(A customer is getting a beauty treatment done and is trying to work out why she has skin problems.)

Customer: “I just don’t understand it. I take really good care
of my skin. I get facials and I only use really good make-up.”

Me: “Well, the problem could be caused by something really simple, like an allergic reaction. Have you always used the same brand of make-up?”

Customer: “Yes, and I only use the best! I can’t be allergic, I don’t ever use the cheap stuff!”

Me: “It’s probably something else then. What do you use to remove your make-up?”

Customer: “Like…what?”

Me: “When you take off your make up at night, what do you use?”

Customer: *silence*

Me: “Do you use a cleanser or soap and water?”

Customer: “I don’t take it off. Are you supposed to?”

Me: “Well, yes. Make-up can cause damage to your pores if you wear it constantly. Why don’t you take it off?”

Customer: “In case I have to answer my door when I’m asleep.”

Me: “In your sleep?”

Customer: “Don’t judge my social life! You probably don’t have many friends!”

(I work in a check-out lane at a grocery store. A boy who looks about 16 walks up to the check-out and puts a twelve pack of beer on the lane.)

Me: “May I see your ID?”

Customer: “Who do you think you are, a cop? No!”

Me: “If you want to purchase these, I need to see your ID. You don’t exactly look over 21.”

Customer: “Fine, b****!”

(He then hands me his ID, which has a picture of an elderly man on it.)

Me: “Sorry, you can’t buy these.”

Customer: “What the h***! I just gave you my ID!”

Me: “This ID belongs to an elderly man who has a gray mustache and beard.”

Customer: “It’s called Botox and shaving.”

Me: Hello this is [doctor's office], how may I help you?”

Caller: “Help! I’ve sprouted a nipple on my forehead!”

(From the caller’s voice, I could tell that it was a female teenager.)

Me: “Excuse me? If this is a prank, I can report you–”

Caller: “No, this is not a prank! This morning I got up, and there was this huge, red lump on my forehead…and now I’ve poked it and this milk is coming out!”

Me: “Hon, that’s a pimple, not a nipple.”

Caller: “Oh…” *gasps* “Is it deadly?”

(Note: our customer support number is close to a local driving school’s number.)

Me: “Thank you for calling. How may I help you?”

Customer: “How much for my daughter?”

Me: “Um…”

Customer: “She’s 16. It’s her first time. She needs training.”

Me: “Sir, I think you want the driving school.”

Customer: “Oh, what do you guys do?”

Me: “Adult websites.”

Customer: “Oh…OH! Oh my God!”

(I work for the city and am repairing potholes in a residential neighborhood. Suddenly, a resident comes running out in his bathrobe.)

Resident: “Hey! What the h*** do you guys think you’re doing?!”

Me: “We’re fixing these potholes, sir.”

Resident: “You guys can’t be here! You did not clear this with the homeowner’s association!”

Me: “Sir, I’m with the city and we don’t have to clear these repairs with any association.”

Resident: “Like h*** you don’t!”

Me: “Please step back sir. I have to continue working and you are too close to the job site.”

(The resident runs back into his house and comes back out with a small bucket of yellow paint. Before we can stop him, he starts painting the dings and scratches on our bulldozer.)

Me: “What are you doing, sir?!”

Resident: “If you don’t have to clear repairs with us, then I guess I don’t have to clear repairs with the city!”

Me: “Sir, that color paint is not the same as the paint job on the equipment. Plus, you are now defacing this equipment. I will call the police if you don’t stop!”

Resident: “F*** off, you f***ing lemming!”

Me: “That’s it, I’m calling the police!”

(By the time the police show up, all his neighbors have come outside to watch the commotion. Things only go downhill from there, as he ends up getting charged with three counts: defacing public property, resisting arrest and assault on a peace officer.)

Me: “Hello, this ***. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, I have your company name on my credit card bill with a charge of $29.99. I’ve never heard of you guys.”

Me: “Okay, sir…there’s a purchase of a monthly subscription to our adult website in here.”

Customer: “Adult website? What, as in porno?”

Me: “That’s correct, sir.”

Customer: “This is nonsense! I’ve never bought any porn!”

Me: “Sir, we do have the order in your info in here. If you are not satisfied with the content, however, we can give you a refund.”

