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  • His Attitude Speaks Volumes
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    Category: Top

    Coworkers: They Make Life Worth Living, Part 2

    , | Denver, CO, USA | Top

    (Everyone I work with knows I’m gay. A customer has just paid for her order.)

    Customer: “Stop staring at my boobs!”

    Me: “Huh?”

    Customer: “You heard me!”

    Me: “Lady, I was just counting the money you gave me.”

    Customer: “No, you were staring at my boobs and pretending to count the money. Let me talk to your manager right now! I’m going to get you fired!”

    (Before I can say anything, one of my male coworkers comes up behind me and wraps his arms around my chest.)

    Coworker: “I’m the manager. Are you bothering my boyfriend?”

    Customer: *takes her food and leaves*

    Coworker’s girlfriend, to me: “Hey, wanna come over tonight?”

    Related:
    Coworkers: They Make Life Worth Living

    Marital Bliss In All Its Forms, Part 3

    | Sydney, Australia | Top

    (A husband and wife couple have me on speakerphone so that they can get help troubleshooting. I’m typing up some notes while their PC reboots, which they can apparently hear…)

    Customer: “Wow, that sounds like a machine gun. ‘That your typing, sweetheart?”

    Me: *laughs* “Yeah, it is… I can type pretty fast.”

    Customer: “You married at all?”

    Me: “Nope, not yet. Why do you ask?”

    Customer: “Doesn’t surprise me love, with fingers that fast you don’t need a man!”

    Me: *mouth agape*

    (Suddenly, I hear a smacking noise followed by the man cursing.)

    Customer’s wife: “Ignore Ron… he’s a pig, dear. He’s lucky he’s married himself. I’m sure you’re lovely.”

    Customer: “Isn’t it time a house fell on you, my darling wife?”

    Me: *mouth still agape*

    Related:
    Marital Bliss, In All Its Forms, Part 2
    Marital Bliss, In All Its Forms

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic.

    He’s Dying – But He Looks Fabulous!

    | Calgary, Alberta, Canada | Top

    Customer: *calling on the phone* “Hello, I’d like to make an appointment with the groomer. My dog won’t get up and walk around, and every time I touch his leg, he whimpers. I think it may be broken.”

    Me: “Well, ma’am, I don’t think the groomer is the best place to take an animal with a broken leg. Your best bet would be to call a vet, and have them look at the animal.”

    Customer: “Vets are expensive. A groomer deals with animals as well – shouldn’t they know everything a vet does?”

    Me: “Ma’am, bringing a dog with a broken leg to a groomer is like bringing a kid with a broken leg to a hairdresser. I think a vet would be a much better choice.”

    Customer: “Well, I NEVER! That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.”

    Me: “I wont lie to you; that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever had to say. You have a nice day.” *hangs up*

    For My Next Trick…

    | Terrace, British Columbia, Canada | Top

    (A woman who had gone through my line earlier that day came up to me.)

    Customer: “Give me back my g****** keys!”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “My car keys! Give them back!”

    Me: “I wasn’t aware that I had them. Ma’am, are your keys lost? I can get someone to help you find them if you want.”

    Customer: “No! I know it was you who took them! I put them up on this little tray– *points to the tray next to the debit machine* “–and when I got home I couldn’t find them anywhere!”

    Me: “When…when you got home? Ma’am, did you drive home?”

    Customer: “Well, duh! What kind of idiot are you? Do you think I’m poor?” *gives a disgusted look*

    Me: “No…how did you get back here, ma’am?”

    Customer: “I drove here, of course!”

    Me: “With your car keys?”

    Customer: “Yes! Now give them back!”

    Me: “Ma’am…if I had taken your car keys, would you have been able to drive home and back here?”

    Customer: “No! But I know you took them!”

    (I then notice the keys shining in her hand.)

    Me:: “Open your hand please, ma’am?”

    Customer: *upon seeing her keys in her hand* “Oh, you little witch! What did you do, ‘magic’ them back into my hand?! What kind of store lets witches work for them?!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m not a witch…but you are a complete stereotypical blonde.”

    Customer: “Oh, how dare you! I demand to speak to your manager.”

    (My manager, who is a Wiccan and has been listening to this exchange for the past few minutes, comes up behind me, playing with her five-pointed star necklace.)

    Manager: *in a mystical voice* “Well, hello there, earth-walker. What can I do for you?”

    Customer: *sputters curse words and quickly storms out*

    When In Doubt, Improvise

    | Darien Center, NY, USA | Top

    (Some days when there aren’t enough lifeguards, we have to close off the deep end of the wave pool – but, we aren’t allowed to tell guests that reason.)

    Customer: “What’s with the buoy line?”

    Me: “It’s there to keep you from entering the deep end.”

    Customer: “Well, duh! Why is it there?”

    Me: “Oh, the deep end is closed right now.”

    Customer: “That’s so f****** stupid! There’s no reason the deep end should be closed!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. The water is…broken.”

    Customer: “Oh, sorry then. Have a nice day.”


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