, but we’re closing soon. I’d be happy to schedule you an appointment for another day.”

    Customer: “No! This is an outrage! At *** they told me I could bring in my car ANY TIME to be inspected here!”

    Me: “Um… well…”

    Customer: “I want my car inspected RIGHT NOW. They told me I could have it inspected any time!”

    Me: “Ma’am, it’s 4:45 and we are closing in 15 minutes. We don’t have time…”

    Customer: “Where is your manager!? I want to speak to your manager!”

    Me: “Um… I’m afraid he’s out test driving a car.”

    Customer: “That’s unacceptable! Is there anyone else I can talk to? I need to get my car inspected!”

    Me: “Hold on…”

    (I go out into the shop and check, but sure enough the only other person still here this late is the trainee mechanic. The woman proceeds to yell at us for about ten minutes. Eventually, my dad returns from his test drive.)

    Me: “Dad, can you help this woman?”

    Dad: “What can I do for you today?”

    Customer: “I brought my car here from *** for an inspection but they won’t give one to me!”

    (My dad proceeds to tell her everything I told her, smiling through all her abuse. Eventually…)

    Customer: “Fine! This is an outrage! I’m going to write a complaint letter to *** about you!”

    Dad: “Yeah, good luck with that.”

    Me: “My God.”

    Dad: “Let me give you a little advice about people like that. When somebody gets all worked up at you like that, you need to remain calm. Because the calmer you are, the angrier they get, and it’s REALLY funny.”

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