(I work at the college IT department. One day, I get a phone call from a professor.)

Me: “Thank you for calling the help desk. How may we help you?”

Professor: “My computer is making a beeping sound. I can’t get it to stop. Can you send someone to fix it?”

Me: “Sure, I’ll be right over.”

(I arrive at the professor’s office.)

Professor: “I don’t understand why it is doing this. It has never done this before.”

(I notice a rather large book on top of his keyboard.)

Me: “Sir, you can’t leave objects on top of your keyboard. That is what causes the beeping.”

(I remove the book.)

Professor: *embarrassed* “Oh.”

(This professor is the department chair of the Computer Science division of the college. He has a Ph.D in Computer Science.)

Related:
Ph.Duh

(I am a cashier. Sometimes people will go through a checkout line sharing a cart. Two middle-aged women come through the line.)

Me: *pointing at their purchases* “Are you two together?”

(Woman #1 looks lovingly into Woman #2′s eyes and holds her hands.)

Woman #1: “Yes, we are…”

Woman #2: “Honey, I think she meant if we’re buying all this together.”

Woman #1: “Oh. No, we’re separate. Two transactions, please!”

(I work in a gas station and am the only female employee that works the second shift on a regular basis. I have very short hair and am often mistaken for male if customers aren’t paying attention. Sometimes, it is a great source of amusement for me because it seems to bother them more than it bothers me. One early evening, a customer comes in with her little girl who is probably about 4.)

Me: “Did you find everything all right?”

Customer: “Yeah, just this and…” *to her daughter* “Did you find the candy you want, sweetie?”

(I notice now that the little girl is giving me a horrified look as if I have just told her there is no Santa.)

Customer’s Daughter: *starts pulling on her mother’s shirt* “Mommy! Mommy! Is that a boy or a girl?”

(The mother ignores her, but the little girl continues to ask and gets progressively louder each time. I am finishing running her credit card and hand her the receipt. At the top of every receipt is the name of the cashier. The woman picks up her daughter who is now glaring at me and finally answers her after reading my obviously female name.)

Customer’s Daughter: *now yelling so loud everyone in the store can hear* “MOMMY!!! IS IT A BOY OR A GIRL?!”

Customer: “Shh! She’s a girl, sweetie. Now hush.”

(I’m trying very hard not to laugh, as everyone in the store is now staring.)

Me: “Mystery solved! Have a good—”

Customer’s Daughter: *shrieking* “WHY DOES SHE HAVE SUCH SHORT HAIR?!”

Customer: *turning six shades of red* “Because some women just like their hair to be short.”

(The customer’s daughter turns to me and points accusingly.)

Customer’s Daughter: “YOU! You shouldn’t have such short hair! Girls have long hair! DUH!”

(After the woman has left with her boisterous, opinionated child in tow, a regular customer comes to my register.)

Regular: *jokingly* “Well, hello again, young man! Having a good evening?”

(I am a customer heading for the bathroom at a store. A woman storms out of the lady’s room. It looks like she’s trying hard to keep her hands in the air and not touch anything as she marches up to an employee.)

Customer: “Do you know how long I’ve been waiting in there!? Why hasn’t anyone come in?”

Employee: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “The sign in there says ‘Employees must wash hands’! I’ve been waiting in there for fifteen minutes for someone to wash my hands!”

(I am working at the drive-thru at our coffee shop.)

Me: “Thank you for choosing [coffee shop]. This is [name]. How may I help you?”

Customer: *complete silence*

(I can see his car in our camera and he’s not talking.)

Me: “Did you have any questions or anything?”

Customer: “Well, there you are! What kind of smoothies do you have?”

Me: “We have strawberry banana, orange mango banana, and chocolate banana.”

Customer: “I want a strawberry one.”

Me: “Okay, that will be—”

Customer: *drives away from the speaker before I can finish*

(The customer in front of this customer in the drive-thru line has an issue with her order, so we have to wait until it is ready. During this time I make small talk with the customer as we are trained to do. After handing the customer her beverage, the next car pulls up.)

Me: “That will be [price]. Your smoothie is on its way!”

Customer: “I have a concern. You just wasted 5 minutes of my time having a conversation with that other customer. If I had honked my horn, you would have called me rude, but don’t you think it is rude to have personal conversations on my time? I just can’t believe you would do things like that. My time is valuable and I don’t like my time to be wasted!”

Me: “Well, they had an issue with their order and we had to wait. I thought it would be rude to ask her to stop talking to me. I will go check on your smoothie.”

(I get the smoothie and come back to the window.)

Me: “All right, there you go!”

(I am holding the smoothie out toward the customer. He spends a good two to three minutes talking on the phone while I wait.)

Customer: *turns and finally sees me* “Well, finally, what took so long?”

Me: “I’ve been standing here for two minutes.”

Customer: “Well, I was on the phone. Why didn’t you say something?”

Me: “I didn’t want to be rude.”

(Note: I am with my friend at a coffee shop.)

Me: *to friend* “Hey, can you order my drink for me? I have to go to the bathroom.”

My Friend: “Yeah, of course!”

(I return from the bathroom and sit in the waiting area with my friend.)

Cashier: “I have a mocha frappe for Batman?”

My Friend: *grins at me*

Me: “What?”

Cashier: “FRAPPE FOR BATMAN!”

My Friend: *grins* “He’s calling you…”

Me: “What do you…oh my God, you didn’t!”

Cashier: “Yes, she did. Here’s your order, Batman.”

Me: “Thank you.”

Cashier: “No problem. Just remember to protect Gotham!”

(I’m putting the salad on a customer’s sandwich.)

Customer: “What’s that black thing on there?”

(I check to see if I’ve put olives on the sandwich by mistake.)

Me: “What black thing?”

Customer: “That big black thing right there!”

(I check again.)

Me: “Erm, that’s the shadow of my hand.”

Customer: “I don’t want that. Take it off!”

Me: *moves hand*

Customer: “That’s better.”

(A young man in his early 20s approaches the counter. He is dressed very much like a typical frat boy.)

Me: “Hi, welcome to [ice cream parlor]! What can I get for you today?”

Customer: “Yeah, can I get cotton candy and cake batter ice cream mixed together? And when you put it in the bowl, can you put the cone on top like a hat and make a smiley face out of gummy bears?”

Me: “Awww, sure! Who’s it for?”

Customer: *quite seriously* “Me!”

Me: “Awesome.”

Related:
For Some, Childhood Never Ends, Part 4
For Some, Childhood Never Ends, Part 3
For Some, Childhood Never Ends, Part 2
For Some, Childhood Never Ends