Category: Top

What A Lady, What A Night

| New Port Richey, FL, USA | Top

(I’m standing in line and overhear this conversation between a beautiful middle aged woman and the photo clerk.)

Clerk: “… unfortunately, we are unable to print all of your photos. Some of them are in violation of a our content policy.”

Customer: “I don’t understand. All I took pictures of was a trip to Busch Gardens and then my son’s birthday party. What could be so inappropriate?”

Clerk: “Were you at some point singing karaoke?”

(The customers face goes from confusion, to understanding, to embarrassment, and finally to barely controlled rage.)

Customer: “I will be right back.”

(The customer goes down the aisle and begins grabbing a few additional items.)

Clerk, to me: “She was naked. Pretty hot for an older lady.”

(The customer returns with her new items and makes a phone call while the clerk processes the transaction.)

Customer: *sweetly on the phone* “Oh, honey, you have been working so hard and have been so good to me. I am making you an amazing dinner. Can you pick up some makings for some cocktails on the way home? I am going to give you a night you will never forget! Love you, bye!”

(As she says this, I notice the new items she’s buying: a sports drink, anti-diarrhea medicine, and a giant bottle of contact lens solution–the latter of which can give people diarrhea. The clerk finishes the transaction and the customer gives us the most evil grin right before she walks out.)

Clerk: “Hopefully, she won’t let him suffer too long…”

Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

Either Way, Someone’s Wearing Diapers

| Savannah, GA, USA | Top

(I’m selling movie theater tickets to a couple that’s obviously in their 30s or 40s.)

Me: “So for two adults, the total is $19.”

Male customer: “Can’t we get a discount? She’s a senior! How old do you have to be to be a senior?”

Me: “She has to be 60 to be a senior.”

Male customer: “She’s 59 and a half! Can we get a discount?”

(It’s a slow day, so I oblige.)

Me: “Well… alright, how about $16.50?”

Male customer: “Awesome, you’re the best! So you gave her the senior ticket, right?”

Me: “No, sir, I gave you a child.”

Female customer: *laughs* “Thank you, you’ve definitely got him figured out!”

If There Is A God, He Obviously Owns A Dog

| San Jose, CA | Top

(Note: this takes place during the middle of a bad rainstorm.)

Customer: “Hi, I wanted to start bringing by dog here but I wanted to make sure that the animals get a lot of exercise.”

Me: “Oh, we just have them in rotations to run on a treadmill. You see, they help to generate power for our building. I think we have Sandy, a cute little chihuahua going right now.”

Customer: “You’re joking, right?”

Me: “Haha, yeah.”

(Moments later, my coworker comes in from the back.)

Coworker: “Hey, Sandy’s loose again. Have you seen the pop-up fence?”

(As if on cue, the storm knocks out power to the building right then and there.)

Customer: “Oh my god! I’m calling Animal Services and reporting you all!”

Jurassic Farce

Florida, USA | Top

Customer: “I need some help locating the item that this coupon advertises. I’ve looked everywhere and just can’t find it.”

Me: “Let’s see if I can help you here…” *looks at the coupon* “I’m sorry ma’am, we don’t sell this item anymore.”

Customer: “Why not? I have a coupon for it. I wanted to get it for my husband for his birthday next week.”

Me: “Ma’am, this coupon was expired fifteen years ago. They no longer make this product.”

Customer: “Can’t you go look for one? I really need it, it would be perfect for him.”

Me: “…sure! It just so happens that I developed a machine that can warp the space/time continuum. Would you like to accompany me on the trip or would you like to stay here?”

Customer: “REALLY? Thank you so much! I’ll stay here and wait for you.”

(I go into the back room for a couple of minutes to let my manager know what I’m about to do, then come back out running.)

Me: “MA’AM! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE! I MESSED UP AND WENT BACK TOO FAR! I ENDED UP GOING BACK TO THE AGE OF THE DINOSAURS AND THERE’S A PISSED-OFF VELOCIRAPTOR RIGHT BEHIND ME!”

Customer: “OH NO! I’LL GO CALL THE POLICE!” *runs out of the store*

(I went back to my manager after the customer ran off, and he was literally rolling on the ground laughing.)

The Fine Art Of Firing A Customer

| Fremont, CA, USA | Top

(A friend of mine who manages a self storage facility has a troublemaking customer that he has been trying to get rid of. One day, the customer comes up asking about a promotional offer.)

Customer: “Hi, I saw on your website that you have storage for $100, but I’m paying $130.”

Manager: “Yeah, that’s a promotional rate.”

Customer: “Well, can I get that rate?”

Manager: “I can’t just change people’s rates. It’s only for new customers to that space.”

Customer: “Well, can I just move into that storage?”

Manager: “You can’t just move it from one storage to the other and get the new rate. You would have to have everything out because I can’t vacate it until it’s empty.”

Customer: “That’s fine. I’ll move this Saturday.”

(The customer moves out the following Saturday, gets everything loaded into their truck then stops by the office.)

Customer: “Alright, I moved everything out of my storage.”

Manager: “That’s great. Now, get out.”

Customer: “What? Can I get that other storage?”

Manager: “Well, I looked at your past history with the company and you’ve been consistently late and rude to other customers. I’m afraid we’re going to deny the new rental. My manager wouldn’t let me evict you but you moved out yourself, so everything’s good.”

Customer: “But I have all my things taken off the property! Where am I going to put them?”

Manager: “Anywhere but here.”

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