Me: “Thank you for calling [store]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Five boxes, dozen donuts each, right now.”

Me: “Okay, is there any specific–”

(Suddenly, I hear a woman screaming in the background.)

Woman: “Donuts! NOW!”

(The caller gets back on the phone.)

Caller: “Whatever flavors you have. Five dozen donuts A-S-A-motherf***ing-P!”

Me: “Um, alright, that’ll be [price]. How much change should our deliveryman bring?”

Caller: “I will give your delivery guy all the money I have in the house! Just get him here before my wife sits on me and hits me with the freakin’ remote control!”

Customer: “I’d like 50 Christmas stamps, please.”

Me: “What denomination?”

Customer: *befuddled* “Oh, my, has it come to this? Um, give me 22 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 6 of the Baptists.”

Customer: “I need a new laptop. I want one better than the one I have. I want to spend no more than 600 dollars.”

(After finding out that he has a machine running Windows 98 with 512 MB of RAM and 60 GB of hard drive space, I provide him several different laptop choices within his price range. They have either 3 GB or 4 GB of RAM, running Windows 7.)

Customer: “No, no, no! I said better! I have 512 memory, but you keep recommending only 3 and 4! Also, 7 is way lower than 98! Get me someone who knows what I mean by better!”

(My primary job is delivering pizzas, but I’m also the lead vocalist in a metal band that’s popular in the local area. We’re not well known much further than that. We recently played a show where we also sold a small amount of merchandise.)

Me: *handing pizzas to customer* “That’ll be $35.”

(The customer hands me the money. I notice that he’s wearing a hoodie with our band’s name and logo on it.)

Me: “Nice hoodie!”

Customer: “Yeah, man! I was at the show last weekend.”

Me: “Awesome, how’d you like it?”

Customer: “They’re wicked, man! I feel kinda bad for taking this hoodie right of off the wall.”

Me: *speechless*

Customer: “Were you there, too?”

Me: “Yes, I was the one holding the microphone.”

(People have all sorts of names for the sides, or temples, of spectacle frames. I have heard them called “legs”, “props”, “wings”, and “crutches”, among other things. A very strident woman marches into our practice with her teenage daughter in tow.)

Customer: *loudly* “I want you to spread my daughter’s legs. They won’t go behind her ears.”

Me: *speechless*

Customer’s daughter: *speechless and cringing with embarrassment*

Related:
The Horrors Of Mispronunciation, Part 4
The Horrors Of Mispronunciation, Part 3
The Horrors Of Mispronunciation, Part 2
The Horrors Of Mispronunciation

Me: “911, what is your emergency?”

Caller: “I’m a bad, bad boy.”

Me: “Yes, you are. I have a squad car en route to your location. Have a good day, sir.”

(I work as a nurse in hospital in Illinois. Keep in mind where quite busy at the moment. A woman rushes up to me dragging a preteen girl behind her.)

Woman: “Help! Please help! My daughter needs a vaccine!”

Me: “Okay, ma’am, I need to know what the vaccine is for. Do you have an appointment?”

Woman: “No! I don’t have any appointment! My daughter has a fever!”

Daughter: “Mom! I don’t have a fever!”

Woman: *still looking at me* “Her aunt told me she has it! The Heever Fever!”

Me: “Ma’am, are you trying to say ‘Bieber Fever’?”

Woman: “Yes! That!”

Daughter: “Mom! You’re embarrassing me!”

Me: “Good morning! You’re through to [name]. Can I take your plan number, please?”

Customer: “I don’t have a plan number. What’s that?”

Me: “It’s on your statement and begins with the number ’14′, then a dash.”

Customer: “I’m looking at my statement and there isn’t one.”

Me: “It’s about half way down on the right hand side and begins with ’14′ dash.”

Customer: “There isn’t one. I can see where it says plan type, but that’s it.”

Me: “Okay, it says the plan type on the left. The plan number is just to the right of it, starting with ’14′ and a dash.”

Customer: “There isn’t one. There is no number beginning with ’14′. Are you calling me a liar?”

Me: “No, I’m not calling you a liar, but if it is a statement you are looking at, then I promise it’s on the right side, half way down. It starts with ’14′.”

Customer: “There bloody well isn’t! The only number on here starts ’1′, ’4′, and a dash. Can’t you take that?”

Me: “Okay, I’ll take that instead!”