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    Life’s Great Mysteries, Volume 1

    | Oklahoma, USA | Food & Drink, Top

    (I’m working in the meat department as a middle-aged woman in a business suit approaches me.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, miss?”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am, how can I help you?”

    Customer: *dead serious* “What’s the difference between beef and pork?”

    Me: “Um… one comes from a pig, and one comes from a cow. ”

    Customer: “Oh, okay! I’ve always wondered that!”

    (She walks off happily and I never worked with the public again.)

    Water You, Stupid

    | Kansas City, MO, USA | Top

    (While passing through airport security, a passenger’s bag needs to be pulled because the x-ray operator sees an obvious big bottle of water when the limit is 3.4 oz.)

    Me: “Whose bag is this?”

    Passenger: “Oh! Oh! Oohhh! It’s mine! Is there something wrong?”

    Me: “I just need to take a quick look inside, ma’am. This shouldn’t take more than a couple of minutes.”

    Passenger: “Well, hurry. I think they’re boarding my plane.”

    (I open her bag and find the bottle almost immediately. She gasps as I pull it out.)

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m afraid you cannot have this beyond this point.”

    Passenger: “Why not? I just bought it, and it’s unopened!”

    Me: “Ma’am, the rules clearly state that you cannot have any liquids over 3.4 oz in your carry on. If you’d like to, you could–”

    Passenger: “But that’s not a liquid!”

    Me: “Excuse me, ma’am?”

    Passenger: “It’s not a liquid! It’s water! W-A-T-E-R! You know, H-2-O? For the love of God, don’t they hire anyone with more than a grade school education for security?”

    iPod, Meet iDiet

    | Minneapolis, MN, USA | Top

    (I’ve just spent about 10 minutes answering fairly standard questions from a customer about an iPod. Then, they asked this one…)

    Customer: “Oh, before you leave I have one more question!”

    Me: “Sure, what can I help you with?”

    Customer: “Will the iPod get heavier if I put more songs on it?”

    Me: “No…?”

    (I was so dumbfounded I didn’t realize how stupid the question actually was until 10 minutes later.)

    Bad Customer Tip #103: Pull A Clark Kent

    , | Buenos Aires, Argentina | Top

    (A man on his mid-forties shoves a DVD case on the counter, while yelling at me. Keep in mind that I’m wearing glasses.)

    Customer: “This DVD doesn’t work, G** D***it! I want a refund!”

    Me: “Okay… what seems to be the problem?”

    Customer: “I don’t know, it doesn’t work!”

    (I open the case and check the surface of the DVD. It was so scratched that it was nearly white instead of purple, and it even had a dry fingerprint of something that looked like peanut butter.)

    Me: “Um… sir?”

    Customer: “WHAT?!”

    Me: “I can’t give you a refund for a product that has been damaged by the customer.”

    Customer: What?! The disc is fine! I want a refund!”

    Me: “Sir, the disc is damaged, and I cannot give you a refund.”

    Customer: “I want to speak to the manager!”

    Me: “Of course.”

    (I walk away to the back of the store, take off my glasses, and walk to the counter again.)

    Me: “Yes, what is the problem?”

    Customer: “YOUR POOR EXCUSE FOR A SALESMAN WON’T–”

    (He suddenly figures it out.)

    Customer: “F*** THIS S***!” *continues swearing while he storms out of the store*

    The Inadvertent Thief

    | Northern Ireland, UK | Top

    Lady: “Do you sell aloe vera gel?”

    Me: “No, I’m afraid we don’t, but you might be able to get it at [store] down the street.”

    Lady: “Oh, great, thanks.”

    (She leaves and ten minutes later returns wielding a tube, looking irritated.)

    Me: “Hello again, did you manage to find it okay?”

    Lady: “No! You told me they had aloe vera gel! All they had is the cream! I don’t want the cream!”

    Me: “Um… you didn’t want the cream but you bought it anyway?”

    Lady: “No, of course I didn’t BUY–”

    (She suddenly stops and looks at the tube in her hand. Her expression turns to horror and she legs it back out the door. My coworkers and I laughed for a good ten minutes at that one.)


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