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  • A Total Brazil Nut
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    You Say To-mah-to, I Say Pot-tah-to

    | Santa Barbara, CA, USA | Top

    Me: “Thank you for calling [garden store], this is ***. How can I help you today?”

    Caller: “Yeah, i have mites on my, uh… tomato plants. I need something to put on them to kill the mites”

    Me: “Well, sir, we have many different types of sprays and powders for bug eradication that can work.”

    Caller: “I need something that can work indoors.”

    Me: “Indoors? Like a greenhouse? Because the products we have are all natural and can be used in a greenhouse.”

    Caller: “I mean indoors like in my house. I don’t want to use a spray in the closet in my room.”

    Me: “Sir, you’re growing tomatoes in your closet?”

    Customer “Uh, yeah… so what can I use?”

    Me: “Well, we have a powder made of diatomes you can use to kill the mites, and you can still eat the tomatoes without any issue. It’s all natural and perfectly safe.”

    Caller: “That sounds good, but… umm, what if I were to smoke the tomato plant? Would that still be safe?”

    (I finally realize he’s NOT really talking about tomatoes.)

    Me: “Umm, sir, tomato plants are part of the nightshade family and are actually poisonous if ingested. I wouldn’t recommend smoking them or eating the plant itself. Just the tomato.”

    Caller: “But, if I had a plant that was smokeable, i could use the powder stuff and it would be okay?”

    Me: “Yeah, just make sure you wash it good before you um… smoke it… as you would with any home-grown vegetables and fruits.”

    Caller: “You’re sure? Because i don’t wanna die for smoking something i’m not supposed to.”

    Me: “Then make sure you aren’t smoking the tomato plants in your closet and you’ll be fine. Have a nice day!”

    Old School Hustlers

    | Burnsville, MN, USA | Top

    (A customer approaches the bookstore counter with an adult magazine.)

    Customer 2, from behind Customer 1: “What’s the matter, don’t you have a computer?”

    Someone’s About To Get Smacked To The Future

    | Rio Rancho, NM, USA | Top

    Coworker: “Yes, miss. I understand it’s an emergency, But let me ask my coworker. He probably knows what you’re looking for!”

    Me: “What’s going on?”

    Coworker: “This woman was sent in looking for an item. She said it’s called a … a … something capacitor.”

    Me: “Well, we don’t really carry any capacitors here. That’s more of a true electronics store thing.”

    Customer: “Please, it’s my son’s birthday and my husband says that we desperately need to find a 120 volt flux capacitor for my son’s Xbox!”

    Me: “Ma’am, unless you have a Mr. Fusion, I don’t know where you’re gonna need something like that.”

    Customer: “What do you mean? My husband said this was an emergency! I have been to 3 stores and no one knows what I’m talking about!”

    Me: *laughs* “Well, your husband sent you for a part to a time machine.”

    Customer: “I am going to kill that man!”

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

    Looks Real Good, Hurts Real Bad

    | Puerto Rico | Top

    (I had a bag of large crystal beads salvaged from a chandelier. The beads were the size of my palm and very heavy. As I put them away in one of my bead boxes, a teenage girl walked up to my booth at a craft fair.)

    Girl: “Hi! I love your stuff! Do you do custom orders?”

    Me: “Yes, I do! Here, look through some of these bead boxes and tell me what you like.”

    Girl: “Okay!”

    (She looks though some boxes and gasps as she discovers the large crystal beads.)

    Girl: “I love these! Can you make a pair of earrings with these?!”

    Me: “Oh! Ha ha, those beads are for a lamp I’m making. They’re too heavy to use as earrings. May I interest you in a much smaller and lighter version of those beads?”

    Girl: “NO! I want these! They’re so pretty and…bling-bling!”

    Me: “Your piercings would sag if you wore those. Let me–”

    Girl: “No! I’m the customer and this is what I want!”

    Me: *sighing* “Fine. Come back in a few minutes, and I’ll have them done. It’ll be $12.”

    (The girl looks at some other booths while I make her earrings. She returns, asks for her earrings, and pays for them.)

    Girl: *putting on earrings “I love them! Thank you so much!”

    Me: “Okay. Thank you, and remember what I said about the beads.”

    Girl: “You don’t know what you’re talking about. The beads are like crazy light!”

    (The girl leaves, looking ridiculous with the earrings, but then returns about half an hour later.)

    Girl: “My ears are killing me!”

    Me: “I told you the beads were too heavy, but you still wanted them!”

    Girl: “It’s not the beads, it’s the wire! I must be allergic to it.”

    Me: “There’s no need to yell. I use hypoallergenic materials in all my pieces. There’s no way you can be allergic to it. It’s because the beads are too heavy. I can give you a refund, but you have to give me the earrings back.”

    Girl: “No! It must be the glass, then. I’m allergic to the glass! What kind of glass is this?”

    Me: “…allergic to glass? Have you ever heard of the phrase ‘with beauty comes pain’? Well, this explains it.”

    Girl: “Oh! I get it now! Wow, if it hurts this much I must look A-MA-ZING! *skips off*

    Veni Vidi Visa: I Came, I Saw, I Went Home & Bought

    | Lawrenceville, NJ, USA | Top

    Customer: “I definitely think I want to buy this laptop.”

    Me: “That’s great, sir. If you just wait here, I can run back and get it for you right now.”

    Customer: “Oh, thanks, that would be great. And I also read something on your website about free shipping.”

    Me: “Yes…that’s true.”

    Customer: “So, do I get free shipping?”

    Me: “Um, that only applies to online orders. There’s no shipping if you buy directly from the store.”

    Customer: “Why not?”

    Me: “…because you don’t need anything shipped if you buy it in the store…”

    Customer: “Well, that’s stupid. Why would anyone buy it in the store when they can get free shipping online?”

    Me: “Uh…because they’re already at the store…?”

    Customer: “You know what? I think I’m gonna just go buy it online. And you should probably re-evaluate your free shipping policy. No offense, but it’s kind of stupid.”

    Me: “…”

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