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    Never Piss Off A Man With A Meat Cleaver

    | Edmonton, AB, Canada | Top

    (It was 5:45 pm on Christmas Eve, and the grocery store I worked at closed at 6 pm.)

    Customer: ¬†”Why don’t you have any big frozen turkeys? ¬†I need a 20 pound frozen turkey!”

    Me: ¬†”Sir, we only have what’s left in the counter.”

    Customer: ¬†”Go look in the back! ¬†I know you have some hiding back there.”

    Me: ¬†”Um, sir, I put all the turkeys out already. ¬†What’s out is all we have.”

    Customer: ¬†”LISTEN! ¬†I NEED A G**D*** 20 POUND TURKEY!¬†GET IN THE BACK AND FIND ME ONE!”

    Me: ¬†”There are no more turkeys in the back…”

    Customer: ¬†”I’ll just go look myself!”

    (The customer proceeds to march through the “Staff Only” doors and is met by one of the butchers who stands 6′ 5″.)

    Customer: ¬†”GET ME A G**D*** TURKEY!”

    Big Butcher: ¬†”GET THE H*** OUT OF MY STORE!”

    The Joys Of Motherhood

    | Virginia, USA | Family & Kids, Top

    (A mom and little girl are waiting in line. I watch from a different line.)

    Little Girl: “Can I have this candy?”

    Mom: “No, put it back.”

    Little Girl: “But that’s not fair! That’s not fair!”

    Mom: “Cut that out!”

    Little Girl: *takes a deep breath and calms down, then turns to her mom* “I’m killing you. I’m going to kill you.”

    Mom: “…”

    While We’re At It, Here’s A Check For A Gazillion Bucks

    , | Indiana, USA | Top

    (My pizza place recently stopped accepting checks, due to a large number of returned checks.  We have a large sign in the lobby, and a smaller sign at the register.)

    Customer: “What?! ¬†I can’t write a check?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, we no longer accept checks. ¬†We simply get too many returned for insufficient funds.”

    Customer: ¬†”But I was going to write a check…”

    Me: ¬†”We accept credit cards, or you can use your debit card for that checking account.”

    Customer: ¬†”I can’t use my debit card! I don’t have enough money in my account!”

    (And THAT is why we no longer take checks!)

    How About Your Husband Buy You A Brain

    | Bay Area, California | Top

    Woman: “Your f***ing machine won’t accept my memory card from my camera!”

    Me: “That’s very strange ma’am, as our machines accept all of the memory cards that I’ve ever heard of.”

    Woman: “Well, your machines are obviously old! My husband bought me an EXPENSIVE camera, because I only like the best! You people need to get better machines! My memory card won’t even FIT in any of the slots!”

    Me: “May I see your memory card? Maybe I can figure out what’s wrong.”

    (Woman hands me her memory card huffily.)

    Me: “Um… ma’am, I don’t know how to tell you this, but this is your camera battery.”

    Woman: “…”

    (She snatches her battery out of my hands and storms out of the store.)

    Employee Of The Year

    | Melbourne, Australia | Top

    Customer: “I’m looking for a book.”

    Me: “Were you after a particular book?”

    Customer: “Yeah.”

    Me: “What was the title?”

    Customer: “I can’t remember.”

    Me: “Do you know who the author is?”

    Customer: “No.”

    Me: “Do you remember what it’s about?”

    Customer: “I saw it recently…”

    Me: “Can you tell me anything at all about it?”

    Customer: “It had a nondescript cover.”

    Me: “…”

    (And I found it!)


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