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    He’s Dying – But He Looks Fabulous!

    | Calgary, Alberta, Canada | Top

    Customer: *calling on the phone* “Hello, I’d like to make an appointment with the groomer. My dog won’t get up and walk around, and every time I touch his leg, he whimpers. I think it may be broken.”

    Me: “Well, ma’am, I don’t think the groomer is the best place to take an animal with a broken leg. Your best bet would be to call a vet, and have them look at the animal.”

    Customer: “Vets are expensive. A groomer deals with animals as well – shouldn’t they know everything a vet does?”

    Me: “Ma’am, bringing a dog with a broken leg to a groomer is like bringing a kid with a broken leg to a hairdresser. I think a vet would be a much better choice.”

    Customer: “Well, I NEVER! That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.”

    Me: “I wont lie to you; that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever had to say. You have a nice day.” *hangs up*

    For My Next Trick…

    | Terrace, British Columbia, Canada | Top

    (A woman who had gone through my line earlier that day came up to me.)

    Customer: “Give me back my g****** keys!”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “My car keys! Give them back!”

    Me: “I wasn’t aware that I had them. Ma’am, are your keys lost? I can get someone to help you find them if you want.”

    Customer: “No! I know it was you who took them! I put them up on this little tray– *points to the tray next to the debit machine* “–and when I got home I couldn’t find them anywhere!”

    Me: “When…when you got home? Ma’am, did you drive home?”

    Customer: “Well, duh! What kind of idiot are you? Do you think I’m poor?” *gives a disgusted look*

    Me: “No…how did you get back here, ma’am?”

    Customer: “I drove here, of course!”

    Me: “With your car keys?”

    Customer: “Yes! Now give them back!”

    Me: “Ma’am…if I had taken your car keys, would you have been able to drive home and back here?”

    Customer: “No! But I know you took them!”

    (I then notice the keys shining in her hand.)

    Me:: “Open your hand please, ma’am?”

    Customer: *upon seeing her keys in her hand* “Oh, you little witch! What did you do, ‘magic’ them back into my hand?! What kind of store lets witches work for them?!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m not a witch…but you are a complete stereotypical blonde.”

    Customer: “Oh, how dare you! I demand to speak to your manager.”

    (My manager, who is a Wiccan and has been listening to this exchange for the past few minutes, comes up behind me, playing with her five-pointed star necklace.)

    Manager: *in a mystical voice* “Well, hello there, earth-walker. What can I do for you?”

    Customer: *sputters curse words and quickly storms out*

    When In Doubt, Improvise

    | Darien Center, NY, USA | Top

    (Some days when there aren’t enough lifeguards, we have to close off the deep end of the wave pool – but, we aren’t allowed to tell guests that reason.)

    Customer: “What’s with the buoy line?”

    Me: “It’s there to keep you from entering the deep end.”

    Customer: “Well, duh! Why is it there?”

    Me: “Oh, the deep end is closed right now.”

    Customer: “That’s so f****** stupid! There’s no reason the deep end should be closed!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. The water is…broken.”

    Customer: “Oh, sorry then. Have a nice day.”

    What A Tangled Web We Weave

    | Northridge, CA, USA | Top

    (A customer had already ordered, picked up, and drank most of his drink. He then walked up to the counter and was very angry.)

    Me: “How can I help you?”

    Customer: “What the f*** is this?!” *points to his cup*

    Me: “It looks like the drink I made you, and you seem to have already enjoyed it.”

    Customer: “No smart-a**…this!” *pours the drink onto the counter and a key bounces out* “What the f*** is going on here?!”

    Me: *alarmed* “I am SO sorry sir! When I made the drink, I know there wasn’t a key in it. Let me make you a new one.”

    Customer: “Yeah! You f***in’ better make me a new f***in’ drink. This is complete bulls***! You’re lucky I don’t sue you and this coffee company!”

    (I take the key and make him a new drink, and he goes and sits outside with his friends. The key wasn’t mine, so I started asking coworkers and customers. No one was claiming it. The customer walked up about 5 minutes later, bright red and embarrassed.)

    Customer: “Yeah, uh…I’m going to need my car key back so I can go home….”

    He Who Eats Less, Laughs Best

    , | Evergreen, CO, USA | Top

    (While I’m working, I see this teenage girl pull up in an really nice car. With her orange spray tan and expensive clothing, I could tell it would be interesting.)

    Me: “Hey, what could I get for you today?”

    Customer: “You’re going to make me a non-fat shake with non-fat mix, non-fat milk and non-fat chocolate.

    Me: “Oh, Ok…I’ll have that done for you in just a second.”

    (Right before I start to blend the shake, she speaks up:)

    Customer: “So since you work here, do you eat a lot of ice cream?”

    Me: “Well, I suppose I eat enough to be able to recommend stuff to customers….”

    Customer: “Well, you just look like you eat a lot of ice cream. You might want to quit your job before you get too fat.”

    Me: “Thanks for that advice.”

    (While my coworker rings her up, I proceed to add 5 pumps of chocolate syrup, extra chocolate chips, and tons of extra ingredients to her shake, putting it up to a total of about 4,000 calories.)

    Customer: *taking a drink* “At least you can make a decent shake.”

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