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    Beauty Is Pain… Mental Pain

    | Bradenton, FL, USA | Top

    (I work in the Fragrance and Cosmetics department, and one slow night I had this phone conversation.)

    Customer: “Hi, I bought a lipstick earlier today and I can’t work it.”

    Me: “Um, OK. What exactly do you mean?”

    Customer: “I just…I can’t work it.”

    Me: “All right, well, some of them are packaged weird. What brand is it?”

    Customer: “Lancome.”

    Me: “Those are pretty standard, they work just like any other lipstick.”

    Customer: “But how do I work it?”

    Me: “Um, you just twist the top part in one direction, and the bottom part in the other direction.”

    Customer: “But after I do that, how do I get it back in?”

    Me: “You do the same thing, only in reverse.”

    Customer: “But there’s a hole in the top. Is this the kind I can’t carry in my purse? It would get all over everything.”

    Me: “Um, well, the lid is reusable. You can put it back on the lipstick after you twist it back down.”

    Customer: “Oh, that part can go back on. I see! How clever.”

    How About A Few Reindeer And Elves While You’re At It

    | Bakersfield, CA, US | Top

    Me: “Thank you for calling *** Country Club, this is ***. How can I help you?”

    Member: “Hi, I need to make a reservation for dinner tonight.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but due to it being Christmas Eve, the club is closing at 2 o’clock today.”

    Member: “…”

    Me: “Is there anything else I can help you with?”

    Member: “I have never heard of any business closing early on Christmas Eve. It’s not even a holiday, for God’s sake!”

    Me: “I’m sorry about that, ma’am… we did send out several emails containing our holiday hours.”

    Member: “I don’t read your f***ing emails! Either way, it doesn’t matter.Wwe are coming for dinner tonight, so take the reservation for me.”

    Me: “We aren’t open for dinner tonight, so I can’t take your reservation.”

    Member: “Well, you better take the reservation, because all of my family is coming in from out of town and I told them that we would be eating at the club! We need a reservation for 15 people at 7 o’clock tonight.”

    Me: “I think we must be misunderstanding each other. There won’t be anyone here at 7 o’clock.”

    Member: “I pay my dues like everyone else, and I expect you to be open at 7 to serve us! Make the reservation!”

    Me: “Okay…”

    Member: “Do it now!”

    Me: “…”

    Member: “I pay my dues!”

    Me: “Okay, I have to go now.”

    Member: “And we want a private room!”

    Me: “Good luck with that…”

    (To this day, we wonder if they showed up for dinner.)

    There Can Be Only One Insane Customer

    | Oregon, USA | Top

    (A guy comes in looking a bit haggard.)

    Me: “Hi sir! Can I help you find something?”

    Customer: “Let’s move to the back of the store.”

    (He takes my arm and we walk to one of the last shelves of the store.)

    Customer: “I need a book on immortality.”

    Me: “All right – we’ve got science fiction over here…”

    Customer: “No, I need to research immortality. I’m immortal. See this scar on my neck? A guy cut me a couple days ago and it’s almost healed. I’m immortal.”

    (I stare at the large cut on his neck that is laced together with stitches).

    Me: “Um, I’m not sure if we have any books like that.”

    Customer: “Well, can you buy me a sword from the store next door?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, I’m not allowed to do that.”

    Customer: “I promise I’ll pay you back. I’ll give you my ID so you can track me down later and everything. I need a sword.”

    Me: “Really, I could get fired for that.”

    (The customer looks up and then starts sniffing the air.)

    Customer: “They’re coming. I have to go!” *runs out of the store*

    Self Overflowing Prophecies

    | Iowa City, IA, USA | Top

    Customer: “I’d like a large coffee.”

    Me: “Okay, that’ll be $1.84. Would you like me to leave some room for cream?”

    Customer: “Yes, please.”

    (I bring her the coffee with a little bit of room at the top.)

    Customer: “You didn’t fill my coffee all the way full!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. I thought you wanted some room for cream.”

    Customer: “I do, but I don’t want you scamming me out of any coffee! If I pay $5 for a cup of coffee, I want my money’s worth!”

    Me: “But ma’am, I can’t fill the cup all the way to the top if you want to put cream in the coffee. It will spill over.”

    Customer: “I don’t care, just fill it!”

    (The customer goes around the corner, out of my view to the cream and sugar counter. She comes back 45 seconds later with a large coffee stain on the front of her shirt.)

    Customer: “LOOK AT ME! YOU MADE ME GET COFFEE ALL OVER MYSELF!”

    When Stupid People Attack

    | New York, NY, USA | Pets & Animals, Top

    Customer: “Hey, you!”

    Me: “How can I help you, ma’am?”

    Customer: “These bears are extremely boring. I paid money to see the animals move around.”

    Me: “It’s very hot today, ma’am. Bears don’t like to move around much on hot days, and they sleep at least 16 hours out of the day anyway.”

    Customer: “I don’t care if it’s hot outside. Why won’t they do anything?”

    Me: “Ma’am, the bears are not required to move around for your entertainment.”

    Customer: “Well, they should be!”

    Me: “They’re wild animals, ma’am. If they don’t want to move around, they don’t have to.”

    Customer: “I want to see your superior! Maybe he will understand!”

    Manager: “What seems to be the problem here?”

    Customer: “These bears are boring!”

    Manager: *tells her what I said about hot days*

    Customer: “Go poke them or something. Make them move!”

    Me: “You’re asking me to go into an enclosed area with a group of thousand-pound carnivores, and poke them with a stick so that they can amuse you?

    Customer: “Yes! Just make them do something!”

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