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    Eternal D**nation, Pleasant Atmosphere

    | Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada | Top

    (I’m the manager of a customer service department, and this guy had been hassling our representative for 10 minutes, so I jumped on the call.)

    Me: “Good afternoon, **** speaking. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “Listen sweetie, I just want the phone number for **** company.”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “I just want the number for **** company, so you can go ahead and give it to me.”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, but we cannot give out the phone numbers of our suppliers. Our customer service department is not supplied with them, as we cannot give them out. Just as we would not give out your phone number, we cannot give out theirs.”

    Customer: “You’re lying to me. Give me the number! I work for a multi-billion dollar corporation, and we give out phone numbers all the time.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t help you. Maybe you could look it up online.”

    Customer: “Just let me speak to your secretary; she’ll give it to me.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, we don’t have one. Even if we did, she couldn’t help you.”

    Customer: “You’re a liar! Do you got to church?”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “You’re a liar, and you’re going to burn in H***.”

    Me: “You know what? I’m OK with that.”

    Customer: “What?! You’re going to burn in H***!”

    Me: “Well, as long as H*** is somewhere you’re not going to be, I’m still fine with that.”

    That’s One Small Kneeprint For Man

    , | Toronto, Canada | Top

    (I was in a record store and I overheard this conversation.)

    Customer: “Hi, I’m looking for a gift for my dad. He likes jazz – who do you recommend?”

    Clerk: “Well, Louis Armstrong is pretty popular.”

    Customer: “Louis Armstrong? Isn’t he the astronaut? He’s like the first guy to walk on the moon.”

    Clerk: “No, no, you’re thinking Neil.”

    Customer: “Fine, whatever, the first guy to kneel on the moon.”

    Way TooOOOOH Much Information

    | New Jersey, USA | Family & Kids, Rude & Risque, Top

    (Someone had left a massager in my department, and a little boy of about four found it and began to experiment with it. He held it up to his dad’s back and pushed the button; when that elicited no reaction, he held it up to his grandmother’s pelvic area and pushed the button.)

    Grandma: “OOOOOOOOH! It’s a vibrator! ”

    Little boy: *laughing* “Did it tickle?”

    Grandma: “Yes, it tickled! But put it down before you break it and your daddy has to buy it.”

    Little boy: *skips out toward main mall* “It’s a vibrator, a vibrator! I vibrated Granny!!!”

    This Quote Brought To You By The Number TWO

    | Burlington, Ontario, Canada | Top

    Customer: *on the phone* “I know you aren’t tech support, but I have an easy question.”

    Me: “Ok…”

    Customer: “How do you make the @ symbol…you know, for the email?”

    Me: “You hold the shift key and press 2.”

    Customer: “Won’t that just make a capital 2?”

    Me: “…”

    Surely, One Missed Anatomy Class Can’t Hurt…

    | Seattle, WA, USA | Top

    (A woman walks in with her daughter one afternoon.)

    Me: “Hello, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “There’s something wrong with my daughter.”

    Me: “Oh?”

    Customer: “Her eyes keep closing on their own!”

    Me: “…ma’am, that’s called blinking.”

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