Customer: “I never ordered any porn! This is an outrage! I’m a married man, a father and a family man!”

Me: “You said family man, sir?”

Customer: “Yes!”

Me: “How old is your son, sir?”

Customer: *long pause* “I’ll call you back.” *click*

(I’m a personal trainer and at the end of a set my client makes an announcement.)

Customer: “So, I think I’m a necrophiliac.”

Me: “Um, what?”

Customer: “I think I’m a necrophiliac.”

Me: “And why would you think that?”

Customer: “Because I’m always tired and I keep falling asleep at my desk.”

Me: “Narcoleptic.”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “You think you’re narcoleptic.”

Customer: “Right. What did I say?”

Me: “Necrophiliac.”

Customer: “What does that mean?”

(I tell him.)

Customer: “Oh God NO!”

Customer: “Can I have the breakfast sandwich without tomato, please?”

Me: “Sorry, sir, but the sandwich is pre-made. You can just take the tomato off it, if you want.”

Customer: “No! I’m extremely allergic to tomatoes. That could kill me!”

Me: “Well, if you want to wait five minutes or so, I’ll make you one special without tomatoes.”

Customer: “That would be great.”

(I go to the kitchen, wash everything that might have touched a tomato, and make the guy a sandwich. I come back out and hand it to him.)

Customer: “Thanks. You got any ketchup?”

(Note: I help callers with connection problems to our wireless zones along train lines.)

Me: “Hello, tech support. How may I help you?”

Caller: “I can’t access your network!”

Me: “I’m sorry about that, let me help you. Where are you currently, sir?”

Caller: “I’m traveling in between [city] and [another city].”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry sir, but there is maintenance being done in that zone. You will have to wait 20 minutes until you are back in a working zone.”

Caller: “What can I do?”

Me: “Just wait till the train is a bit farther on, and you will have a connection again.”

Caller: “This is terrible! Where’s your manager?”

Me: “Sir, it’s 4 am so I’m the only one working.”

(The customer hangs up, but then calls back again.)

Me: “Hello, tech support. How may I help you?”

Caller: “F***!”

(Once again, he hangs up, and once again, he calls back.)

Me: “Hello, tech support. How may I help you?”

Caller: “F***!”

(Again, he hangs up, and again, he calls back.)

Me: “Hello, tech support. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Look, I have some important stuff to watch here. Can you fix the internet?”

Me: “If you just wait 10 minutes sir, your internet will work again.”

Caller: “So, in my zone, there’s no internet?”

Me: “That’s right, sir.”

Caller: “Can’t you move the satellite so I do have internet?”

Me: “You want me to go into space and move the satellite?”

Caller: *cheerily* “Yeah, that’s right!”

Me: “Umm…well, that might take me a little bit of time, sir. I’ll have to call NASA and they’re very busy these days.”

Caller: “Oh. How long do you think it’ll take?”

Me: “About 10 minutes.”

Caller: “That’s great! Thank you.” *hangs up*

(My table has just ordered our unlimited soup and salad.)

Me: “Ok, I’ll go ahead a put this in for you and be right back with your salad and bread.”

Customer: “So where is y’alls salad bar?”

Me: “Pardon me?”

Customer: *speaking slowly* “The sal-ad ba-ar. Where is it?”

Me: “Um, we don’t have a salad bar sir, I bring it to your table.”

Customer: “You bring the salad bar to the table?.”

Me: “No sir, I bring out a bowl of salad for everyone at the table to share.”

Customer: “So, it’s not endless?”

Me: “Yes, it still is endless, I bring out as much salad as you want.”

Customer: “How you gonna know how much I want?”

Me: “I bring out as many bowls as you tell be to bring.”

Customer: “Well how am I supposed to know how many to tell you when I don’t even know how much is in one?”

Me: “After I bring out the first bowl, you can tell me if you’d like some more.”

Customer: “But I want all my salad now!”

Me: “We don’t bring out all the salad at once so you get the freshest product possible.”

Customer: “But I want it now.”

Me: “Well as soon as I go back to the kitchen, I can bring it out for you.”

Customer: “But I want it now!”

Me: “So I’ll go and get it for you.”

(As I finally walk away, I hear him say to this to his wife, “So, where’s my salad?”)